To find it inappropriate when men ask me for a hug?

[CandidHare]

I’ve noticed that some men - both acquaintances and people I don’t know that well - ask me for hugs, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it, but I find it a bit inappropriate, especially when the context doesn’t call for it. It feels like an invasion of personal space, and I often don’t know how to say no without making things awkward.

AIBU to feel this way? Do others find it uncomfortable when men (or anyone) ask for hugs, or is this just a normal social gesture that I should be okay with?

Where has all this hugging come from?

^

Americans

Yes totally inappropriate.

I hate it when people try to hug me. I only hug people I've married or given birth to.

I have very specific people I hug. And I only want to hug those people.I have very much enjoyed the death of the handshake during and after covid. Im retired so work handshakes are no longer part of my life. If I'm in a group and a new person joins I just give a friendly hello and a sort of wave. I stand just a little bit back from the main people so I don't have to do handshakes,hugs. Some people see hugs as somehow making them better/ superior people "Oo I'm a hugger me. Angelina doesn't like hugging do you?". Oh DFOD

@Unprecedentedusername
I have often wondered this. I am happy to hug people I am close to, I even like it, but people who have to hug do puzzle me.

Aside from some of the elderly residents at a care home I visit regularly who do like a hug and are welcome to one whenever they want one. Otherwise, people I don't know very well, no, nope don't want that thank you very much.

Actually thinking about it, it does make hugging special when people who don't do hugging with everyone give you a hug.
I was seeing a lovely chap a few years ago, he was popular but hated physical contact. He told me this once, and when I commented I would remember that, he said, 'not you silly, you get a free pass and can have as many hugs as you want.'
His were even more special cos he was happy to just hug me, it didn't have to always be a lead into foreplay.
Damn! I had forgotten but now I miss those hugs!

Actually thinking about it, it does make hugging special when people who don't do hugging with everyone give you a hug.
I was seeing a lovely chap a few years ago, he was popular but hated physical contact. He told me this once, and when I commented I would remember that, he said, 'not you silly, you get a free pass and can have as many hugs as you want.'
His were even more special cos he was happy to just hug me, it didn't have to always be a lead into foreplay.
Damn! I had forgotten but now I miss those hugs!

I'm male and there are occasions where I feel that I need to at least offer a hug to a colleague (e.g. where they are tearful and I feel like a bit of a cold-hearted lemon just sitting there).

That said, I'd rather not hug and I certainly wouldn't want to give the impression that it's expected. On those rare occasions, I'm careful to offer an easy-out: e.g. "Do you need a hug or are you okay?"

It is so difficult when a man does something that makes one feel uncomfortable to say something. It's like one is accusing them of being a rapist. But I think we all have to say no, make a stand, deal with them afterwards. Put ourselves first.

In the context of this thread, they don't.

The OP is talking specifically about someone asking if it is okay, rather than just leaning in for the hug.

No your not wrong.

Just say no if you don't want to hug someone. Without an apology BTW.

I think it depends who it is for me. Creepy husband of one friend just thinks I'm not a hugging person. My chiropractor and physiotherapist give really good hugs. If you don't like it just laugh, shake your head and say 'nooo I don't hug, nothing personal.' Keep it light. If that doesn't work, get a bit more assertive in refusing.

I often don’t know how to say no without making things awkward.

"No, thank you."

"I'm not really a hugger."

"I'd rather not."

"I find work hugging very awkward, so no."

"I'm still maintaning the Covid 2-metre rule."

"Look, Elvis!" [Then run away.]

"Ooh I'd prefer a fist bump!"

Never experienced or seen this phenomenon with others.

You must be absolutely stunning to constantly be having men wanting to hug you.

I've actually asked women before if I can give them a hug (I'm a straight woman, fyi).

It's usually because I feel the situation calls for it (eg. the person is upset about something, or I'm thanking them for something) but a) I don't quite have the confidence to just do it and b) I want to respect peoples personal space and not just go in for one, without consent. Its touching their body after all, no matter how platonic, and plenty of people don't like hugs, so I ask.

I do get this from men though, and I'm not sure why. I'm a short wee plump thing. The usual method I get is them just opening their arms wide whilst saying 'come ere' or 'give us a hug' or, just holding their arms open without saying anything. It's not because I've been upset or angry or anything. It's usually more common in my earlier interactions with them as well, when I don't know them well, which is interesting. I've no idea why though.

Don't think this runs true, at all. I'm short, fat (like actually fat) and not stunning. I wonder if they feel sorry for me? If that's the case though I'd rather they didn't, I don't need their sympathy, I'm quite happy and not in need of physical affection!

YANBU. It’s very creepy and I usually reply with “no”, but understand that sometimes we feel under duress and avoid making things awkward, which makes it even worse for ourselves to spare their feelings.

My friends and I call them “‘Where’s My Hug’ Guys”. There’s often something about a ‘Where’s My Hug’ Guy that gives him away as one before he’s even asked for a hug, but I can’t put my finger on what it is. A smell of desperation, perhaps? Ergh.

Quite right. What a creep. Would he have offered a man a hug?!

Some people are huggers and some not. I’m pretty sure you aren’t attracting creepy men who are interested in you physically!

I am a hugger but I know that there are some people I would never hug as they are not. Maybe you haven’t perfected the don’t hug me face yet.

Hugging is only inappropriate if it feels so to you and you have every right to reject a hug. At the same time it’s best not to assume they are into you or something. That’s just madness!

A couple of times, fairly big blokes have hugged me without asking. I’m 4’11 and felt smothered as well as pissed off.

Literally wearing this top today 😂

Plan a default "I'm ok thank you" and subject change

I'm a woman and totally guilty of this! I even asked a stranger to massage my neck at a gig. I guess I'm pretty relaxed about physical contact.

Mind you it is reserved for people I actually find attractive.

Maybe men don't mind as much as women and I can carry on as I am?

It's just one of those where some people give me the ick and some people don't.

Voted YABU because you're worried about what "people" think, ffs if you don't want to be hugged, just say no.

If you act weak and passive, people will trample all over you. It's a very easy fix.