AIBU to go low contact with MIL

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve posted on here before regarding issues I’ve had with my MIL since having a baby: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5020477-to-confront-family-tension-due-to-how-i-feed-my-baby

Thanks to some great advice I implemented I received on here, things did improve. I was able to be direct and firm about things and she did back off and started being a lot more pleasant to me. Lately though, it’s took another down turn and I’m just fed up.

(sorry, it’s a bit of a long rant)

My DC became very unwell, to the point we went to hospital with a 39 degree fever that couldn’t be brought down. DH text his DM to let her know and she made a joke about it. She then preceded to pester him for days for him to drive DC to her so she could go on a walk with him. Not once did she ask how DC was. She ignored all the updates about how DC was doing, then got in a mood with DH for saying he’s not going to drag DC around for a walk in the rain after being so unwell.

MIL complains that I’m stopping her seeing DC. She’s always requesting us to go to her at the weekend, which DH doesn’t want to do after driving all week for work. It’s DH who’s saying no, not me, but I’m being blamed for ‘controlling her son’ DH has offered for her to come down during the week, but she said she’s not going to change her social plans to accommodate us.

Prior to Friday, we’d not seen her in a month because she’s refusing week days rather than weekends or point blank refusing to travel to us. (We wouldn’t mind travelling to her, but it’s EVERY time!) DH has been putting his foot down lately, which is great, but he’s clearly not correcting her that it’s him doing it, not me. So she has a big family do at her house, with everyone in attendance. The moment we walk in, she does her usual attempt to snatch DC out of my arms. This then leads to my baby screaming as she’s digging her fingers in trying to pull DC away from me, without saying a word to me. I’ve told her not to do this, as DC likes to acclimatise to a new environment first before being passed around. I’m more than happy tor people to hold my baby, but I know my DC needs time to settle first. Eventually she gives up then fires at me “well it’s because you’re STILL breastfeeding isn’t it. Makes babies overly clingy”

DC is now unsettled and doesn’t want to go to any of DH’s family. Most are understanding and don’t try and grab, but I can hear MIL making digs about me. After a while, I try bringing DC back to MIL again once all is calm. DC is happy to engage with her as long as I’m there. She asks to hold DC and I was fine with that, but mentioned DC’s not 100% so as long as I’m in eyesight, everything’s fine. She looks me dead in the eye and goes “I’m taking MY grandchild to sit with me and my sister now” and storms off. DC immediately starts screaming the house down. I just take DC straight back. She then starts saying to her family how DC doesn’t know her because I never let them see my baby and make no attempts to arrange. That it’s so sad that DC doesn’t know her side of the family and that’s why there are tears because she’s usually so amazing with babies and they all love her.

I’ve ignored all of this as it’s literally me and her whole family. I know she brings on the crocodile tears if you ever try and call her out.

There were a few more failed holding attempts as by this point DC doesn’t feel comfortable at all with her. DH even intervened at a few points, which he rarely does, just keeps his head down and pretends he’s not aware what’s going on. This then prompts MIL to tell him as we’re leaving that if he’s not happy at home, he can always come back with DC and live with her. DH just started laughing and we left.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you! Would I be unreasonable now to go low contact? By that I mean I’m going to stop sending her daily photos, trying to make plans with her, arranging FaceTimes etc. I’m not going to block her from seeing DC, but I’m not going to go out of my way to facilitate it.

Or would it be worth just directly confronting her and having it all out, no more sly and bitchy comments or her saying things to family behind my back.

To reiterate, I’m not going to block her from seeing my DC. I just don’t want to have to deal with her nonsense anymore. I’ve had a year of this

Op your mother in law sounds like an absolute nightmare!!! I would go low contact as much as possible. Your little one is more important than her parading him around like a new toy!!

take yourself out of the firing range. Keep pleasantries with occasional photos but no longer try talking to her about you visit.. we visit thing. Support your husband to manage her (ie. Being straight with her and consistent between you). Don’t do it for him. Then you will be able to take a deep breath and enjoy your family without constant noise.

I suggest you Google 'covert narcissist traits' and see if any of her other behaviours match.

''Covert narcissists often behave in passive-aggressive ways. They disregard others while exaggerating their own importance. They also blame, shame, and ignore the feelings and needs of other people.''

Absolutely zero point confronting her, it will just give her ammunition to complain about you to the rest of his family.

