I too feel slightly subdued this Xmas, although I should be grateful for what we have.
This year it will be me, dh, adult ds & my elderly mother. My dd will come over in the morning with her dp & our dgs, but it's her inlaws turn to have them at lunch this year.
I was used to big family Xmas's with extended family when I was young & it was great. We used to have big get togethers at Xmas with my parents, sister & her family & our children.
Now my dad is no longer with us, my sister has her own elderly mil to think about & it's too difficult to bring her to ours. All the children have grown up & got their own families & inlaws to consider too, apart from our son; so while I'm so thankful for what we do have, compared to how it used to be it will feel not much different to a lockdown Xmas for us (minus the misery of covid). I'll be glad when it's over. Maybe it's because I'm getting older & things have changed.
Sorry for the pity party by the way!