To Be Bored By Husband

[HildegardeofBingen]

I have recently retired.

He's a decent, person.

The problem is a kind of passivity in him. He simply never suggests anything interesting that we might do.

It's always me who says, 'Let's do this'. Or, 'Let's do that.'

Left to himself he just sort of potters about contentedly. Somewhere it makes me feel uncared for, that he doesn't want to invest in us doing stuff together.

I do have friends and interests that I pursue independently.

But I'm sad that he doesn't see my retirement as presenting some kind of shared opportunity and coming up with ideas and suggestions about enjoyable things is starting to feel rather more like just one more bit of 'wifework'.

I put YABU simply because he's not going to become a different person just because you've retired. He's a passive character and quite contented pottering around at home, and that's just who he is. So I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to be different.

But of course you're not unreasonable to wish it could be different. However, it's not going to be so I think the only answer is to accept that if you're going to do interesting things together it's going to be you who has to drive it.

Congratulations on your retirement!

PP has nailed it!

Did you ever talk about what you were both going to be doing before you retired? Yanbu in my eyes because surely he'd like to spend as much time as you together now you're retired.

On the plus side, if he's not driving any of this stuff, at least you get to choose what you do! He'll most likely go along with whatever you suggest.

Did your husband retire before you did? If so, could it just be that he’s got into a comfort groove, and it’s not occurred to him that he now has you to consider as well?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to make some suggestions of what you can do together, if he’s ok with this, and comes along, then keep it up, but let him suggest things as well. If he can’t be bothered, then simply organise what you want to do for yourself. It’s another change of life period, some folks grab it with both hands, other don’t have a ruddy clue! But you only get one chance at it, so don’t waste it in resentment and boredom.

Can you just start a discussion about what you might do together over the next week, year etc and ask him to start thinking about a "do together" bucket list or how he imagined you would do things together now you have retired. Then come back to it when he has had some thinking time.

Can't you just pleasantly say to him "DH it'd be lovely if we could do some things now I've retired. I think we ought to each suggest one new thing each week we can do together, and a more adventurous thing, like a city break every 2 months or so? What do you think?"

My husband is exactly the same, but has always been like it. It didn't bother me until he retired a year ago (I had to give up work 3 years ago). I have to look for things to do, places to go, and book them. The alternative is that I go without him, which I do sometimes, but I want us to do things together. He generally enjoys things when we're out, though.