Let them. (What have you walked away from and not looked back?)

[girlfriend44]

I thought this might be interesting.
There's a saying go round and a group called let them.

You walk away from conflict, arguments, problems without getting angry and getting into conflict also chasing people when the relationship is toxic.
You basically walk away and let people think what they want.
Have you walked away and not engaged recently and let them.

I think sometimes it can make you feel better.

We always think we have to engage, argue back, try and get our point across, be worried about what people think.
Have you adopted the let them approach and has it helped you?

I’ve never had friendships or relationships with high levels of conflict or confrontation, let alone raised voices or shouting or name calling or any of that stuff - I can’t stand it, and it’s not a dynamic I want in my life at all. So if someone wants all that drama and intensity they can find someone else to have it with.

Also I don’t get at all why you’d pursue someone who’s not communicating with you. If they’re flaky, you’re not going to fix that by complaining to them about it. If they don’t want to talk to you, you’re just going to make a nuisance of yourself if you insist on trying to make them understand how you feel. Sometimes we have to take the hint. Other people don’t owe us friendship on our terms.

Sometimes things just don’t work out between people and that’s just life. It’s normal. Not every uncomfortable or painful situation is a problem to be solved.

Someone asked up thread how this is different to ghosting, and I’d say that I have ‘ghosted’ people as a last resort, when they will just not fucking let go.

When I know that they will never stop wanting more from me or finding me lacking or feeling neglected and hustling me for more or different levels of contact. When there is no possibility of ending a relationship amicably, with their ‘permission’, because they’ll just try again and again to tell me how I’m wrong and need to see things their way and need to do things the way they want me to.

I have gone NC with people who don’t know how to relate to others without controlling them, because their whole thing is that they go through life with a constant fear of abandonment and a sense of grievance that nobody cares enough. And they need to keep others in the position of the neglectful / uncaring other. And the whole relationship becomes about my trying to prove that I care and their never finding it enough.

Nothing I can do will ever fill that hole for them. It’s sad but I had to choose my own emotional survival.

I haven't heard of this either.
A bit passive for my liking.

My ex husband told loads of lies about me. I got quite upset about it at one point, and then I just, let it go. The day I was able to let it all go, and thought those that know me, know the truth. Those that chose to believe him, don't matter. The day I let go of my anger and feelings of unfairness was the day I was free.

Can highly recommend thus.

I first did this with my XH. Almost a decade on a close friend was shocked at what he was saying to people about me when he collared her in a bar. I told her I wasn't surprised or bothered. People can believe him if they like, says more about him/them than me. If people are going to believe his nonsense they're not people I want in my life anyway.

Subsequently quietly dropped a very old friend because of one drama too many, I suddenly saw her in a whole new way. I truly wasn't bothered about seeing her any more.

Most recently I did it with my job. Stopped wasting my time trying to change things, let them get on with it, quietly quit for a year whilst getting my financial ducks in a row then actually quit work, for good.

I also subscribe to 'if they want to they will'. So people generally get a couple of chances. After that I don't chase them.

Make soup
Ride my pony and finally frame all my favourite photos and hang them up!

I think the description here is misrepresenting the ‘Let them’ approach. It is not saying go No Contact with everyone, but to stop yourself from trying to control/advise other people. So if your teen doesn’t want to wear a coat in the rain, just let them rather than nag them. If DH has put on weight and doesn’t want to address it, just let them rather than interfere.

Oops wrong thread

But I walked away from a very toxic work environment and long term relationship and really just thought fuck the lot of you I'm off. Best thing I ever did.

Yes I go by the 'let them' approach. From a young age my mum taught me what others think of you is none of my business.

Often there's not much point in back and forth because unless both parties are prepared for some self reflection it's just a merry go round of who said/did and who feels more justified. Life is too short for this kind of rubbish.

If it costs me my peace then it's too expensive.

Yes…I don’t care about other people’s opinion of me. They either like me or they don’t. I have a loving family and friends I’ve had for many years, so for those who don’t like me, I 🤷‍♀️ and walk away.

Yes, I've done this for years. Some people will never drop the bone, so I just let them take it.

It's usually family who go in for this sort of behaviour, because they're the ones who can get away with it (you have to love them regardless). My sister loves to bait and start arguments. Sometimes I stupidly take the bait, mostly I completely ignore it now. Took me years to learn the technique though.

