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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to want to split Christmas with ex

18 replies

Silentwhisper93 · 14/10/2024 10:21

Me and my ex have a 4 year olds daughter together. We’ve been apart for 2 years and he’s never bothered about Christmas even when we were together. He said he never wanted to celebrate due to past traumas. Anyway this year he’s asked to have her Christmas Day and I’ve said no. He doesn’t work and even when he did work, he never gave any maintenance. He never pays for uniform, clubs. I take to parties and attend parent evenings even though he’s aware of them of them. He sees her every other weekend but she doesn’t stay as she doesn’t want to as he went a couple of months without seeing her. So I suggested building that relationship to her to a stage where she stays again. I just don’t think he deserves it, he never has any money and I hate the thought she’d wake up to nothing Christmas morning. I have offered the evening of Christmas and if she feels comfortable she can stay and spend all day Boxing Day and he’s refused. I’m pretty sure he’s only asking as I have a partner as he always complains about my partner taking his place when he doesn’t want to and would never intrude. He also have a new girlfriend. Am I being unreasonable saying no? I have also said if he puts in the work with her this year he can absolutely have her next year.

OP posts:
VestPantsandSocks · 14/10/2024 10:22

YANBU - he needs to build a proper relationship with her first, not use her as a trophy when it suits him.

Viviennemary · 14/10/2024 10:24

When I first saw your heading I thought you were being unfair. But when I read your post I think you are doing the right thing under the circumstances. She can go on the evening of Christmas day and stay the night if she wants. That's fair.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2024 10:25

Tell him to jog on. When he starts doing day to day parenting he can get the extra special bits as well.

NuffSaidSam · 14/10/2024 10:25

YANBU, you're absolutely right to refuse Christmas day, but offer him the evening/boxing day.

popandchoc · 14/10/2024 10:26

Sounds like you have been more than fair. If he cared about her feelings he would know she wants to spend the day with you who looks after her.

BlackStrayCat · 14/10/2024 10:28

YANBU (and I also, was going to say yes reading your title)
He is not a proper parent and is indeed using her. Horrid.
Christmas evening. Good and generous suggestion.

MattDamon · 14/10/2024 10:28

Ugh, sorry you have to co-parent with such a shit dad. You're being generous even offering him the evening. I'd have offered a Boxing day visit.

Stick to your guns and enjoy your well-deserved time.

Silentwhisper93 · 14/10/2024 10:28

I really try to be fair. He vile towards me and I still try my hardest to make sure he sees her just so they can have some sort of relationship. I just want to be able to say I really tried.

OP posts:
MountainDewey · 14/10/2024 10:29

Agreed, when I first read the title I was getting ready to say you are being very unreasonable but it sounds like your suggestion is child focussed and well thought out. I'd stick to your guns and continue to offer Xmas eve evening.

MounjaroUser · 14/10/2024 10:30

No, he's either all in with parenting (which includes paying child support and providing a good home for her) or he's not. He clearly isn't a good parent. No way would I let him have her at Christmas. I'd let her go there on Christmas Eve for an hour or two - I'd tell him that's so he can give her her presents. You'll probably not hear from him again.

Silentwhisper93 · 14/10/2024 10:42

Yes maybe I should have worded the title better😂 but thanks all it’s gave me the reassurance as he makes me question myself sometimes and I do more than I should to help him!

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 14/10/2024 10:59

No I wouldn't, if she doesn't like staying with him normally she will be very upset spending Christmas day away from you

MrSeptember · 14/10/2024 11:11

Yes, I was also prepared to say you were being unreasonable, but this doesn't sound great. The bit I'd be focusing on is that he has always said he doesn't want to celebrate Christmas. But your DD does celebrate Christmas so she has the right to spend Christmas in the home of the parent who ALSO celebrates.

UnnecessaryOwl · 14/10/2024 11:37

He’s not asking to have DD because you have a new partner, he’s asking because he has a new GF and is attempting to make himself look like a doting dad to impress her.

You’re right to tell him the relationship needs to be built up for your daughters benefit, it’s not about what he wants it’s about what’s best for the child.

Tulips543 · 14/10/2024 11:37

My eldest GC parents have always shared time over Christmas/New Year but they co-parent well. Personally in your particular situation I would not be offering Christmas day evening - just Boxing day. He can take it or leave it.

MounjaroUser · 14/10/2024 11:46

I agree with @UnnecessaryOwl - he's trying to present himself to his new girlfriend as a good father. He'll do his best to show her you're committing parental alienation. She'll learn, though probably only after having her own child with him.

MadameRed · 14/10/2024 11:51

No. I wouldn't flex your plans. This man chooses to assume no responsibility for her wellbeing/food/clothing. He doesn't get to drag her down to his level on Christmas Day.

TealSapphire · 14/10/2024 12:06

Yeah generally I think children should spend time with both parents on Christmas day but in your situation no she shouldn't have to go to her dad's.

Mine used to be confused on Christmas day when they were at their dads that they got odd Santa gifts - too small clothes and baby toys. I overheard them one year talking about the 'shit Santa' and that they were glad they were waking up at home that Christmas 😅

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