Going to try and condense many years of marriage here but it's a long one sorry...
Housework/mental load type things have always been a bone of contention in our marriage. Early years of marriage I had the busier job and I got very resentful very quickly that I was doing the brunt of housework. The biggest bone of contention was washing up which he'd say he'd do but he's leave it for days and days till the weekend. If I raised the fact this time frame was unreasonable (especially when I was working from home and having to look at a kitchen covered in days old plates) I was a nag and I basically needed to lighten up and focus on happiness (and lowering my standards) in our marriage rather than criticizing.
We moved house after a few years into another rented property which had a dishwasher and I hired a cleaner on the basis if he wasn't going to help, then we'd use our money to pay someone to help. However I'd often still feel upset when I felt a lot of the stuff I still did ("the mental load" of bills, organising all family/social things, doing everything for Christmas etc which all fell on me) was really acknowledged and I felt quite dismissed.
Moving on we now have 2 kids who are both at school. When they were born it we agreed I'd stay at home whilst he worked till at least they were in school if not longer. I was happy with this arrangement and whilst never discussed, obviously the unwritten rule of that meant I'd be taking the brunt of the housework. 7 years later he now runs his own business and whilst this is a stress in the sense of him carrying the financial burden and obviously just building a business his hours are pretty reasonable. To add he's a great dad in that he spends lots of time with the boys and is very present with them when he does- he usually does bedtime with the kids unless he's out for work.
I'm still not working but I'm heavily involved in local community work in a few various roles, as well as doing bits for my husbands business and also running a bit of a passion project of my own (which together easily add up to about 20 hours work a week if not more). A lot of this is to upskill myself for returning to the workplace at some point but I do it all for free currently- it's also really important to me in helping me feel like I'm my own person and I'm using my brain (which I think makes me a better and more patient mum).
Our marriage has been rocky of late anyway but I've brought up the fact I'm feeling frustrated that I feel more like this mother than his partner. I have no problem supporting him practically in the house and taking the brunt of house stuff (and in that I include bills, organising our calender etc) even doing all his washing and ironing. Where I have a problem is he's now moved to a position where he basically takes no responsibility for anything in the house including picking up his clothes to put in the wash, moving his plates off the table to be put in the dishwasher etc.
I brought all this up recently and I was basically told it shows how little I value him, that I don't understand the stress he has by being the breadwinner, I have plenty of time in my week to get everything done (and basically inferred the housework should come before stuff I do such as community work) when the kids are at school and I should stop being so critical. To be honest I felt a bit gaslit by the conversation, though some of my friends and family have made comments about how little my husband does round the house (and just to say he does no DIY or garden stuff either). He will occassionally cook (maybe once every two weeks) and occassionally tidy the kitchen after a meal but other than that it's me. I also worry about his lack of doing anything in the house and what that message sends to our children. I'm really angry at how dismissed I feel about the conversation we had but then I'm second guessing myself and wondering am I being unreasonable and since he does provide so well for us and is a really present dad I should stop complaining?
So am I being unreasonable for feeling like a total skivvy and a 1950s wife? Or am I living the dream, and I should suck it up and keep picking up his pants forever more?