Dh not bonding with our baby

[giantsandwich]

We have 3 other children and he's a great dad but he's just told me he doesn't feel anything for our newborn son.
He seems to have convinced himself our baby boy doesn't like him and thinks when he looks at him he says he looks away or looks for me.

He was so excited in the run up to his birth and has been fantastic with our others, it was in fact him who wanted one more but now says it's not how he remembered it with the others and he just feels nothing.
He is good with him, changes him, feeds him, gets up with him but admits he's just going through the motions this time but does love him.

Do I just give it time? Could he have pp depression? He hasn't gone back to work yet so this is his bonding time.

When you say 'the baby doesn't look like him'...there's not some tiny part of him that thinks the baby isn't actually his?

No he's the absolute spit of him I meant to say he doesn't look AT him.

I think it's harder for men to bond because they weren't experiencing kicks etc. I think my DH only started to bond or think lf my dd as anything other than a list of things to do about 9 months.

I think the bit you read was that he's convinced himself our baby doesn't like him.

I do agree, this is our 4th and he felt completely different with the others.

To be honest, I've felt like this with both of my own children. I never felt the rush of love towards them when they were born and it took some time for me to feel a strong connection - I think I need to see their personality before I bond properly as tbh a baby is cute but doesn't really do much or give much back. I think just give it time and it will come for him

Honestly every baby is different, some do just seem to want mum, my daughter is 6 months old now and when she was tiny she would only really settle for me which was hard for my husband. It can be hard for dad’s to form a “bond” with a newborn sometimes I think, because we carry the babies we spend 9 months feeling that bond grow before they are even here and once they are that bond only grows more with skin to skin/breastfeeding/fourth trimester meaning baby does just want and need mum. I think my husband would have said the same in the early days but our baby is 6 months old now and he has the most amazing bond with her now they can play together, smile and laugh etc!

In terms of brain chemistry children and dads get an oxytocin hit when they play which is why dads come into their own when children get older. Dad's don't get that hit when doing nurturing activities (doesn't mean they shouldn't do them) whereas women do but don't get the same hit during play. It's why children run to mum for a hug but dad to play, that oxytocin hit is specific to the sexes it's an evolutionary thing and lots of research has been done into it.

So he needs to play as best he can which is tricky with a very newborn but things like playing peek a boo etc, singing songs, bouncing him on his shoulders maybe.

Sorry to sound rude @giantsandwich but did he actually want - and plan - this child...? It's odd for a man who planned and wanted a baby/a child to not want it and not bond with it. Or at least TRY to.

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Good grief it’s right there in the op.

She clearly said "it was in fact him who wanted one more" so yes he wanted the baby.

Four kids is a lot of work. Maybe he liked the idea of another, or someone at work was having another one for example and he got caught up in the sentiment. But now the reality is here he's a bit disillusioned. He's older than he was when the others were born and perhaps it's just dawned on him that you're committed to yet more years of child rearing, instead of things easing up.