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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Q whether being a step-mum is worth it?

29 replies

ByCheekyDreamer · 14/10/2024 22:59

I’ve recently started dating someone who has kids from a previous relationship. While I care about him and want to be supportive, I’m unsure about the potential challenges and responsibilities of stepping into a step-mum role. Is it worth the emotional investment and possible complications that come with it? I’d love to hear from those who have been in a similar situation - what are the pros and cons?

OP posts:
HildegardeofBingen · 14/10/2024 23:05

In my case, no regrets. Though it depends on the bloke and, to an extent, on the children. I think rushing into a quasi maternal role too quickly can backfire.

TheShellBeach · 14/10/2024 23:07

If you read the threads on the step-parenting board, you'll find that it isn't recommended at all, for a host of reasons.

annonymousse · 14/10/2024 23:08

I've been with DH for 20 years and I love him and we're happy but had I known at the beginning how hard it would be I would never have entered a relationship with him.

My DC were older when we met and his were quite little so I was back to holidays around his kids and back to school runs.

The biggest challenge was the fact the kids mum is a difficult character and used the kids as weapons, withholding contact if her life wasn't going well.

His kids are adults now and i have a great relationship with them but there were definitely times when I wished they would disappear

whatthehelldowecare · 14/10/2024 23:10

I wouldn't change it for the world. She was 6 when we met and 15 now and she brings nothing but joy to my life

DoYouReally · 14/10/2024 23:29

In the case we're I've seen it work successfully, the following are usually typical:

  • the partner & their ex spouse have an amicable, respectful relationship with no legacy issues or bitterness
  • the partner is emotionally mature and is a good parent
  • there is a decent gap between the marraige breakdown/divorce and the new relationship
  • the new partner realises and accepts that the children come first

I've never been a step mum but many friends have with varying degrees of success. All would say it's challenging but a few say it's worth it

Oodiks · 14/10/2024 23:32

I'm still in touch with my stepchildren (I've known them since they were 7 & 9 and they are now 29 & 31) despite getting divorced from their dad. He's an arsehole, but they're great!

Moveoverdarlin · 14/10/2024 23:35

All my friends said ‘never again’ having known what they know now.

I was determined not to end up with a man with kids. I just knew it wouldn’t suit my nature. I’m quite jealous, maybe a little spoilt. I just would have no interest in playing second fiddle and being the second woman he experienced marriage and children with.

cadburyegg · 14/10/2024 23:36

You don't have to be a step mum. My ex husband has had a girlfriend for over a year and she's never met the children. They keep their relationship entirely separate.

Dramatic · 14/10/2024 23:43

You'll get hugely varied views on this and a lot will depend on the children's other parent, the character of the children, how accepting they are, whether your partner allows/wants you to be an active parent etc

From personal experience it has been SO much harder than I ever could have imagined. I can't say I'd recommend it at all.

pollypocket90 · 15/10/2024 00:49

I wouldn't recommend it either. As so many have said, if I'd have known how hard it was going to be I would've ran a million miles in the other direction!

FedupMumof10YearOld · 15/10/2024 01:45

I'm not sure blended families work very well. Some do, granted.

I have been with partner for a few years and decided I don't want to be anything other to them than Dad's gf who they come across now & then. It's as much for them as it is me. No desire to move in together until possibly the kids are older.

I have 2 children and I don't want a SD for them either. I just want to focus on my children and not force anyone to share their space / life.

But there are people that choose to blend successfully, it's just not for me.

SophiaJ8 · 15/10/2024 04:57

I’ve made it to the other side, but I’d never recommend anyone does it, it’s literally been hell.

MillyMollyMandHey · 15/10/2024 05:33

Absolutely not. Stay away from anyone with kids. Life is too short to make it hard.

It's been nothing but issues.

Bewareofthisonetoo · 15/10/2024 05:38

Like others -if I had known how hard it would be I never would have done it.

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/10/2024 05:40

TheShellBeach · 14/10/2024 23:07

If you read the threads on the step-parenting board, you'll find that it isn't recommended at all, for a host of reasons.

To be fair I guess the step mothers who are having a wonderful life aren’t on MN telling everyone about it. The nature of these boards is you get a very screwed perspective. I’m not saying ‘go for it’ btw and I have no experience of it myself but I’m just saying it’s not going to be a representative sample on here starting posts about their experience.

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/10/2024 05:43

I’ve known people be fine and people have issues. I guess it depends how much you like him. At the very least I would wait a LONG time before meeting them. That will be beneficial to all of you I would have thought.

Teisen1990 · 15/10/2024 05:49

Knowing what I know now I would also run in the other direction.
Head to the step parent board to hear all many reasons why this is a tough path

As a PP says, life is too short to make it difficult

Edwardandtubbs · 15/10/2024 05:53

I’d be thinking about:
How old the children are
What the relationship with the ex is like
What will the living situation be
What are your partners expectations

It’s taken us 15 years to get to a good place and it is far from perfect. I wouldn’t change it now, but there are times when I nearly got out and sometimes wonder if that would have been better.

FlyingontheGround · 15/10/2024 05:56

No, would not recommend. If you do, go in with very, very low expectations around the treatment you will receive and the level of priority you or any shared DC will ever take. Do not expect that any of your needs will ever be met and accept you will have all the responsibility of being a parent but that your opinion will never count for anything. You should also consider this a privilege.

wellicantseethem · 15/10/2024 07:39

HildegardeofBingen · 14/10/2024 23:05

In my case, no regrets. Though it depends on the bloke and, to an extent, on the children. I think rushing into a quasi maternal role too quickly can backfire.

A lot can also depend on your DP's ex!

GreyCarpet · 15/10/2024 07:48

I didn't date when mine were younger because I didn't want them to have a step parent.

I also didn't date men with children under around 15 for the same reason.

Differences in attitudes towards parenting, discipline, education and appropriate diets were more of an issue to le than there being an ex to navigate.

I have adult children as does my partner. I love my partners children as he does mine in that we care about and support them equally to our own. My youngest was 15 when we started dating. But they are very different people and had very different upbringings. I'm not sure either of our approaches would have suited the other 100%.

jeaux90 · 15/10/2024 07:50

So I've been with my partner 7 years. He has a DS 19 and I have DD15 so they were a lot younger when we met.

Timing is everything. We have taken great holidays together etc but we are not moving in until next year.

I'd say you really need to look at the development stage/age and wait until it works for you and the DC.

Also his ex is pretty reasonable, this is definitely a factor.

Wellingtonspie · 15/10/2024 07:55

I’d say you have a 2% chance of having one of those truly lovely blended families. Where everyone is genuinely happy and I don’t mean a the steps seem happy while secretly telling their mates they hate it.

Most people I know in real who are either now a step parent or where the step child wouldn’t do it again or wouldn’t inflict it upon their children.

One friend who goes around collecting new step daddies so I wouldn’t say it works for her either but she seems to enjoy it.

cinapolada · 15/10/2024 07:57

Couldn't think of anything worse, can't think of a single blended or step family that looks like it works well, the first kids always seem to pull the short straw. Doesn't look much fun for step mum either, only winner seems to be the bloke getting his dick around looking for someone to bear the brunt of parenting/housework.

Wellingtonspie · 15/10/2024 07:59

The one that tends to work best is mum with children, fell off the face of the planet sperm donor with a step dad who has no children of his own where they have none together once together.

Just have to watch out for the noncey type of men preying on a mum of young-teen daughters in that situation too.

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