To focus on settling and family than a career?

[5599katherine]

I'm currently working in education in Asia and have been offered a promotion to headteacher at my school, which I enjoy. This is normal in Asia, as International Schools usually hire within. The job is good, my colleagues are friendly, and I love the children. I know I can succeed in this role, earning a decent salary that would allow me to save and live comfortably.

However, I'm feeling exhausted from being an expat. I miss my family in the UK and long to be home. I spend a significant amount on flights to visit during my holidays, and it often feels like a waste of my time in Asia. As I approach my 30s, I'm also eager to settle down and start a family.

My partner is hesitant about moving back to the UK. He says he would consider it if it were a deal breaker for me, but he wouldn’t be happy teaching in the UK and would struggle financially. I don’t want him to be unhappy.

I have one month to decide about the promotion, which would require me to commit to an additional three years in Asia—a prospect I’m not keen on. I've also applied for a master’s in social work in the UK, which offers another path and career I am passionate about in the UK. I am currently the DSL at my school, so I feel that social work could be a potential pathway I would like to do.

I’m tempted to end my contract early and return home, but I worry this would damage my reputation and references. My mind is overwhelmed with all these choices. Should I stick it out or make the move?

It sounds like if you come back your partner may not come too, or if he does you'll end up breaking up. So you'll be back here but not actually settling down with a family. It sounds like you really want to be home though so maybe that comes first. Any hesitancy on your references could be explained reasonably at an interview. If you stay you're doing a job you don't want in a place you don't like.

Education in the UK is haemorrhaging people as the salary and conditions are bad.

From what I hear social work is also not in a good state although there are areas that are under pressure and areas that are not so bad.

Your partner doesn't want to work in education in the U.K. and this is a reasonable position.

I understand you miss the U.K. and there's an emotional component there. In reality it's not a good place now to work and raise children and many of the people I know if they can emigrate they are, and if they can't they are just trying to keep afloat.

Is there a middle option where you take the promotion and aim to see family in the U.K. as much as possible in the holidays?

My situation is slightly different as we’re settled in the uk and financially sound.

I’ve just turned down a huge promotion but as I currently earn a decent amount in a very flexible role, when I weighed it up being able to take my daughter to school everyday and be around each evening for her meant more than a 20k pay rise so I fully support your option to not take the promotion.

Family has to come first sometimes and other opportunities will come up.

My biggest area for you to consider is work life balance you’ll have in the uk. If husband is a teacher then it’s long hard days in the uk and teachers are burning out fast.

I have discussed with him the option of moving to Europe, as getting home would be easier and cheaper. However, the salary is often low and we may struggle. Its not home really.
My grandparents and parents are getting older and I feel that I am missing time I could spend with them before that is an option anymore.

I had a period of time in Asia working and always felt that it was sensible to put a time frame on working out there before coming “home” and getting on with life here otherwise you end up - as you’re now finding - getting sort of “stuck” there and it being harder and harder to get back (more years there; ex pat lifestyle is harder to leave; more money etc)

Currently have family in Asia that went there for 2 years and now 7 years ok haven’t managed to make it back despite not really wanting to be there long term.

Anyway - I’d say it sounds as though you want to come back and better to do it now at your age than in another 3 years when I’ll be harder to migrate back in!

I don’t see teaching or SW as great careers in the UK. Both are low paid and short staffed, plus add in the way you are treated by some of the kids/families these days.
Either way, you should do what YOU want. You know you want kids and to move home, so don’t let anyone else stop that.
And be careful about having babies abroad as you might struggle to get them back if your partner doesn’t want to move.

Agree, but I think if returning t. The Uk and having a family here is your preference you should, if you ave kids in Asia it will be bloody hard to get them back to the UK if your partner decides he doesn’t ever want to return.

that said you probably can have a far better quality of life where you are than here.

Does your partner want to stay where you are permanently? If not, for how much longer?

Is the relationship good?

A masters degree could be v expensive, eg the fees and opportunity cost of not working. there are huge problems in UK social care (and indeed education).

It doesn't sound like your dp will ever want to move to the UK. If you have your heart set on raising children in your home country then I think you might be leaving more than just your job. And if you are to be ruthless about it, the soonest that is done the more quickly you can make your steps towards that.

And be careful about having babies abroad as you might struggle to get them back if your partner doesn’t want to move.

And this, a thousand times. So many women get trapped abroad l, unable to return to their native country with their children.

