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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caught in the Middle - OH and Ex-Best Friend

12 replies

BlairW · 13/10/2024 22:51

I'm really struggling to know what to do or if I am being unreasonable - please be kind as I'm really upset!

Between the ages of 18 to 28, I had an excellence friendship with a girl from university. We travelled together post uni, lived together.... basically the closest female friend I've ever had.

When I was 24, my sister (only sibling) died very suddenly. It was deeply traumatic as I had to identify her body for the police and it was initially a suspicious death (so possible murder) before lack of evidence resulted in an 'Open' outcome at inquest months later.

During this period my best friend supported me and came to her funeral. I had a year off and gradually got myself back on my feet and took a promotion for a fresh start in a new city.

Fast forward a few years, my best friend gets engaged and plans her hen do on my sisters birthday. I decline the invite as I know I won't be able to celebrate on that day as I really struggle with her birthday. Long story short, she was really unkind about it and basically told me to grieve on another day, when I said that it's how my grief works she got very aggressive.

The friendship broke down as a result and even thinking about it now, nearly 10 years later, still really upsets me.

The issue is.... I meet someone online 2 years ago and fell madly in love. After 6 months of dating, I found I'm pregnant (both delighted!) but that he's not only the boss of my ex-best friend but mates with her outside of work.

When I found out it, it triggered a panic attack and I just felt so overwhelmed. It brought back loads of memories about my sisters death and the falling out surrounding her hen do.

I haven't told my OH what exactly happened as I don't want to impact his working relationship with her but I'm finding it increasingly hard. I've told him that whilst we were very close friends, it's not a friendship I'm interested in reestablishing but he keeps bringing her up in conversation and it's making me uncomfortable. I feel if I told him what happened it would alter their department's dynamic, which my OH has spent years establishing.

AIBU? Would you tell your OH in this situation?

OP posts:
Gemmawemma9 · 13/10/2024 22:53

What the hell…yes of course tell him!! You’re having a baby with him! He needs to know. He is her boss so should maintain a professional working relationship with her. I have to say though, if he wants to continue a friendship outside work I guarantee there will be friction.

MissTrip82 · 13/10/2024 22:54

Yes.

I’ve lost a sibling. I’m sorry.

EmeraldDreams73 · 13/10/2024 22:55

Definitely tell him! Your relationship needs to be the priority. If/when it comes out later he would wonder why the hell you hadn't put him in the picture. Let him deal with his professional relationship with her. So sorry for your loss.

Ginkypig · 13/10/2024 23:08

He doesn’t need to know every single tiny detail but you definitely should tell him an outline on what happened and that this is bigger than a friendship you don’t want to re establish it was part of a massive life event that you feel pain looking back on it even now. That this wasn’t just a tiny fall out but it’s very much connected to the lose of your sister because it was all entwined together.

you have no idea if he might for example invite her along to some party you will be at if he doesn’t know enough.

you don’t need to bad mouth her but you need to be clear what happened and how hurt you were but that while of course he has every right to be friends with her and work with her, that you aren’t and you don’t want him talking to her about you and you won’t be attending any events she is at.
you could say that actually you would prefer he just didn’t mention her to you anymore but that might feel difficult for him as invariably she will be there in his life and be part of stories about his day he shares with you and you don’t want it to become a thing where he stops sharing incase it upsets you but I’m sure there is a middle ground here that means that won’t happen.

also I’m really sorry you lost your sister.

SometimesCalmPerson · 13/10/2024 23:29

You’re pregnant with his child, it’s past the point where you question being honest about things that are this important to you.

Original poster
BlairW · 13/10/2024 23:29

Ginkypig · 13/10/2024 23:08

He doesn’t need to know every single tiny detail but you definitely should tell him an outline on what happened and that this is bigger than a friendship you don’t want to re establish it was part of a massive life event that you feel pain looking back on it even now. That this wasn’t just a tiny fall out but it’s very much connected to the lose of your sister because it was all entwined together.

you have no idea if he might for example invite her along to some party you will be at if he doesn’t know enough.

you don’t need to bad mouth her but you need to be clear what happened and how hurt you were but that while of course he has every right to be friends with her and work with her, that you aren’t and you don’t want him talking to her about you and you won’t be attending any events she is at.
you could say that actually you would prefer he just didn’t mention her to you anymore but that might feel difficult for him as invariably she will be there in his life and be part of stories about his day he shares with you and you don’t want it to become a thing where he stops sharing incase it upsets you but I’m sure there is a middle ground here that means that won’t happen.

also I’m really sorry you lost your sister.

Thank you. That's probably the most useful advice I've been given

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 13/10/2024 23:41

Of course you tell him

Enough4me · 13/10/2024 23:45

Tell him just as you first told us. It made sense and I'm sure he would want to know as it was hurtful at the time and still obviously hurtful now. Sorry you are going through this.

Ginkypig · 14/10/2024 10:53

@BlairW im glad I could be of help.

there is a way through this withdrawal it ruining everything and causing you stress and sadness all the time.

I haven’t said it but massive congratulations on your pregnancy and don’t let this cast a shadow on the life you built since the death of your sister.

Original poster
BlairW · 14/10/2024 13:34

Ginkypig · 14/10/2024 10:53

@BlairW im glad I could be of help.

there is a way through this withdrawal it ruining everything and causing you stress and sadness all the time.

I haven’t said it but massive congratulations on your pregnancy and don’t let this cast a shadow on the life you built since the death of your sister.

I hope so. It such a weird situation as I had finally made my peace with the end of the friendship via therapy.... and then to meet someone online (oh and over 100 miles away) who then turns out to be her boss.... it feels like the universe playing a harsh trick!

Also might be worth saying that I still have mutual friends with her.... and they report that she genuinely doesn't think she did anything wrong and would do the same again. Like zero remorse or emotional awareness which I think also doesn't help as she's normally someone who is empathetic.

OP posts:
ofcourseyes · 14/10/2024 13:48

Ah, the inability of the "friend" to acknowledge how much they have hurt you because they would have to own up to being someone they wouldn't like.

I had a situation, nowhere near as traumatic and damaging as you, but it did hurt deeply and can't/won't forgive.

You must explain the detail to your partner and what you need from him, be that not to talk of her, to talk about you to her or expect you to be around her.
Flowers

Sugarplp · 14/10/2024 13:52

Tell him or the Christmas do will be really awkward. It'll change his opinion of her though.

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