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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mother’s silent treatment

24 replies

Savingthehedgehogs · 13/10/2024 16:42

I am hoping someone else has been through this, or knows about these kinds of situations, and can advise.

After a childhood of abuse I cut my father off around 5 years ago to protect my own children.

My mother and I have continued to have some contact. The only problem being that she never calls me, doesn’t visit and shows zero interest in any of us. I visit twice or three times a year, and always have to call/instigate everything. She texts and that is it, and often just repetitive about the weather etc.

Two months ago I asked my mother if she could start making an effort even just a phone call every now and then. I have been talking to my therapist and had realised the situation was hurting me.

My mother agreed and then didn’t call. I said at the time I don’t know how she can promise me things with no intention of following through, and how does she manage to live with a man that abused us as much my father did when we were children, that it makes me so upset.

Since then she has totally stopped talking to me, effectively cut me off. I’m devastated I mean so little/nothing to her. She is able to do this without a care in the world. I could never ever do this to my children, so I don’t know how she can do this to me.

This is not the first time, she has cut me off for ten months before, and other times for a few months. It’s always for little or no reason.

Does anyone else have a mother that is capable of doing things like this?

I used to think she was a caring person, at least in comparison to my father but this just bewilders me.

The pain and sense of abandonment is so intense. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
username3678 · 13/10/2024 16:49

I'm sorry OP💐

In my opinion, mothers who stand by while their children are abused are often abusive themselves.

She's punishing you for criticising her and is trying to close you down because she doesn't want to face the truth.

She's obviously incapable of being the mother you crave so instead of banging your head against a wall, I suggest you grieve the mother you never had. That means giving up hope she'll change, because it's unlikely she will.

I'm glad to hear you're having therapy and suggest you work with your therapist to process those feelings.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 13/10/2024 16:51

Sounds tough. Does she agree he was abusive?

TentEntWenTyfOur · 13/10/2024 16:54

It's not just your father who's abusive, is it?

I'm so sorry, but I don't think you are ever going to be able to have the loving mother you deserve. She isn't capable of it, and the more you try, the more rejection you will feel.

Perhaps it is time to face facts and try to let go. Flowers

Savingthehedgehogs · 13/10/2024 16:56

username3678 · 13/10/2024 16:49

I'm sorry OP💐

In my opinion, mothers who stand by while their children are abused are often abusive themselves.

She's punishing you for criticising her and is trying to close you down because she doesn't want to face the truth.

She's obviously incapable of being the mother you crave so instead of banging your head against a wall, I suggest you grieve the mother you never had. That means giving up hope she'll change, because it's unlikely she will.

I'm glad to hear you're having therapy and suggest you work with your therapist to process those feelings.

It’s very hard to totally give up on your own mother. I have always loved her so much 😞

OP posts:
Savingthehedgehogs · 13/10/2024 16:57

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 13/10/2024 16:51

Sounds tough. Does she agree he was abusive?

Yes we had some very honest conversations. She accepts what he did.

OP posts:
Karmakamelion · 13/10/2024 16:57

I'm so sorry. You deserved and still deserve better. When we have an abusive parent we have such a low bar for the other parent for many reasons. But you deserve better than both of these people xx

AngelicInnocent · 13/10/2024 16:59

It's horrible when you realise that your mother is not a pleasant or good person.
I was lucky enough to have a wonderful father though who she acted well in front of.

Focus on your DC and being the best mother to them that you can be. Let your parents look after themselves. You owe them nothing, now or as they get older.

Savingthehedgehogs · 13/10/2024 17:03

I keep thinking someone will post with an experience of this, and it had a better outcome or maybe a way to make things better. It’s almost like unless I am prepared to stay quiet she won’t speak to me. It feels like she is silencing me. Whenever I try and talk about it she closes it all down.

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 13/10/2024 17:03

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. You can take control but you might need help. I’d try person centred therapy with someone who is experienced in working with people from toxic families. The energy you’re losing while feeling upset and in pain can be turned round to something positive. Read the threads on here, ‘We took you to stately homes’. You deserve to be happy and free of people who hurt you.

Savingthehedgehogs · 13/10/2024 17:08

I think it’s disbelief. Mothers surely can’t cut off their own children time and time again. That in itself is abusive ( there was no reason for it)

I love my dc, they no longer have any gps at all. That makes me sad as well for them. As my ILs passed away a few years ago.

How do you accept this and move on? It’s kind of unthinkable to accept I’ll never see her again possibly, and yet that is what is happening.

OP posts:
Cantalever · 13/10/2024 17:15

OP I wish I could give you a hug, this is so painful for you. She won't or can't change, so somehow you will need the strength to accept that she is not the mother you want or need. Find a way to let it go. Sometimes going NC as a survival strategy is the best option. You could take this step yourself rather than either hoping for something unattainable and continuing to feel let down, or even more rejected by her because of her lack of contact. Take control yourself - it will make you feel stronger and less up and down emotionally. You will also be so much freer without the toxic stuff.💐

SensibleSigma · 13/10/2024 17:18

As a child your survival depends on your parents. You had an abusive parent who couldn’t be depended on to keep you safe so you depended even more intensely on your mother.

