Having a baby- older mum and split family

[Freya82]

I am torn at the moment, so just wanted to hear some thoughts from others in similar situations.

I am not in any place right now to start trying for a baby. Fairly new relationship and just started a new job, but at the same time it’s planning on my mind and time is ticking.

I have two girls from a previous relationship (age 7 and 6) and if that relationship worked out we would have probably had a third, but things didn’t work out that way.

Anyway, my new partner does not have children and I did discuss with him if he wanted any when we first started dating because I wasn’t sure and if he was 100% wanting them, then I needed to be clear where my head is at.

Fast forward some time, the more he has got to build a realationship with my kids, the more it’s making me broody. I think also, even though he has said he’s happy either way, he does secretly want one deep down…. I know if I said I 100% didn’t want one, he wouldn’t walk away from our relationship, but I do think he would be upset and it would take some time to accept that’s not going to happen.

I am torn, I have become really broody lately. I know I don’t really need to start thinking about it right now, but I am a planner….(which I am trying not to be and just live in the moment more). Part of me really woould love an another baby and I don’t think i’m done and would love to have one with him. I think he would be an amazing father and he’s been amazing with my girls. However, my kids are with their dad half the time and at the moment we get some lovely precious time together. Even though life is chaotic, life works really well at the moment and my girls are happy. Financially, we are okay at the moment. We don’t live together get, but we will be looking to buy a house together….

I am just worried if we went down that path, it would be really hard work and ruin our relationship. I found the early days really hard (sleepness nights), we wouldn’t get that time to ourselves anymore, financially it would be stretched a bit, and the logistics would be challenging…..

However, I can’t shift that feeling and stop imagining and at the same time i’m worried, I might regret not having one later on.

So torn. I know, I should not be thinking about it right now, but he is 40 and I am 36, so really if it’s going to happen, we need to start thinking about it soon……..

I think if you’re not even living together yet then it’s far too soon to think about a baby together. There are lots of habits and issues that you don’t find out about until you live with someone 24/7, like them not pulling their weight with housework, not doing any cooking or food shopping, disagreements about household finances, and it’s easy to be fantastic with kids when you see them for a few hours a day a few days a week- it’s very different when you’re with them full time. My husband & I were aunties/uncles years ago and loved spending time with them, days out, seeing them on weekends etc we were great with them but that didn’t translate to us being ready to be parents ourselves as we were still very selfish and loved spontaneous nights/meals out, long lie ins, watching TV in peace at night, having our bed just the two of us!

I think put a pin in it for now. If the relationship is right for you both then things will continue to progress, maybe you’ll move in together and all will be perfect and then you can think about a baby.

I would say though depending on how “new” this relationship is I’d be really thinking carefully about moving in together.

I met a man when I was 41. He had no dc. I did. We had a dc. Didn't ruin anything.. We have an amazing family now. Been together 12 years. Married 9. He is one adored little boy.

Do it when the time is right.
Relationship is more established, financially stable. Etc etc

Take your time. Even in 2/3 years, you're not even 40, you can have another. And don't worry too much about him - men don't have a ticking clock. Gordon Ramsay is 57 and his wife had just had a baby!

I’d want to have been living together successfully for a couple of years at least before adding a baby to the mix. You have no idea what he’s like to be around full time, his approach to chores, what his bad days are like when you’re around to see them etc.

And you need to have an actual conversation about whether he does want a child rather than some vague “I think deep down he does want a child and he’d be a great dad” feeling: he may be being completely honest that he isn’t really that fussed and wouldn’t be the one driving it, and as a result wouldn’t necessarily be pulsed to pull his weight for the baby you wanted to have.

You're all right. I guess i’m just fretting, because I if we do decide to have a baby. I would like it (preferably) before I al 40 and I feel like it’s such a big decision to make in a short amount of time.