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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a red flag for having anger issues?

14 replies

ThisisHalloween96 · 16/10/2024 14:06

So I started dating someone new a few months ago, he seems like a really nice person and we’ve not had any real issues whatsoever, however there is one thing starting to play on my mind.

He is a porter at a hospital, and he always seems to be in trouble for having incidents with other staff members and on the odd occasion, patients. I can think of 3 separate occasions just within the last couple of months - the most recent one being last week with a HCA. He said it’s been the situation of they’ve either been rude to him and the other porters or patients have been abusive to the staff members, and he has stepped in to help sort of thing.

A couple of examples I can remember is an agency nurse pulling the bed back incorrectly and injuring his shoulder, and him “losing his shit” at the nurse and another example of the HCA being asked to do something and then walking away and calling him a name, and then he followed and confronted her sort of thing about it.

Is this genuine occasions where he was right to stick up for himself but legally they have to go through the disciplinary process or is this a red flag for him having anger issues in general?

Just to clarify, he has never ever ever even got annoyed with me about anything let alone angry, never raised his voice, never even argued with me - we’ve had one very minor disagreement and it was handled really maturely on both sides and swiftly dealt with.

OP posts:
bakingwithtrays · 16/10/2024 14:09

oh OP, how appalling must your benchmark for a relationship be that you’re even asking this

ThisisHalloween96 · 16/10/2024 14:10

bakingwithtrays · 16/10/2024 14:09

oh OP, how appalling must your benchmark for a relationship be that you’re even asking this

Not really because I know things go on in hospitals sometimes where staff aren’t treated properly by other staff members/patients? And he has never ever showed even a tiny bit of anger towards me, hence me asking for opinions?

OP posts:
Ghostofallnightmares · 16/10/2024 14:10

Yet.
Not lost his shit at you yet.
I would look at this as a red flag. How other people treat others in wider society, how easily they are triggered in their work environment would definitely be telling me part of the story here.
I would say with most abusive people, theat they are rarely abusive to partners first off. It's the boiling frog thing .
Good luck 🍀

bakingwithtrays · 16/10/2024 14:11

ThisisHalloween96 · 16/10/2024 14:10

Not really because I know things go on in hospitals sometimes where staff aren’t treated properly by other staff members/patients? And he has never ever showed even a tiny bit of anger towards me, hence me asking for opinions?

oh op

at least say you don’t have children?

ThisisHalloween96 · 16/10/2024 14:12

bakingwithtrays · 16/10/2024 14:11

oh op

at least say you don’t have children?

Whether I have children or not is completely irrelevant because I don’t introduce them to my partners or people I’m dating. I never ever have.

OP posts:
ThisisHalloween96 · 16/10/2024 14:13

Ghostofallnightmares · 16/10/2024 14:10

Yet.
Not lost his shit at you yet.
I would look at this as a red flag. How other people treat others in wider society, how easily they are triggered in their work environment would definitely be telling me part of the story here.
I would say with most abusive people, theat they are rarely abusive to partners first off. It's the boiling frog thing .
Good luck 🍀

That’s really helpful thank you! I must admit I felt a bit uneasy when he followed her to confront her, as in work you have to stay professional, even if other people don’t sort of thing…

OP posts:
Userengage · 16/10/2024 14:14

So the three incidents in the last three months are the ones he has told you about? There will be many others that you don’t know about. I don’t like to date bolshy, confrontational men, it’ll be coming your way soon.

bakingwithtrays · 16/10/2024 14:15

Userengage · 16/10/2024 14:14

So the three incidents in the last three months are the ones he has told you about? There will be many others that you don’t know about. I don’t like to date bolshy, confrontational men, it’ll be coming your way soon.

and these are the ones that he think don’t paint him in a bad light to his new girlfriend

frightening

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 16/10/2024 14:16

He has an anger issue which is not directed at you yet. But he’s letting you know he has anger issue.
Believe him. Anyone who works in a medical setting will tell you this is not acceptable.
All you know is the edited highlights and they are bad enough.
I am sorry OP but this man is already a walking, talking red flag.
It is easier to step away now then wonder in a few months time why he is aiming his anger at you.

bakingwithtrays · 16/10/2024 14:16

i’ve always wondered how some of the awful relationships i see posters starting threads about began and they even got in to a relationship with the person in question…. and i suppose this answers to some extent

Wordsmithery · 16/10/2024 14:35

And most people put on their best behaviour at work
Run, OP. And don't look back.

Singleandproud · 16/10/2024 14:38

People who have issues with multiple people in different scenarios then the common denominator is always them.

I've reached nearly 40 and never had an issue like that. I follow the proper process if I have an issue with a colleague. I don't understand how some people have so many altercations at work or in public but either way you don't need the drama in your life

bakingwithtrays · 16/10/2024 14:52

ThisisHalloween96 · 16/10/2024 14:12

Whether I have children or not is completely irrelevant because I don’t introduce them to my partners or people I’m dating. I never ever have.

yes Op, it is relevant and telling you don’t think so

either way, he’s hardly likely to tell you about the exchanges where he really has lost his shit and demonstrate the anger issues he quite obviously has. He has cherry picked what he’s told you. And even that is bloody disturbing

Zahariel · 16/10/2024 14:54

Does a stressful shitty job, has never lost his shit at you

Yeah nothing to worry about. Maybe they could be happier if they took some sort of mindfulness course though :)

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