To be concerned that strangulation is being seen as a valid part of intimacy

[DissidentDaughter]

Violent porn is affecting the way boys and men view women and girls - disturbing objectification and dangerous fantasy that is far removed from reality.

Besides giving boys/men the wrong message, what a frightening prospect for young women considering any sexual encounter or relationship, with the expectation that this is a normal part of intimacy that they should enjoy.

AIBU - nothing to see here, move on
YANBU - young women are being dangerously objectified, violence has no place in intimacy or relationships

https://www.thetimes.com/uk/scotland/article/boys-think-strangling-women-is-sexy-charities-warn-h05xdr8gh

I have managed a 35 year relationship that continues to be sexually fulfilling, without featuring strangulation, hitting, hair pulling, spanking, or anal. I understand that a few people love that stuff but it's not for me and I would be horrified if my sons were assuming that every girl enjoys wants and seeks that sort of rough sex.

I’ve name changed for this. But I don’t think it’s just men who can be blamed personally. I am a massive book worm and some of the things I have read in these books is imo worse than porn, there have been many books I have had to put down due to the context. You see it all over TikTok, most recently with that Wade Wilson trial, the amount of women sexualising him when the crimes he committed are sickening. So I think it is unreasonable to blame solely porn and men.

Again reason for my name change is that I admittedly do enjoy from time to time having sex like this however, it has always been a conversation with whoever it is with that it is to not go beyond a certain point such as safe words ect.

@EinsteinsFineWine Quite. And obviously it’s up to people what they do behind closed doors.

Praps I’m boringly vanilla or whatever it’s called, but the fumbling and finding-your-way (so to speak) of yesteryear seems more human. I do worry though, not just about the expectation placed on young women, but also how the extreme, violent porn messes with boys/young men’s minds.

I am a massive book worm and some of the things I have read in these books is imo worse than porn, there have been many books I have had to put down due to the context.

Actually agree with this bit.

@MandyUC thanks for commenting.

Am not judging the ‘safe word’ stuff - it’s all about consent etc. Not familiar with the TikTok stuff or the books as I’m into history/science stuff 😬

YANBU but be prepared for the usual 'actually the sub has all the power' dimwits to turn up as they usually do.

You are absolutely right and those of us who work with young people see this seeping through in boys and girls behaviour.

Worryingly, it is also the age at which young people have access to porn now and the fact that nearly all boys watch it before they have had sex so link violence to feelings of arousal and pleasure. This distorts the pathways in their brain and results in them feeling less aroused during vanilla sex (I have been told - not sure of exactly how that works scientifically).

Also it is linked to a general feeling of misogyny in general culture such a PDiddy, rap and song lyrics, portrayal of women in pop videos, girls and womens fashion. There was an interesting article in the guardian a few weeks ago about how gender equality is actually going backwards globally.

@GotoutoftheUKphew Indeed.

Readily accessible on youngsters’ mobiles/devices - explicit images showing boys “this is how to do it” and spooking girls that “this degradation/violation is what to expect”…

I feel for our young people 😢

I'm not sure why everyone always jumps to porn/men as the key reason all this stuff happens.

People forget that 50 Shades of Grey (written by a woman) is actually the best-selling book on Britian since records began, selling 5.3 million copies.

Chances are, men weren't buying it. So out of 65ish million people, so 30 million women, probably 20 million 'of age', that means 1/4 women have read it. Then factor in 'lending to friends', I'd imagine it's closer to 1/2!

People forget that 50 Shades of Grey (written by a woman) is actually the best-selling book on Britian since records began, selling 5.3 million copies.

I didn't read that book - but did notice afterwards a lot or romance and YA and even other genre stuff started having what I'd consider non main stream sex in it -it is dying back a bit though romance and YA often also have "romantic" stuff that frankly is just abusive - main stream films often do as well. It was an effect wider than that one book/series/films.

I still think porn and a porn soaked culture is the biggest problem but I think there are less obvious media messaging that is concerning.

But even as 50SoG was a phenomenon, written/read by women (and that’s fine, obvs) there’s been a tide of stuff before and continuing after. It’s so pervasive; I’d even go so far as to say intrusive when it comes to young people’s mental and emotional health.

Graphic sexual violence content hijacking a child/young person’s pathway to adulthood, at the expense of understanding about communication, respect, consent, love, relationships.

Young people are being short changed. And - call me old-fashioned - I do think that boys/men care about the ‘real deal’ - love, tenderness and intimacy.