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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I overreacting to partner and phone

16 replies

PiIsAReallyLongNumber · 13/10/2024 14:05

So this is an AIBU/am I overreacting?

Let me set the scene.

Partner has always been shifty with his phone, for example, angling it away from me when sending/reading messages and quickly putting it away in his pocket if I come across him using it etc.

In the early days he lied about deleting all of his WhatsApp messages from his ex, claiming that she must have deleted them all her end. I pointed out to him that I'm not an idiot and I know how deleting messages work. He then said it was for me because she has written some unpleasant things about me and he was considering my feelings...

So last night he went for a shower and left his phone on the bed unlocked and open on messenger and I saw his contact at the top (so most recent)was a woman that I'd never heard of so I looked (I know it's an invasion of privacy etc but 🤷) and saw that he had arranged to meet her last week but cancelled last minute claiming he had covid. I asked him who she was and he said she was an old work colleague and she asked him if there were any jobs going where he works now and she suggested going for a drink to talk about it. Funnily enough, if anyone else asks him this, he tells them to look on indeed where his workplace posts vacancies. Honestly, I don't think she's an old workmate, I think he met her on a meeting site or some such thing. He definitely had form for this before we met. He also has form for lying and will happily die that hill if he's caught out being less than honest.

I realise that he didn't meet her, but that doesn't change the fact that he had arranged to in the first place. I'm furious and basically done with this relationship at this point, but I'm now wondering if I'm overreacting. I can't get past the fact that he made plans to meet up with another woman.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 13/10/2024 14:08

Relationships really shouldn’t be this hard. Surely you don’t think this is the best you can do in life? Being single is infinitely preferable to being with somebody who lies to you and thinks you’re stupid enough to believe those lies. And bluntly, why would he change, when you’ve essentially spent years suggesting that you believe the lies by staying with him and letting him keep on doing it?

PiIsAReallyLongNumber · 13/10/2024 14:17

I agree. I've asked him multiple times to leave but he refuses and at that point what can I do? Then things continue to plod along again until the next thing.

OP posts:
ToriMJ · 13/10/2024 14:24

Just leave him. He's going to be doing this forever.

ToriMJ · 13/10/2024 14:25

If he refuses to leave you get legal advice.

ToriMJ · 13/10/2024 14:25

PiIsAReallyLongNumber · 13/10/2024 14:17

I agree. I've asked him multiple times to leave but he refuses and at that point what can I do? Then things continue to plod along again until the next thing.

This teaches him that whatever he does you'll never follow through and he can do whatever he likes.

HawkersSouth · 13/10/2024 14:28

I read at least 1+ post a day where one partner looks through their partners phone/msg. They always seems so blasé about it, like you here with your but and 🤷‍♀️. That would be a huge issue for me. Personally, if you need to look at your partners phone I don't think there much of a relationship to begin with/save.

BabyCloud · 13/10/2024 14:29

Of course you aren’t overreacting. He’s trying to cheat.

wheretoyougonow · 13/10/2024 14:29

'Partner has always been shifty with his phone'.

I think you could have stopped at that sentence to be honest. This is not what a 'healthy' relationship looks like. Trust your instincts. It wouldn't occur to me to hide my phone from nearly anyone but I've got nothing incriminating on mine.

maddening · 13/10/2024 14:32

Who owns the house?

MounjaroUser · 13/10/2024 14:35

Hang on, you've asked this knobhead to leave? So it's your house? That's no surprise.

When he's at work tomorrow get the locks changed, pack his things, ask a friend to come round and put his things on your doorstep.

Fannyfiggs · 13/10/2024 14:35

If it's your home, grab him by the scruff of the neck (or waistband of the trousers) and yeet him right out the door. Throw his stuff right out behind him. If he tries to get back in call 999.

He's a slimy, slithering parasite. Get rid asap and keep rid.

whatatodoaboutnothing · 13/10/2024 14:42

Call in sick tomorrow
Get the locks changed and bag up all his belongings and leave them outside for him to collect when he finishes work

TipsyJoker · 13/10/2024 14:44

If it’s your house he has no right to stay if you tell him to leave. If he won’t go, call the police and have him removed. What he’s doing is abusive. He’s messaging other women, lying, gaslighting you and refusing to leave your home when he’s no longer welcome. You’re right to be furious. Kick his wretched backside out and change the locks. Block him everywhere and go no contact. He’s a liar. He won’t change. You deserve better.

Lottemarine · 13/10/2024 14:47

I would end it, it sounds like he’s lying. Even if it was an old colleague would he not think to mention it to you.

Nope I wouldn’t bother giving him the time of day.

Notimeforaname · 13/10/2024 14:49

I've asked him multiple times to leave but he refuses and at that point what can I do? Then things continue to plod along again until the next thing.

You leave him. Or if its your home, give him some notice to leave and if he doesn't, you pack his things and put them out when he's out somewhere. Done.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2024 15:10

@PiIsAReallyLongNumber

If it's your house or your sole tenancy, he has no choice but to leave. If he refuses, you contact the police about assistance in getting him out. If it's a joint tenancy or joint house he doesn't have to leave if he doesn't want to. In that case if it were me, I'd leave.

Which is it? Or is it that you're afraid of him for some reason? If so, contact WA for advice.

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