Completly drop the rope, block her on your phone, any communication through DH and any plans if and only if it suits me you both.

My empathy @Chunkychips23 my mil ruined the first year of my baby’s life until I snapped when she ruined her first Christmas and first birthday and completely cut her out of my life. Bliss didn’t realise quite how miserable she was making me, anxiously awaiting the next nasty interaction until she was gone.

This is similar to what my DH said when we left “I feel like she sometimes sees DC as a show pony” He has said this to her before, when she left a passive aggressive comment on my Facebook saying how disappointed she was that there weren’t any pictures of DC wearing some clothes that her sister bought - DC was 0.4 centile at birth and couldn’t fit in that size yet, which she knew.

I had a similar situation if DH didn't answer I was controlling him. She didn't realise I was actually putting in a lot of effort. But equally I think to her that probably seemed like butting in. Since I've stepped back ie no more organising anything, minimal polite conversation, it's easier.

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through it too.

How did cutting contact go? Did it cause more issues initially?

Stop all effort and contact.
You tried your best but this is who she is.
Do not travel to her house again.
Tell your husband he can bring the baby for a visit when the baby is happy to go with him alone once a month.
Put her completely out of your mind.
She is spoiling this time for you.
Drop the rope completely.

A good line in the sand is to ask yourself if you would put up with this behaviour from someone who was not 'related' to you.
Regardless of whether they are blood relations, in-laws or anyone else. If they do not enhance your life, exclude them.

Yes, take a massive step back and stop doing all she wants from you. That comment about your DH going home was fucking nasty!! I'd tell your DH to give you and your DC more support, but don't make it an argument, just a helpful conversation, as she's hoping you'll split up I'm sure!

Go low contact with all in laws

Stop making any sort of contact. If dh wants her to have pics he can send them. Mil never had my mobile number.. Made for a better marriage and better mh.....

I’m the 2nd wife - she claimed to adore me up until I had a baby. I’m still confused at the massive personality transplant and hostility towards me. I’ve never blocked her from seeing DC. It literally all started from me choosing to breastfeed when she told me not to. It’s like I’ve suddenly become the enemy. I’d love to know from her perspective what she thinks it is I’ve done that’s so evil

Nothing. You've done nothing wrong, so don't under any circumstances internalise her baggage as yours. It's a 'her' issue.

The deterioriation in relations you describe is not uncommon when a baby arrives on the scene. There has now been a shift from her as matriarch to you as matriarch, and she is resistant to this. If you've been around on MN for a while and have read threads involving any variation on this theme, you'll see the angst some women display when other women make different lifestyle decisions from their own. It's as though this is a personal affront and an implicit negative assessment of their own decisions. Hence the constant desire, from some members, to have their personal decisions validated by complete strangers on the www.

Hence SAHM = lazy and economically inactive vs. WOHM 'farming' out their children. Attachment parenting vs. sleep training. Baby-led weaning vs spoon feeding. And a particularly volatile blue-touchpaper is breast vs. formula feeding. Everyone seems to think they have a say on this; whereas, given the decision involves your own body, is no one's business but yours.

As PPs have suggested, the only answer to this dilemma is to take a decisive step back. Allow your DH to facilitate the relationship between DC and his mother. There doesn't have to be a big row or a grand, histrionic scene. Simply stop communicating with her; gradually if need be.

She may calm down once the new routine and the presence of your DC has become long established. Or she may not. Either way you have a right to protect your own mental wellbeing and equilibrium. Establish strong boundaries and a healthy distance, whether this takes the form of LC, VLC or NC if it comes to that extreme.

You only get this time with your children once. Don't let her erode yours any further 💐

This is so beautifully put, thank you

I would have gone no contact long before now! You must have the patience of a saint! Who the hell does she think she is telling you how to feed your child?! When she made the comment about "I'm taking MY grandchild.." you should have took him back and sain NO you are not taking MY baby anywhere without me! Ask her why she is so concerned about your breasts and how you feed your baby?

I agree with the previous posters but just one little thing is that I'd tell your DH that from now on, you're not having any communication with her and you're blocking her on your phone. If she wants to be involved in your lives going forwards, she arranges it through your DH. He tells her when he can/can't make visits and he also makes it clear that it is his decision whether to attend or not because of the way his mother has treated his wife. He doesn't want to pick between them but if push came to shove, I'd say he'd pick you over his mother.

In the meantime, you can simply block her on all of your social media and on your phone.