Unfortunately she isn’t like you and me. She wasn’t able to put her children’s welfare before everything else. She didn’t organise her life around your well-being.

You are trying to keep the mum you loved and depended on. As an adult, can you see she never was that person?

I’m sorry, it’s ok to grieve.

Savingthehedgehogs · 13/10/2024 17:21

Cantalever · 13/10/2024 17:15

OP I wish I could give you a hug, this is so painful for you. She won't or can't change, so somehow you will need the strength to accept that she is not the mother you want or need. Find a way to let it go. Sometimes going NC as a survival strategy is the best option. You could take this step yourself rather than either hoping for something unattainable and continuing to feel let down, or even more rejected by her because of her lack of contact. Take control yourself - it will make you feel stronger and less up and down emotionally. You will also be so much freer without the toxic stuff.💐

I think this would help, but I couldn’t do this, I just don’t really have it in me. I used to live in hope for a message or something from her, now I don’t hope every day. It’s turned into this feeling of hopelessness. It’s never going to be fixed feeling.

It feels too late to be saved, as she just keeps doing it. It’s awful to think she is the kind of person that can inflict yet more pain on her own child after everything that has happened, and it appears this is exactly what she is happy to do.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 13/10/2024 17:28

Savingthehedgehogs · 13/10/2024 17:21

I think this would help, but I couldn’t do this, I just don’t really have it in me. I used to live in hope for a message or something from her, now I don’t hope every day. It’s turned into this feeling of hopelessness. It’s never going to be fixed feeling.

It feels too late to be saved, as she just keeps doing it. It’s awful to think she is the kind of person that can inflict yet more pain on her own child after everything that has happened, and it appears this is exactly what she is happy to do.

Edited

You sound so sad OP. Can't you get angry instead? You haven't done anything wrong. She didn't protect you from your father's abuse and she is now abusing you in a different way. She doesn't deserve to have you in her life.

MzHz · 13/10/2024 17:31

Kindly, I voted YABU

of course you would not be unreasonable to think that a good, caring person would want to be connected with you, care about you, considerate of you… but that’s not your mother

YABU to expect her to be any different than she has ever been.

she never put you first or protected you, why would she start now?

you say you have a therapist, use them to work through how you will stop letting the shitty parenting you had define you or your self worth.

the best thing you can do is to slam the door on the pair of them and live your best life for you and for your kids.

i say this as someone whose mother let her down immensely and deliberately hurt me and my child to further hurt me. Im NC with her and have been for years.

life is better.

i did actually see her last year for the first time in like 10 years, i was nervous about how it’d feel seeing her, but it seems while i was prewarned about her attendance, nobody mentioned it to her and she was utterly blindsided

she’d lost any power over me/us and I felt totally in control and powerful. I was nice, as you’d be to anyone you just meet at a function. When we left I didn’t care a jot about any of it, no regrets about NC and I’m at peace with my decision.

Grabyourpassportandmyhand · 13/10/2024 17:31

Your pain comes through so strongly.

I wonder if it would ease the pain if you took back the control by making the decision to protect yourself from your mother just as you made the decision to protect your children from your father.

This means that you go non contact with her. Make the decision that you will not speak to her again. Don’t mention her name out loud again. It will be painful, you will go through the stages of grief, and it will take time, possibly years and years, before that pain lessens, but when it does, at least you won’t have to go through it again and again. It will kill both the self questioning and the hopefulness and hopelessness.

MzHz · 13/10/2024 17:34

Cutting my mother off WAS the most painful thing I’ve ever done btw, I remember all too well how raw I was at the start but you HAVE to protect yourself and your dc, sometimes we have to do what needs to be done and process the feelings in our own time.

taking back control will really help you. The sooner you do this, the sooner you’ll get past it.

Savingthehedgehogs · 13/10/2024 17:46

SensibleSigma · 13/10/2024 17:18

As a child your survival depends on your parents. You had an abusive parent who couldn’t be depended on to keep you safe so you depended even more intensely on your mother.

Unfortunately she isn’t like you and me. She wasn’t able to put her children’s welfare before everything else. She didn’t organise her life around your well-being.

You are trying to keep the mum you loved and depended on. As an adult, can you see she never was that person?

I’m sorry, it’s ok to grieve.

You know I can see she is not the same mother I loved and adored, because her neglect of me as a child has become crystal clear throughout my therapy.

