Family court is just so awful

[PastaQueen3]

The family court is just so awful. Ex is thoroughly abusive and is getting away with abusing our dd during contact. Dd no longer wishes to see him but her Guardian is blaming me for the breakdown in contact despite me taking her every single time. DD has told her Guardian, school, police and social care she doesn't want to see him and is scared. He's been arrested for the allegations DD has made as I reported him to the police. Yet somehow I'm the villain and I'm responsible for the breakdown in contact.
I just want to give up.
I feel completely defeated.

Don’t give up. The truth will come out. Keep your strength and remember why you are doing this. 💕

Family courts are awful and not fit for purpose or child-centric. Abusive fathers are able to continue abuse and control through these courts.

I was treated like dirt and my kids put through hell.

I had no choice other than to defy the court order and shut down all forms of direct contact so that he could only pass on a message to me via third party as I just couldn't cope with the constant harassment, abusive and vexatious court action. I had no legal aid - he was fully flanked with solicitor, barrister, yet paid not one penny ever in CM.

My defiance of the court was my only route to sanity and saving my kids from the abuse. My now-adult children told me years later how grateful they were that I protected them.

Did he not take you back to court for enforcement action?

We had this with an abusive FIL, if only that curtain was peeled back so people could actually see how bad judges are. My MIL was abused in every way for decades, loads of witnesses, all present in court, none of it considered because it was only what happened in the last few months that mattered, then that didn’t matter because after being married for so long surely they could work something out. They did, MIL left with absolutely nothing. The judge identified far more with my FIL than he did with my MIL, that says what it says.

This makes me so angry. I feel for you so much op and know exactly what you're going through.

Yes’m it’s a national disgrace. How there can be so many judges who are so incapable is absolutely baffling. My friend managed to get CCTV of her ex abusing the kids and she was still held accountable for “parental alienation” as the reason they didn’t want to see him

I really feel for you but don't give up. I've had the Judge shout at me at family court for talking to my barrister!
Family courts are horrendous - people freely lie and make appalling and untrue allegations against others and get away with it. Don't give up on your DD; she needs you. Sorry you are feeling how you are but I've been there (as has my DH) and felt like giving up too. It's OK to have days where you are down. Be kind to yourself, take your mind off it (somehow - walk, swim). You can do this. xx

What's a guardian in this context? Is DD in care?

yes the family courts are unbelievable. It is where I see the most similarities between UK and Afghanistan

Been there, done that, got the tshirt. My barrister said our judge was the worst she's seen in 20+ years of practicing law. Sadly he isn't alone.

I firmly believe a lot of these family court judges gravitate to the role because they themselves enjoy the power they have over traumatised women.

Cafcass Guardian. She's just as bad as him

The children’s guardian (from cafcass) represents the interests of the children in a family court case (or that’s how it works in theory!)

💯

Yes, I agree. My ex DiL prevented my DS from seeing his son. She played the system, withholding contact, not turning up, waiting until agreements were ready to be finalised and then claiming something else, until then court started to talk about her parent alienation and saying they would remove the child to live with his dad.
At that point she made up another awful lie and it all started again.

Destroyed my DS and has left his son with attachment issues.

The system doesn't work for anyone.

I heard the most horrific story on woman's hour about this a few months ago.

A woman had two daughters and shared custody with her ex husband. The daughters revealed to her that the father was sexually abusing them, and they reported this to the police (might "just" have been the older daughter who was being abused, can't remember). The mother was accused of parental alienation, and it was ordered that the daughters would be removed from her and live with their father. This only didn't happen because another (unrelated) child came forward with the same allegations.
The father was sent to prison, and when he came out, the mother had to continually fight to stop him having access to the younger daughter (the older daughter was an adult by this point).

Genuinely the stuff of nightmares.

My dd's guardian (because I absolutely refused to consider any contact appropriate ) admitted after 4 years he had based his entire report on information he got from exh... His case collapsed.. Ime you need to go through Cafcass report with a highlighter... Point out any definitive errors and your legal team need to flag it to a judge direct. Do not give up. Your dd bloody needs you.

@PastaQueen3 He had no intention of stepping up and I was at the end of my tether so reasoned that the courts wouldn't throw me in jail or take the children away from me because I was the only one providing for them. At least that was my thinking at the time.

I also knew that it was about control and that as soon as I became uncontactable directly (ie he couldn't harass me) he soon threw in the towel saying it was all my fault because I had deliberately alienated blah blah horse shit.

This story goes very deep but you get the gist. I tried to do everything by the book but all it got me was a nightmare of world-class proportions. So I went rogue. We must protect our kids at all costs. It's the most basic part of our job as their mum.

And all those bastard misogynist male stale pale family court judges - I have no words for the spleen I feel towards them.

Breaching the order is not an option for me. I'm too scared to. I just hate how I'm being blamed for everything yet there's no actual evidence that it's me.. yet when it comes to him he's been arrested and DD is articulating why she doesn't want to see him.

Breaching the order is not an option for me. I'm too scared to. I just hate how I'm being blamed for everything yet there's no actual evidence that it's me.. yet when it comes to him he's been arrested and DD is articulating why she doesn't want to see him.

First piece of advice: practice not caring about what other people think. As the mother, you will ALWAYS be blamed for everything. Your ex will blame you, the courts will point blaming fingers at you... blaming women is the way of the world.

You have to learn to let it wash off you like water off a duck's back.

Remember also that it is not the parent's right to see the child - it is the child's right to have the contact. It is also a child's right to be kept safe, secure, and happy.

You might think about contacting one of the women's charities, like women's aid, for advice. They can probably signpost you to additional support.

No further advice, but sending . I have no experience of FC but have heard horrific stories. Sending love ♥️.

I've seen similar reported in the press or linked on MN.
Family court is just another abusive system to protect mens 'rights'

I wonder in the case above, what happens if the mother moves away with the children eg from Surrey (for example) to Carlisle. Just moves, obviously not everyone could do this, but might it delay contact with an abusive father?

It's just been a slog and I'm so defeated by it.

You have to channel your inner lioness.

It's all so unfair, and it wears you down, but you absolutely have to find your strength. Make sure you take time for self-care if you can. Eat healthily. Rest as well as you can. Do things that you enjoy, even if it's watching your favourite movie on Netflix.

Hang on in there. You are not alone.