Silent Treatment - Day 2

[PineapplePrincess]

Okay, I know I’ll get a shower of LTB but that’s not what I need at the moment. I’m really looking for a handhold, as I’m quietly going mad here and have (literally) no one to talk to.

DH is not speaking to me. We’re into day two. He’s spent less than 5mins in a room with me, no eye contact, leaves the room as soon as I enter. If I try to speak he just blanks me. We’re going on holiday tomorrow, and this obviously doesn’t bode well.

Background: Thursday evening over dinner he was making deep sighs at the dinner table. When I ask what was wrong, he indicated DS10 on his iPad (with headphones on) which has been a running battle for a while - but due to inconsistency in messaging is still a problem.

I said to him, to ‘tell him to come off then’ and he replied ‘he doesn’t listen’. I moved DS headphones aside and asked him to come off, he got annoyed and pointed out he was almost finished his dinner - to which I replied, ‘it doesn’t matter’. DH then interjected that ‘it was fine and let him be’. I let it go, frustrated again at the inconsistency and feeling slightly undermined.

Friday evening, I come down for dinner and DS is back on iPad. I said to DH ‘are you going to let him watch it?’ To which he did tell him to get off. DS of course goes in a bad mood. DH turns to me and yells that ‘I should do my own dirty work, look at the atmosphere I’ve created’. I respond I did last night and he went against me. But this doesn’t land, and everything is my fault.

He hasn’t spoke to me since.

Does he often give you the silent treatment? It is a form of abuse and control. Sorry OP, and over absolutely nothing too - a parenting issue that simply needs discussion.

DH then interjected that ‘it was fine and let him be’. I let it go, frustrated again at the inconsistency and feeling slightly undermined.

He wanted something done and got you to do it, then blamed you for the result, which he knew would happen. The undermining you are feeling is not slight.

You're not going mad. It feels like you are, I know. I've been there and couldn't articulate why I felt the way I did but I honestly thought I was going out of my mind. Now that I have the headspace and clarity to see his behaviour for what it was, and what a headfuck it is designed to be, I see it is all just a part of the abuse - the making you feel lower and him feel higher.

I'm not going to tell you to LTB but I am going to point out that his behaviour is abusive. You do need to come to terms with recognising that in his behaviour and acknowledging that that's what he is doing. That is not easy 💐

Then you need to start putting yourself above it, ignoring him (look up grey rock), most importantly keeping yourself safe (you might think you know him inside and out but don't be surprised if he escalates because he's not getting what he wants) and starting to grow into yourself again 💐

Keep talking, it takes time and a lot of working through.

This is a miserable way to live. Not fair on you or your son. He does need consistency around the iPad/headphones, a united approach from both of you. But it seems like that's not really what your husband is after, he just needed a stick to beat you with and probably your son as well. He sounds exhausting.

I voted YABU because this behaviour is abusive to you and damaging towards your DS, who deserves to know where he stands AND ALSO is growing up seeing that what you do to women is undermine them and ignore what they say to you. (If DS is ever given the silent treatment it’s abusive towards him too.)

It’s hard to leave, I get that (although it would be my advice) but is there scope for couples counselling?

@AlertCat never ever ever should an abuser attend therapy or counselling with their victim.
I was made to grow up in a hellish house like this, walking on eggshells, pandering to a man, seething with rage at how my mother chose to continue to be treated. I have mental illnesses as a result and no relationship with my mother or her current husband.
You can file for divorce without needing to speak to the man. Look forward to a peaceful, happy life.

Interesting that he should start this shit when you're just about to go on holiday.
Does he often ruin special occasions picking fights over nothing and making it all about him?

Is he anxious about going on hols eg the flight, the accommodation when you get there … and this turns into getting angry because he is suppressing the anxiety.

Why do som people make excuses for abusive men ??

I'm sorry OP. We can't soothe a situation that is so troubling. Your H is abusing you. Anything we say is a sticking plaster on an acute burns victim. You need A&E (to get out of this relationship), not a band aid. Xxx

I forgot about this bit. Yes, that's another classic of their behaviours. Making sure you remember occasions, for the wrong reasons.

I second what @ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps (my ideal meal 😁) said, do not go for joint counselling with him. It will only result in you being worse off and him scoring more of his pathetic points. Counselling for yourself @PineapplePrincess , yes, but not with him.

Bullying by silence is abuse. It is designed to make you question and doubt yourself. Someone at work used to do it to me. The atmosphere was awful and that’s what the bully wants x

Good point. Sorry I should’ve remembered that.

Silent treatment is a form of bullying. Can you pull out if the holiday? I wouldn’t try to engage with him any further, when he decides to speak yo you again, calmly tell him that his behaviour is not what you want in a partner, is a form of bullying and is leading you to rethink the relationship.

A separate issue, tell your DS that going forward no iPad or earphones at the table during meal-times. End of. If he persists, the consequence is instant removal of iPad for a week.