I can see she was never that person I remember deep down, whatever she did for me was serving her in some way. The mother I thought I had doesn’t exist in the way I remember, so I am not sure why I am finding this so difficult. On an intellectual level I can see that but a large part of me refuses to believe I could be this unlucky to have two parents like this, that she will come good in the end…

OP posts:
Savingthehedgehogs · 13/10/2024 17:56

MzHz · 13/10/2024 17:31

Kindly, I voted YABU

of course you would not be unreasonable to think that a good, caring person would want to be connected with you, care about you, considerate of you… but that’s not your mother

YABU to expect her to be any different than she has ever been.

she never put you first or protected you, why would she start now?

you say you have a therapist, use them to work through how you will stop letting the shitty parenting you had define you or your self worth.

the best thing you can do is to slam the door on the pair of them and live your best life for you and for your kids.

i say this as someone whose mother let her down immensely and deliberately hurt me and my child to further hurt me. Im NC with her and have been for years.

life is better.

i did actually see her last year for the first time in like 10 years, i was nervous about how it’d feel seeing her, but it seems while i was prewarned about her attendance, nobody mentioned it to her and she was utterly blindsided

she’d lost any power over me/us and I felt totally in control and powerful. I was nice, as you’d be to anyone you just meet at a function. When we left I didn’t care a jot about any of it, no regrets about NC and I’m at peace with my decision.

I am so sorry you had this experience as well, and what an achievement to feel the peace you do.

OP posts:
Savingthehedgehogs · 13/10/2024 18:07

Grabyourpassportandmyhand · 13/10/2024 17:31

Your pain comes through so strongly.

I wonder if it would ease the pain if you took back the control by making the decision to protect yourself from your mother just as you made the decision to protect your children from your father.

This means that you go non contact with her. Make the decision that you will not speak to her again. Don’t mention her name out loud again. It will be painful, you will go through the stages of grief, and it will take time, possibly years and years, before that pain lessens, but when it does, at least you won’t have to go through it again and again. It will kill both the self questioning and the hopefulness and hopelessness.

I considered this, but can’t bring myself to delete her contact. It feels too final. Once I deleted her I wouldn’t ever be able to contact her again. I may never see her again, ever again. So she always wins, because I love her genuinely and can’t bring myself to do what she does to me.

By taking control I will lose all hope of things ever getting better: I have been holding out my entire life with some misplaced hope this will resolve one day that it will be okay, but it’s never happened, that day has and may never come.

OP posts:
Grabyourpassportandmyhand · 13/10/2024 18:47

Once I deleted her I wouldn’t ever be able to contact her again

Di you have a sibling?

SensibleSigma · 13/10/2024 20:45

Generally we only have the one mother. In accepting she was useless, indeed worse, you would be accepting that you never had - and never will have- the mum you deserved.

I get round that by parenting myself. I nurture myself, give myself TLC, tell myself to get some sleep, it’s ok to cry etc. I literally talk to myself. To the little girl who wasn’t looked after.

Pumpkinpie1 · 12/01/2025 13:21

You OP are amazing. You are kind very caring and 100 times a better mum than yours ever was . Despite of her and your Father poor treatment you are teaching your children what a loving mother really means.

Be proud of how far you have come from your own abusive childhood. Look forward not backwards x x x and be proud. Some people would have buckled but not you OP , you love your kids too much to ever repeat your parents mistakes x x

marie201 · 12/01/2025 13:44

I wish I had some meaningful advise for you but I don't.

My childhood was traumatic I guess. I think, now as an adult, me and my brother would have been in care if people realised actually just how bad it was.

My mother suffered from depression all of my life and just opted out of parenting most of the time once I was old enough to cook, do the laundry and look after my brother - I was 7 the time I clearly remember being beaten for playing out and not making my brothers tea first (it was still light outside so can't have been late and my brother was around 18 months at the time).

Most of my life has been around my mother and how she is and her mental health.

When I was pregnant with DD2 she refused to speak to me for 6 months as i had ruined HER life as how would SHE cope with 3 grandchildren. I had a further 2 children (we have 5 in total) and she was like that with them all.

In April 2022 my brother passed away - no health conditions etc so a complete surprise. He'd been at work, came home and died in his sleep age 31. He'd moved around 5 to 6 hours drive away. During the time we spent down there She refused to speak to me, despite me being the one that had drove her there, and would only answer my step Dad. The 3 times she did speak to me she told me it should have been me that died and not my brother and she had nothing to live for as my and my children weren't important to her and, do you know what, because she'd always been like this with me what she said didn't surprise me nor hurt me as it should. It only really became obvious, to me, that what she'd said was appalling when I told my Dad and his side of the family and their reaction to it.

My mother decided 12 months ago that she didn't want any contact with me or my children as her grief from my brother passing was too much and we were hindering her recovery.

The saddest part of it all is I just want a mum. I want a Mum that loves me and so I forgive my mother for all of the stuff she's said and done in the hope she'll magically become the Mum I want despite knowing that will never happen.

I spend more time 'grieving' the Mum I never had than I do my brother.

I messaged my Mother last month in the hope 54 weeks would have been enough time to work on her grief for her to respond just saying how hard life is for her without my brother and not once mentioning me or the kids.

I know I'll never have contact with my mother again as she suffers with anxiety and won't contact me and I can't keep, basically, flogging a dead horse and being upset by her lack of interest. It makes me incredibly sad.

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