If he doesn't want to go now then when? We have friends who travelled a lot and are now having children in their very late 30s, having been together since the beginning of university. Having children later has not gone as smoothly as they anticipated (e.g. planning to have two in quick succession). I wouldn't be holding out for another three years as I'd imagine you'll need time to sort out moving and settling somewhere before TTC.

If you want children soon though, I'm also not sure I'd be retraining. Is qualifying for mat pay important to you? I know there's lots of doom and gloom about teaching in England (less so other parts of the UK) but my teaching role is absolutely fine. Being a SW seems to involve such a similar set of problems to teaching I'm not sure it's a logical switch.

Teaching to social work is just kicking the can down the road.

You sound confused - wanting to return to the UK and have a family, but also wanting to start a masters at the same time. it sounds like you would benefit from some reflection on what is truly important to you as well as an idea whether not returning to the UK is a dealbreaker for your relationship.

Doesn't sound like you want to be headteacher regardless.

International schools in Switzerland don't have low salaries OP. And if you landed a job in Geneva or Basel you could have the option of living in France or Germany?

My job involves working closely with social workers. In England you could start this career as late as your 50s (it was suggested to me when I was 52 that I should do the qualification you mention & become a SW). You could work as a Head in Asia for 3 years & save money, along with DH. Then come home & start a family. DH doesn't have to work as a teacher in UK, you might decide he be the SAHP. If not, when DC is/are older, go into social work. I find it helps to have a plan - even if things don't always go to plan.

I think you need a long-term plan to get you back to Europe /UK. I honestly think you sound like an impressive teacher that you've been offered the head teacher role. Could you get the three years under your belt was saving hard for a deposit with a plan to start your family back in the UK at the end of the three years? It might keep your options open for future roles.
I know home sickness is awful, I live in. the UK as its close to my home country. Keep doing your trips home so you have something to look forward to.
You have good options really, it sounds like jusy a case of getting ducks in a row and as others said, raising a family in the UK can be expensive and stressful, be careful not to romanticise it too much.

This is great advice.

Clear as day. Your gut is telling you you want to return home and follow your passions here so I would come home personally but both of you have to be happy in a relationship though otherwise resentments can appear. I wouldn't stick it out for 3 years if your hearts not in it.

I'd take the promotion. Coming back with a head teacher on your CV will give you many, many more opportunities.

If you wanted to stay in teaching, you could walk into a senior role at a private school for instance where you might get a grace and favour accommodation.

You can easily have a baby where you are should you want to. The affordability of childcare there would make doing the job or a masters part time worth it.

I'd also take the promotion. Having a family once you are established in a career and have more money is significantly easier. You can afford childcare more easily and so on.
But in your post there are various factors at play beyond the career now vs family now.
You seem unhappy at being so far away from family, you seem uncertain about career options and your DP doesn't think he'll earn much in UK. So if you move back, switch career into social work, have a kid. You could end up finding yourself on a relatively low paid salary trying to support yourself and DP. It may place huge stress on the relationship (moving country, changing career, having baby) and this may cause additional strains. I think you need to sit down with DP first and work out the long term plan .. does he ever want to move to UK really? Explore social work more fully and make sure it is something you want to do as it's not an easy career choice. Etc

Thank you all for your advice, it is greatly appreciated. I think I am slightly panicked about teaching in the UK and maybe going the route of social work and studying would help me to settle. I am worried because my partner is 10 years older than me, and needs to pick up the pace in terms of settling if we decide to have children. Raising children in Asia is not my dream and I will be so unhappy without my family.

I'm not sure if the above posters work in education, but experience abroad isn't always as well perceived as you might expect. Given the choice, schools often choose the candidate with recent experience of the current curriculum. If the OP teaches a secondary shortage subject she'll be okay but if she's primary she might find it takes longer to find a well-paying role.

The UK is not one thing, there is a huge variety in schools and experiences. The head of a tiny Scottish primary on an Island will be a very different experience to a posh prep school which is different again to an overcrowded inner city school.

I have 3 teachers in my close family and all have found a place they enjoy their jobs after a bit of switching about (one rural high school in Devon, one teaching English as a second language, one primary in Scotland). The last switched recently, leaving his corporate job after having kids and loves it. I also have a friend who went back to uni and now teaches education to trainee teachers.

There are bad experiences, but you have the space and experience to choose one that will work for you.