To feel let down?

[Icemonkey32]

I feel awful writing this but I need to vent. I love my DH to bits but this week I really feel taken advantage of by him.
He works shifts (4 night shifts then 4 days off). When he’s in work, I’m obviously 100% responsible for the night feeds. It also means I’m solo parenting during the day as he’s catching up on sleep. I’m fine with this because his job means I get to be a SAHM, which I’m so grateful to him for, and I also love taking care of our baby. When he gets up, he then does nappies, any house work that needs doing that I haven’t got to yet, and makes dinner for us both before going back to work. He is not lazy and I really want to emphasise that.
Our baby doesn’t sleep through the night, and he cries all day unless you’re holding him. We have issues with reflux. This makes the day-to-day really difficult and it’s impossible for me to have any ‘me’ time when my husband is at work. By ‘me’ time, I mean the only way I can brush my own teeth without our baby screaming is to wear him in a sling. I genuinely don’t get a minute to myself. Again, I love being a mum but this can be exhausting and stressful at times.
On my DH’s days off, we take it in turns so we both get some ‘me’ time (nothing fancy, just think using the toilet without a baby looking at you). Baby is more settled this way so it also means he will actually nap non-contact during the day to allow us to have quality time together as a couple.
My issue isn’t with being a mum or my DH or his ability to be a dad. I don’t want relationship or parenting advice. I only want the issue below addressed.

My issue is this:
My husband is on day 3 of his 4 days off and he’s been suffering with a sinus infection. He’s prone to these and they make it difficult for him to breathe. He’s already called in sick for his 4 night shifts ahead. I’m sympathetic because I know these are nasty for him. However, he’s spent the past 3 days he’s had off in bed. He’s even in bed right now as I’m typing. He hasn’t done a thing this whole time he’s been sick and is planning on staying in bed until he’s 100% recovered. When he does get up, it’s to sleep on the couch before heading back to bed. This means that I’ve done every aspect of parenting solo for the past 4 days and nights he’s been in work, and am continuing to do everything solo now during his time off, plus more because he isn’t getting out of bed/off the couch. I’m expected to do this until he feels better. So im literally running our household alone, while he sleeps all day. I’m exhausted. And he isn’t lifting a finger to help with any aspect. For example, yesterday morning I left his laundry folded in a pile by our bed to be put away by him. The pile is still there now because he’s ‘too sick’ to do it.
Yesterday evening I was cooking our dinner while he was sleeping on the couch. Our baby was crying and I asked him to see to him as I was busy in the kitchen. He said he can’t because he’s too sick. So I ended up wearing baby in a sling to cook.

He seems to think that being sick means that you get to have time off from parenting. This is the first time either of us have felt unwell since becoming parents (our baby is only 2 months old), so it’s new territory to navigate. I’m really annoyed by this because my issue is, if I was sick during his 4 night shifts, I wouldn’t be able to just sleep all day, i’d have to crack on. I feel really taken advantage of to be honest. But I don’t want to approach this with DH yet because im also exhausted which does make me more emotional, and I don’t want to end up arguing. So

AIBU to be upset, or not? If not, how should I approach this?

I’m also feeling slightly resentful at the sight of him sleeping all day when I’m running around juggling what feels like a million plates on zero sleep.

Also to clarify, he isn’t contagious. He’s struggled with this type of infection before and it’s made its appearance throughout our marriage. It cannot be passed on to me or to our baby

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be upset. I can see you’re trying your hardest to be understanding but I agree that he needs to realise you can’t just sack off childcare when you feel ill. Occasionally a parent is completely incapacitated of course but it’s hard to understand how a sinus infection would mean this.

To give him the benefit of the doubt, I do think it takes us all time to adjust to what being a parent means - I remember our first holiday and what a shock it was realising how holidays were never the same again. It can take men longer given you’ve had pregnancy and already more accustomed to the magnitude of your responsibility.

I think you’re right but wise to not just get into a tired argument. Can anyone else help you just now, then when things are more settled you have a proper chat about expectations. Also becoming parents expose just different family cultures - perhaps everyone took to bed off ill in his family but yours were more inclined to push on through?

I think for me it depends how unwell he actually is. If he genuinely is so unwell that he NEEDS to be in bed, can’t keep eyes open kind of ill, then I think this is fair enough.

My husband was really unwell for a few days earlier this year when our daughter was about 3 months old, he really was very ill, fever, couldn’t keep anything down, he was basically asleep for those days, and I didn’t begrudge that at all. I could clearly see how unwell he was, he was in no fit state to look after a baby at all and I wouldn’t have asked or expected him to. I’ve only seen him that unwell a handful of times in all the years I’ve known him so I had no issues picking up the slack while he recovered because that was what was best for everyone. Also, seeing how unwell he was I was very wary of baby catching it and also becoming very unwell, so it was best for a number of reasons that he was hands-off baby during that time.

If he had just been a bit under the weather, a bit snotty, more tired than usual etc then he would still have done his share of parenting or at least some parenting.

There’s a difference I think between being really ill and needing to just be in bed and recover, and being a bit under the weather and just wanting to be in bed. The former I think is absolutely fair enough, the latter I think you have to just relax when you can but still do the rest.

I will say though if I was really unwell in the same way and could do no more than rest & recover then I know my husband would do absolutely whatever he could to give me the same grace in return.

Thank you for the responses so far. He’s well enough to eat, drink, keep everything down, and walk from the bed to the couch and back, and occasionally pop into the kitchen to use his coffee machine.
This is why I’m struggling slightly. I fully agree that it would be fair to do none of the parenting share if completely bed-bound

I would leave the baby with him and go and take a nap.

If he can pop into the kitchen to make himself a coffee then he is not seriously sick. I had flu once and couldn't lift my head off the pillow to drink a glass of water on the bedside table. If he was like that, I would understand.

I can see why you're so annoyed and frustrated. My husband is the same, wonderful most of the time and absolutely NOT lazy, but when he's ill... jeeeze, what a whimp.

What is he usually like when ill? Is he someone who powers through when he can and only behaves like this when he is really genuinely very unwell? Or is he someone who retreats to doing nothing at the slightest sniffle?

As I think I’d judge based on that maybe rather than how you think he looks. Like my husband is definitely a “power through” person, he never rings in sick to work unless he really really cannot work, he never spends a day in bed unless he really feels he cannot do more than that, so I know if he was saying to me “look, I’m really struggling with this I just can’t do xyz” I’d believe him because he’s not the type to lay it on thick when it’s not needed. If he told me he wasn’t well enough to do something then I believe him, because I know that he wouldn’t say that unless he truly needed it.

If my husband was the type to act like every cold and sniffle was death’s door though then that would be different and in that instance I’d not be certain I believed him when he said he absolutely could not do anything.

I think he's taking the piss, he maybe unwell, but he is a parent and has duties. If he is well enough, walk about and make a drink, he is well enough to take the baby for a while. Even if it's lying on the bed together. Parenting is hard work. I'd be making sure I'd get a rest

I would say, keep it light-hearted to start with. Ask him if he can sit up in bed and hold baby while you have a shower and wash your hair. Something practical and basic.

Then when you have done that, say "oh, you two look cosy, shall I leave baby with you and get on with stuff downstairs". Again, sounds practical. What you do when you are downstairs baby free is up to you.

If he objects, then you could get firm and say "I need a break"

He aounsa as though hes realky unwell. Tbf ive has that and its ao hard to lift your head up.

I would give him a break over this. He can't help being ill. He sounds like he will do his share when he can. It wont last too long