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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend or just polite

24 replies

Flute56 · 13/10/2024 18:11

Someone i know i want to be friends with but i dont think they want the same. They are polite when i interact with them but more friendly to others. Not sure if its the age gap as im 20 years older or if im doing something wrong. Im very polite and try to be friendly

OP posts:
ahemfem · 13/10/2024 18:12

Can you not just accept the relationship as it is?

Original poster
Flute56 · 13/10/2024 18:13

I guess so

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 13/10/2024 18:13

Give it time. Be friendly but not needy and a friendship might develop.

Original poster
Flute56 · 13/10/2024 18:44

I can be a bit needy and thats due to a bit of lonlieness and i think it puts people off. I like to have a lot of people around me especially as i live alone so i need to draw back a bit

OP posts:
Moujojojo · 13/10/2024 18:46

I'm not sure I would see someone 20 years older as friend material tbh but would be friendly as an acquaintance.

My mum is 20 years older than me and I don't think we would get along socially if she weren't my mum.

Original poster
Flute56 · 13/10/2024 19:34

Moujojojo · 13/10/2024 18:46

I'm not sure I would see someone 20 years older as friend material tbh but would be friendly as an acquaintance.

My mum is 20 years older than me and I don't think we would get along socially if she weren't my mum.

If you get on with someone and have things in common then does it matter about their age? I get on really well with someone 20 years older than me and we have met up for coffee.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 13/10/2024 19:35

I think the ages matter. 80 and 60 sure. 40 and 20 maybe not.

Original poster
Flute56 · 13/10/2024 19:51

60 and 40 could work because most 40 year olds aŕe in a steady job with a mortgage and mature enough to have a 60 year old friend

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 13/10/2024 19:57

There’s nothing in any of your posts to indicate why you want this person to be friends with you except I like to have a lot of people around me especially as i live alone.

That’s not a reason to cultivate a friendship, and if the two of you don’t have a lot in common or anything that would otherwise bring you together socially, you can’t force it. What sort of context do you know them in? Are the people they’re more friendly with also your friends, and are there opportunities for more natural interaction as a group?

RowdyTiel · 13/10/2024 20:00

It sounds like they don't want to be closer friends with you.

Leave them alone. You can't force a friendship if the other person isn't interested.

Moujojojo · 13/10/2024 20:05

Flute56 · 13/10/2024 19:51

60 and 40 could work because most 40 year olds aŕe in a steady job with a mortgage and mature enough to have a 60 year old friend

If she wanted to be tour friend she already would be.

You can't force a one sided friendship.

And I am 40 and wouldn't be friends with a 60 year old, I don't think we would have much in common.

Gagaandgag · 13/10/2024 20:10

I’m 40 and one of my best friends is 72! She’s amazing

HerefordHeifer · 13/10/2024 20:11

And I am 40 and wouldn't be friends with a 60 year old, I don't think we would have much in common.

I’m in my 40s and have friends in their 60s. Admittedly they’re all people I’ve met through a couple of hobby groups so there’s naturally something in common.

Original poster
Flute56 · 13/10/2024 20:13

Nothing wrong with expanding your social circle but you have to do it with the right people not with the wrong people because then it becomes a total waste of energy as I have found out

OP posts:
Original poster
Flute56 · 13/10/2024 20:17

Why does my closest friends is 10 years younger than me but I have another friend who is 13 years older than me and we seem to have drifted along different parts but we do still keep in touch

OP posts:
Gagaandgag · 13/10/2024 20:22

I think just keep it friendly and see where it goes. Try not to appear needy.

Is there a particular reason you are really drawn to being their friend?

Acsa · 13/10/2024 20:22

I guess it depends on things you have in common. I have a friend in her late-40s who extremely quickly developed a very close friendship with a woman in her mid-20s. I would never say to her, but it seems odd. They are constantly tagging each other in FB posts about how they're more family like not friends, and arranging sleepovers at each other's houses (both have partners and kids who are not involved in the sleepovers). I think that situation is a bit strange with that sort of age gap, especially if you go from strangers to that level of intensity in a matter of months.

Runskiyoga · 13/10/2024 20:44

The chemistry has to work on both sides. People I warm to often don't reciprocate, while others do. If you know you are likely putting people off with neediness, then it's worth addressing that behaviour.

Original poster
Flute56 · 13/10/2024 20:57

Yes ive set myself a timeline for how much communication i give

OP posts:
ObieJoyful · 13/10/2024 21:00

Moujojojo · 13/10/2024 18:46

I'm not sure I would see someone 20 years older as friend material tbh but would be friendly as an acquaintance.

My mum is 20 years older than me and I don't think we would get along socially if she weren't my mum.

There’s 33 years difference between me and the friend I spend most time with!

Original poster
Flute56 · 13/10/2024 22:40

RowdyTiel · 13/10/2024 20:00

It sounds like they don't want to be closer friends with you.

Leave them alone. You can't force a friendship if the other person isn't interested.

True and the reason i wanted to pursue this was that they seemed nice and friendly and i want to expand my social network but in hindsight it wouldnt have worked

OP posts:
AmeliaEarache · 13/10/2024 22:45

I have friends 35 years older than me and friends 25 years younger. You don’t need to be similar ages to get on, find things funny together, or enjoy each other’s points of view. So I don’t think it is necessarily the age gap.

I think it’s the neediness, OP. It can be very off putting when you feel an intensity from someone you only know slightly. Dial it down a bit, maybe?

NewName24 · 13/10/2024 23:16

Flute56 · 13/10/2024 20:57

Yes ive set myself a timeline for how much communication i give

This all seems a bit awkward and formal, and isn't how friendships evolve.

It isn't usual to set targets for your social life.
It isn't usual to hone in on someone you think you would like to be your friend.

Friendships evolve from 'connections'. Very often from circumstances..... the person at work that gets the same bus as you so you spend 50mins together after work each day...... the parent that walks the same way to and from collecting dc from Primary school ....... the colleague you collaborate with ....... the other new student put into the same flat when you start University ....... the person from your sports team who also has the time to go for a drink after training ....... the other 'smoker' at work who you keep bumping into in the smoking shelter ....... the person you sat next to on your first night at choir.

But there then has to be a 'connection'. The same sense of humour is a great connection, but it can be anything.

You seem to be treating it more like shopping .... the woman fits your 'requirements' so you are 'going after' her.

Original poster
Flute56 · 13/10/2024 23:32

NewName24 · 13/10/2024 23:16

This all seems a bit awkward and formal, and isn't how friendships evolve.

It isn't usual to set targets for your social life.
It isn't usual to hone in on someone you think you would like to be your friend.

Friendships evolve from 'connections'. Very often from circumstances..... the person at work that gets the same bus as you so you spend 50mins together after work each day...... the parent that walks the same way to and from collecting dc from Primary school ....... the colleague you collaborate with ....... the other new student put into the same flat when you start University ....... the person from your sports team who also has the time to go for a drink after training ....... the other 'smoker' at work who you keep bumping into in the smoking shelter ....... the person you sat next to on your first night at choir.

But there then has to be a 'connection'. The same sense of humour is a great connection, but it can be anything.

You seem to be treating it more like shopping .... the woman fits your 'requirements' so you are 'going after' her.

Show quote history

I recently got rid of a longstanding friend because I felt that we had lost our connection and we're going in different ways so I can see what you mean

OP posts:
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