It's time for central heating wars

[aurorabora24]

It's the time of the year where dh and I become locked in a battle over when to put the heating on. As yet it hasn't been on.

Our house is old and quite big and it always feels cold. We have an open fire in the main living room which is fine while we're in there but all of the bedrooms including kids rooms are cold at night and in the morning.

Dh doesn't feel the cold like me and doesn't want huge bills which I get but I'm sick of the constant debate over it. Dh pays the lions share of household stuff because he earns considerably more than me but we do go halves on gas and electric so I don't see why he gets the final say on it, I feel like I have to ask permission and argue the toss to feel warm in my own home.

It's not just the heating it's the fact he thinks he gets the final say. It pisses me off. And I don't think it's good for the kids or the house. The bedroom windows are all heavily condensated in the mornings and 'putting a jumper on' doesn't cut it.

I find myself fantasising about when I lived alone in my poky new build that was always warm and cosy and being able to put the heating on whenever I wanted. How can I put this across to him without it ending in loggerheads?

Ours has been on for about a month now already. We all feel the cold and it's miserable. Also have a toddler who is home all day as well

Think of it this way.

Every time you want to put the heating on and he says "No" and causes a row.. imagine hes screaming "Fuck you, you dont matter to me" in your face.

The ask yourself how long should someone put up with being told "Fuck you, you don't matter to me" by someone who supposedly loves them.

A day? A week? A year? 5 years? 10?

Me personally...
If someone shows me I don't matter to them, they'd be in my life about 0 more minutes.

You've said what you want... He's told you, directly to your face,
"Fuck you. Fuck what you want. I don't give a fuck if you're cold. It's MY HEATING. Fuck. You."

If you like it at 20C but he prefers 14C can you meet in the middle at 18C?

Otherwise a good dehumidifier can warm rooms up quite significantly as well as reduce the damp.

Do you each get some discretionary money each month? Can you use some of yours for extra heating? I would rather wear my oodie and save the money but DH grew up in a warm house so he pays the fuel bills.

remind him that women and children feel the cold more than men so he’s outnumbered. Condensation will cause damp and your costs will go up

I'd honestly rather not go out for meals/have expensive holidays and be warm in the winter. I don't heat the whole house during the day as that might be wasteful, but evenings are essential for me (also have a draughty house).
I'd negotiate on that basis next time he wants to book something

Who gave him the authority and the say about whether it goes on or not? You did, in effect, by going along with his preference. Why don't you just put your foot down and put on the heating? You don't have to have an argument about it or a conference. Just do it.

If he doesn't like it he can say so and then you can tell him he's not in charge of you and that you don't intend to live in cold and misery at night or first thing in the morning and neither do you want that for the children. He can like it or lump it. She who pays (half) the piper calls the tune, as much as the other half does!

The bedroom windows are all heavily condensated in the mornings

This is more likely to be because your windows aren't great at retaining heat, than because it is cold inside as such. My brother-in-law put the latest triple-glazing into his house when it was built in 2018-ish, and it's so good at retaining heat that he has had frost on the outside of the window, while it was warm inside. Is there any chance you can move the conversation onto improving the insulation of the house?

Also get a thermometer and try to get agreement over what a reasonable temperature is, so that you can have an objective measure to decide when the heating needs to be turned on.

There's no law about this, but guidance suggests a minimum workplace temperature of 16C and the National Education Union advocates for a minimum temperature of 18C for classrooms.

We once had a thermostat which was pretty inaccurate. If we had it set to 18C it would actually turn on when the temperature went below 20C, but neither of us were wankers about forcing the other to be cold, so this was just a curiosity, rather than a source of argument. But my point is just that I wouldn't trust the thermostat.

There’s no way I’d be with someone who felt he had the last say in when I put the heating on. If I’m cold the heating goes on, my DH never feels the cold and while he’s wandering around in shorts I’m in full PJ’s. We live in a very old house, we need to keep it heated and often our log burners are on from September. Life is far too short to live like that unless you can’t afford to heat your home.

