Living in refuge/ child contact

[arabellacanella]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice and support here please. I posted a few months back about leaving for a refuge which I am now in. I've been here 4 months now with my daughters.
Due to bail conditions there was no contact between myself and ex partner. However I have dropped the charges as he is a nurse and I didn't want to to harm in career. Since then he has contacted me firstly with nice, calm messages and then with abusive messages. It changes daily. I have facilitated video calls between him and DD and I have also against the advice of the refuge, taken DD to see him face to face once. However, he still.continues to send me abusive messages, accusing me of being a seasoned liar and that I have somehow managed to convince everyone of lies. He calls me sadistic, demonic, fickle, a bad mother and the rest. It's constant put downs. I feel like he uses the communication between us to attack me when ever he feels like it. He has completely painted me as the evil woman to all his friends and family, but we both know what happened in our relationship.
Yesterday I didn't respond to a text he had sent until 8 hours later. He sent me a mass of text messages about where I've been, how I am playing games, using the DD against him. Tbh all his messages are very controlling and angry that I didn't respond sooner. He won't go to court, but it isn't working to be amicable with eachother as he affects my mental health with all the pretending nothing ever happened and how I am deluded and making things up.

I have booked an appointment with a mediator for tomorrow but I just don't know what to do anymore with him. I'm sick of blocking and unblocking. I just want him to have a peaceful relationship with his DD, make plans of when to call and when to meet, contribute to her financially but it's all impossible. Thank you for reading.

Glad to hear that you’re in a refuge. Surely you can ask the refuge staff for their support and advice.

You mention bail conditions, that your ex is not to contact you, that usually also means indirect contact I.e. text, phone calls etc.

Mediation is not recommended, when there has been domestic abuse.

If you take this to court, he doesn't get to decide whether he'll go or not. Don't worry about his career - if he damages his career it will be because of his behaviour, not yours. And he doesn't sounds like a suitable person to be caring for vulnerable people.

Record / save / screenshot everything, and talk to a lawyer.

Not sure what the bail conditions are but neither of you should be breaching them or agreeing to anything that breaches them. TBH it sounds like you should never have dropped the charges, he obviously doesn’t care about his career enough to stop behaving like a bastard so why should you?

You should also be following the rules of the hostel, they are there for a reason.

Tell him you’ll report him to the police for harassment if he carries on and you’ll not be dropping the charges this time. Is the mediation to sort access? I’d not be letting my DD anywhere near him without a court order TBH- and I’d want any contact supervised and done through a third party- sounds like it’d be a disaster if he found you, you’d have to leave the hostel. Plus he’s obviously looking at access as a chance to continue his abuse of you.

Basically get tough.

Why do you want your child to have a relationship with an abuser, and why do you care about his career? Going against the advice of the refuge is not only putting you and your daughter at risk, but also the other women and children in the refuge and the staff.

You need to access therapy ASAP as you are still being abused and essentially coming out of safety to see him and contact him when you literally do not need to legally or morally. If he really wants to see his daughter he can go through the legal channels while you rebuild your life with no contact.

How old are your daughters? You’ve demonstrated that you’re trying to safeguard them, by going into a refuge.

Perpetrators of domestic abuse are at their most dangerous when their victims have dared to leave them…as they’ve lost their power/control over you. He will try and abuse you via your daughters, thus any contact with them has to be court ordered or on professionals advice, as the children’s welfare is paramount.

You are seriously risking the safety of your child, the other residents of the refuge, and the refuge staff. I’d be very surprised if the refuge don’t find you alternative accommodation if you have had contact with your abuser.

Ask the refuge workers for advice and follow their advice to the letter, they will be a lot more knowledgeable than mumsnet.

But, in your position I would:

-Get a new phone and give the number to everyone who you trust not to share it with him. He (and his family etc) keeps using the old one.

-Text him once to ask him to only communicate with you about the children, and ask him to use a respectful tone. Check the phone once a week on the same day each week and respond to any respectful messages about the kids. Report abusive messages to the police.

Text him once to offer him phone calls with the kids on a set regular day each week. Use the old phone and ask a refuge worker to supervise the calls so that he can’t use them to abuse you.

Ask the refuge to help you with a restraining order. Make sure you have plenty of evidence of his abuse saved somewhere incase you need it for court.

If your partner is a nurse he cannot behave like this without affecting his registration. He could lose his livelihood. He has a lot to lose. Why would you want to protect him. Keep screenshots of all his abuse and make sure you tell your social worker and the police etc.

OP you're obviously not thinking clearly because you're being very reckless. You have to listen to what the professionals are telling you. The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic abuse is when they're leaving and the first year afterwards.

This is because the abuser has lost control and doesn't have anything to lose. He's very capable of hurting you and your child.

An abusive relationship can be very addictive but what you're feeling is called trauma bonding, not love. Most mothers do everything in their power to keep abusive men away from their children yet you want to arrange contact through a mediator.

I don't know why you dropped the charges but you're making it difficult to protect your daughter because you'll wake up and realise he's dangerous but the courts may give him access.

Don't arrange access between him and your daughter. Continue the case against him and stop meeting him. I can't emphasise enough how vulnerable you are at this time.

You need to block and delete his number. Block him on all social media and give yourself a shake OP. I don't want to read about you in the paper.