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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be doubting the future

12 replies

Longstoryshortt · 13/10/2024 09:23

Been with DP 5.5 years but friends prior to getting together for years. I have told him multiple times I want to get married soon but there is always an excuse. Most of them are money related but I'm not looking for a fancy wedding just a commitment to the future. The latest comment has really p*ssed me off but unsure if I'm being unreasonable. My sister has been known to avoid paying me back now and then (not major sums we are talking under £100 usually but with the latest about £300 for a trip) and I was complaining about it to him.. we live together but we don't share finances and I never comment on how he spends his money. He said that this is the kind of thing that makes him doubt wanting to get married and I should stop speaking to her. He says it financially impact him as the less money I have, the less I have to pay for stuff.. AIBU thinking this is a bit manipulative to twist it into a reason for not getting married?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 13/10/2024 09:25

Sounds like an excuse and the beginnings of making you jump through hoops to become the Person He Is Prepared To Marry - a zero-sum game you'd be better advised not to engage with.

Clotheshanger · 13/10/2024 09:29

FetchezLaVache · 13/10/2024 09:25

Sounds like an excuse and the beginnings of making you jump through hoops to become the Person He Is Prepared To Marry - a zero-sum game you'd be better advised not to engage with.

Yes. OP, you want to get married, he clearly doesn’t. I wouldn’t waste any more time on this relationship. And stop lending your sister money if this is a pattern of behaviour.

So of course is you saying you want to get married and your partner refusing to consider it. In both cases you appear to put up with it. Why?

Happyinarcon · 13/10/2024 09:33

That’s sounds suspiciously like he’s trying to cut you off from friends and family. That’s a huge red flag

AlertCat · 13/10/2024 09:36

Agreed, you are obviously close with your sister and he wants you to cut her off? Massive 🚩

He doesn’t want to get married and he isn’t being honest with you about why. If it’s not idealogical (fair) then it suggests to me that he doesn’t want to marry YOU. He doesn’t see the future of the relationship the way you do.

Beezknees · 13/10/2024 09:38

The bottom line, and the harsh truth, is that he doesn't want to marry you.

Either you can come to terms with that, or ditch him.

Original poster
Longstoryshortt · 13/10/2024 09:44

Yes I do feel I'm being made to jump through hoops to be a better partner and any change in the relationship I want is conditional on my behaviour in return

OP posts:
joeysparkle · 13/10/2024 09:45

There is language for this behaviour, he is future faking and trying to isolate you from your family.
Educate yourself yourself about Narcissism and be kind to yourself. I highly recommend book 'it's not you' by Dr Ramani (which is available as an audio book) & 'The covert Narcissist Podcast'
I wonder how different you are as a person from before you met him ...have less friends now? Do less fun & good stuff for yourself?
Be kind to yourself. Keep talking & questioning and best of luck to you x

Gladicalled · 13/10/2024 09:54

He obviously doesn’t want to get married.

He is telling you that. Not directly. But he is showing you he doesn’t want to get married.

Trying to get you to stop speaking to your sister is a red flag. But also we don’t know the detail of what issues your sister is causing or type of person she is. Sounds like she is taking the piss a lot. Is there a reason he still would t be keen on her if she wasn’t borrowing money?

I would say though, I wouldn’t marry someone who kept lending money out that they struggled to get back. Especially, if it was impacting me.

Facts are you want to get married. He doesn’t want to get married. You shouldn’t be with him because you want different things.

But do you want to be married or do you actually want to marry him?

Also, if he feels he doesn’t want to marry you for any reason (wether we think it’s stupid or not) then he should be honest and really shouldn’t be in a relationship with you if he disagrees on something as important as money management.

MatildaTheCat · 13/10/2024 09:57

Hopefully that response makes you doubt whether you want to marry a man who wouldn’t want to offer emotional and financial support to his wife. What about the risks of you being made redundant/ unwell/ low pay on maternity leave?

Original poster
Longstoryshortt · 13/10/2024 10:55

Gladicalled · 13/10/2024 09:54

He obviously doesn’t want to get married.

He is telling you that. Not directly. But he is showing you he doesn’t want to get married.

Trying to get you to stop speaking to your sister is a red flag. But also we don’t know the detail of what issues your sister is causing or type of person she is. Sounds like she is taking the piss a lot. Is there a reason he still would t be keen on her if she wasn’t borrowing money?

I would say though, I wouldn’t marry someone who kept lending money out that they struggled to get back. Especially, if it was impacting me.

Facts are you want to get married. He doesn’t want to get married. You shouldn’t be with him because you want different things.

But do you want to be married or do you actually want to marry him?

Also, if he feels he doesn’t want to marry you for any reason (wether we think it’s stupid or not) then he should be honest and really shouldn’t be in a relationship with you if he disagrees on something as important as money management.

Good point and I do have issues with my sister because of it. But it's never stopped me being able to pay for anything so I can't understand the direct impact on him and it just felt a bit manipulative. It's not the first time he has told me to cut someone out of my life either which is probably why it is feeling like a red flag. I don't know I thought I did want to marry him but a few things like this have happened and the entire slacking on commitment is making me doubt it.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 13/10/2024 21:51

It's not the first time he has told me to cut someone out of my life either...

Assuming this wasn't someone really abusive, run for the hills!!

Guavafish1 · 13/10/2024 21:55

Actions - if he wanted to marry you in the last 5.5 years…he would have. Too many strange excuses….

The question is .. what will you do?

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