I am a big proponent, in the case of conniving/twatty people, of the concept ‘give them enough rope to hang themself’. Often others won’t see what you see so walk away, grab some popcorn, and just give it time. In terms of engaging with the ignorant, I do often just walk away. I learned a long time ago not to argue with idiots on the internet about my trigger subjects!

I believe that the opposite of love is indifference so on several occasions I have managed to become utterly indifferent to people I once loved who have behaved very badly. Its much more liberating than hating them, plus it tends to annoy them more because you won't give them the oxygen of conflict that they want

I stay out of drama, it's going to bring nothing to my life and probably can't convince people of anything. Plus I am aware there will probably be a lot going on I don't know about so I won't really be qualified to comment.

Mel Robbins has a book on this theory coming out at the end of the year. Not sure how it will fill a whole book, but I’ve read all her others and they are usually good.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Let-Them-Theory-Life-Changing-Millions-ebook/dp/B0D978YKXT/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.BwvBdRz9YclTRafshTSFPcyM4utO5DDVBvOcB-iznvTWatd4oWwvvwOyFKRjxOHM.o7CN4cMs1RWvlvdrfR0-z3BAmdCaxgUqFS8HTe0yBIQ&qid=1728918170&sr=8-1

I live by the let them theory and it has been so cathartic for me.

I have a sibling with substance addiction issues. For years I tried to support them in to recovery, get them in to rehabs, narcotics anonymous, paying off debts for them etc. You name it I did it and in the end they just didn’t want to stop taking drugs and didn’t think they had a problem. So I had to walk away and let them get on with it.

My heart breaks for the life they should have had but in the end I’ve had to just let them….

I take great satisfaction in ending an argument by letting someone know that I couldn't give a flying fuck what they think about me. I find it really riles some people. They take genuine offence at me not caring, as if they consider it personally insulting that I'm not bothered about their views and that I don't really care whether they believe something about me that isn't true.

On the internet. After a couple of nasty experiences, I never engage in any kind of debate on the internet. I’ll comment on a mumsnet thread but never come back to read any replies or engage in any way, it is not worth the emotional energy. You’ll never change someone’s mind over the internet, best just to continue on your way and let them scream into the void.

My ex - he became more violent, didn't pay his share into the joint account which was just for bills and smoked more weed.

My last job which I left last week, though got paid til yesterday - as on holiday.

I do that too 😁

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding this. Surely society as a whole suffers if we leave everything we disagree with unchallenged, or leave it to someone else to deal with? It reminds me of that phrase that seems to have become very popular here: "you do you". There's obviously a place for walking away from a pointless argument or entrenched bad behaviour in personal relationships, but as an entire lifestyle strategy it seems incredibly passive to me.

Is anyone saying it’s an entire lifestyle strategy?

I think it’s a really active choice actually, to decide not to waste this one precious life on stupid stuff that when it comes down to it, you don’t care about (because if you did, you wouldn’t ’let them’….. eg I don’t care what people think of me, so I ‘let them’ think what they want about me).

Not sure if it’s similar, but one of my mantras is “damned if I do, damned if I don’t, so I won’t”.

There have been a few people in my life when younger who I made a lot of effort with, and it made no difference to our relationship whatsoever, so I stopped bothering. If they are going to slag me off anyway, may as well save my energy.

One of my other sayings is “go on then”. If someone is trying to bully or emotionally blackmail me, I’ll tell them to crack on. No one has ever followed through so far.

Some pp are saying that, yes.

"I do this with everything now."

"I use it in every aspect of my life."

"I live by the Let Them approach."

Like I say, perhaps I'm misunderstanding what they mean, but I don't think I could live like that, it doesn't sound healthy. It sounds like a symptom of overwhelm to me. If I found myself feeling that way I think I would look to reduce stress in other ways rather than just stopping engaging with anything that isn't in complete alignment with my opinions. I'm not talking about abusive people, to be clear, but realistically everyone's life is not stuffed with abusive people and situations that are best walked away from.

I’ve had to learn to do this with a colleague. She was being horrible to me and goading me. Unfortunately I said something back but was stood over her at the time as was about to walk away. She took advantage of this to raise her voice which then made it look like I was being aggressive. I did apologise but she went nuclear so there’s no coming back. We now try to be civil but she occasionally slips and I have had to learn to walk away. I feel the bigger person.