It’s like I never understand the race to the bottom on here and who can hang off the longest before putting the heating on even although people can afford it.

Edited to add just switch it on, you don’t need his permission.

A, the onion… and B, the average winter temp in Duluth, MN is -15C 🤣

GHow cold is it where the OP is now?

Your husband sounds mean, tightfisted and controlling. I can't imagine tolerating a situation where I lived with someone who forbid me (an adult woman) to put the heating on when I was cold. It's fucking insane.

Would you agree to have cold showers/baths if ordered to do so?

When I was a child and lived at home we didn't have any heating and it was always freezing cold. I remember promising myself when I grew up I would live in a house which was warm.
My partner doesn't feel the cold and doesn't care if I am cold. Our house is always cold and we argue over putting on the heating because basically he is too mean to put it on (I pay half of all the bills).
I feel your pain OP and after reading some of the posts on here I am going to be more assertive about putting the heating on.

Just put it on , you don't need to ask his permission. You're both adults.

This is reaching!
They want seperate temperatures that is all or DH could say the same to OP.

No meed to be aggressive about it.

Our heating is manually put on if we all have jumpers/housecoats on and someone still feels still feel cold.

Once it's on its temperature controlled to around 17.5 / 18.

Basically we don't turn "turning the heating on" into a conversation we just do it but the temperature control setting rarely gets changed. If we're still chilly with heating on its a case of getting a blanket or hot water bottle.

Also as a cost saving technique we all make sure to keep unused unheated. So bedrooms/spare room doors closed and radiators off during the day. I usually go and open the bedroom doors after tea and put the radiators on low IF I feel the room is really chilly, sometimes just opening the door and letting the heat in is enough. The back of our house where the kitchen and mud room are is really poorly insulated and has very old single glazed windows and doors so radiators are always off in these rooms, doors shut over and thermal curtains covering the doors. Kitchen heats up well enough when cooking etc. We make sure all heating turned off when last person goes to bed.

So far, and I'm in Scotland, we have had the heating on maybe a few hours each day for the past two weeks. DH would have it off completely given his way but we have to find a balance between me wanting a cosy house and him watching our outgoings (rightly so as our bills with the cost savings we do already are high enough, can't imagine what they'd be if we heated all rooms all day and night like I would automatically like)

I'd suggest you need to communicate your feelings to your DP, a proper sit down chat about his reasonings and your thoughts etc. Find a balance. It's not easy and although it's a "small" thing in the grand scheme of things it can build up and lead to bigger arguments.

Just put it on?

Is there a reason you cant do this?

As the warmer party in our home i do find it difficult when the house feels too warm. I understand that is me though and since having a child Ive had to compromise and keep the house warmer than i would like.

My issue was always that i cant make myself cooler but partner can always wear more clothes if feels too cold. i wouldn't expect partner to ask permission to pop the heating on though. I just realise it by how sweaty and lightheaded i suddenly feel 🤣.

Please discuss with your DH and let him know what a big issue it is for you.

Just tell him you and the kids aren't living in a cold house. If he's too hot tell him to go and move into a shed or something.

You pay half the bill, you get a say, he doesn't get the final say. Stand your ground.

I bought tiny cheap thermometers to stop the arguments and show DH that when he said he found the room "like an old people's home" to show him the actual temperature, it was barely 21C.

I still have to stop him having the windows open all the time when it's barely double figures outside- and then needing the heating on more to warm the place up!

I live alone so this isn't an issue I face. I am definitely very warm bloodied! Currently it is 15.2 and I am sat in front of a fan on low. I only heat the flat when needed or if someone is visiting (because I know they would feel cold). I'd rather wrap myself in a blanket than put the heating on. I only tend to use the heating to stop mould forming and to assist in drying clothes (although I have a heated airer now).

A compromise needs to be reached as one person needs doesn't trump the others. Can you meet in the middle and just have it warmish and wear layers?