I don’t feel close to my first born

[anonymousssq]

I just read a thread where the mum said she feels so much more bonded with her first than second and it got me thinking about my situation. Could I please use this as a safe space where I can anonymously speak about this?

I have a 9 year old daughter and 5 year old son. I feel so much closer to my son than I do with my daughter, I consciously show my daughter affection so she doesn’t see the difference and I don’t think she feels anything as we do more for her in a sense such as everything is centred around her e.g. her clubs, interest etc. my son has everything second hand whereas she had brand new. Even the majority of boys clothes my sister gave me as her son outgrow them so quickly.

It was difficult if I’m being honest when she was born, even the conception part was tough! I couldn’t get pregnant and went through multiple rounds of IVF privately. NHS waiting list was too long. We finally had her and during my pregnancy my MIL who was already overbearing became even more. She did so much to me that I can’t even process how I got through it e.g she refused to leave delivery room and yanked my daughter off me when nurse put her on my chest, the midwife finally intervened and told her to leave. I was completely out of it so only remember bits n pieces. MIL never left me alone, she would visit us in the morning, afternoon and then evening and straight away no hello or anything she would yank DD OFF ME! even mid feeds. My milk dried up with all the stress and I had to bottle feed in the end. I could never do skin to skin bonding time as was worried MIL would walk in ( she used her spare key everytime). It was awful.

DD was 5 days old and I remember MIL was urging us to change the name we chosen to the name of MIL choosing. I remember crying and FIL shouting and DH sitting there crying asking why I’m being stubborn and just go with their choice!

I put up with so much crap and I wrote about it too on here and got lots of advice.

When my son was born I was a little tougher and had wised up more and refused to even allow MIL in if I was feeding and told her she needs to come once a day preferably when her son was home from work.

I feel so much closer to my son and I know it’s because of the Inlaws and I’m trying to change it but it really hurts I allowed them to damage my early memories.

sorru this ended up much longer than I wanted!

Aw poor you (can't believe you stayed with your wet Lettuce husband let alone had another child with him by the way)
I would have some counselling and spend some real quality time with your daughter doing things together just you and her to bridge the gap your in laws created. Get merlin passes, we have fantastic one on one days out with our kids using them. PLEASE put in even stronger boundaries with your in laws, they sound mental.

Jeeze. What a b arse your husband is. And I would quite possibly banished the MIL
But I understand when you're feeling like that and without back up it doesn't seem possible
All you can do is acknowledge your different feelings due to the non-contact after birth and as you say. Be kind
It's not her fault

You might consciously show your daughter affection but trust me, she will notice the difference.

You need to see a counsellor to help you process the awfulness you went through with your in-laws. They will help you to separate this from your relationship with your daughter. They will also help you be more assertive and put strong boundaries in place with your in-laws as well as sort out your manchild husband.

Do it for your daughter.

Agree with Itsmahoneybaloney

"Aw poor you (can't believe you stayed with your wet Lettuce husband let alone had another child with him by the way)
I would have some counselling and spend some real quality time with your daughter doing things together just you and her to bridge the gap your in laws created. Get merlin passes, we have fantastic one on one days out with our kids using them. PLEASE put in even stronger boundaries with your in laws, they sound mental."

Your husband has severely let you down in having no backbone with his own mum.

Please get counselling. It will help and re-address the balance on your family dynamic.

No judgement at all from me.

When my older child was born I was very ill and it took about 10 days for me and baby to get out of hospital. It did initially damage my feelings around the birth and I had a specific counselling session that focuses on the birth.

Please get some help.

You are a great mum.

Xxxxx

Not the point of your post, but your husband is flipping useless

I am sorry you are feeling like this. I am sorry also that people in your life may have contributed to it, and I hope that posters do treat this as a safe space to add their views. For what is worth, I have 5 children, I love them all equally and will give them everything equally, and treat them equally. I have, in my time prioritised one or another over the others, some because they needed it, some because I get on with them better generally, and some because we have more in common. I too, used to worry sometimes that I loved one less than another, and actually my most sorted ones probably got less attention. What I will say is this, the whole thing changes over the years that come as they grow and develop into adults. You may end up finding that you have more closeness to, or at least equal with the one you least expected to. As long as you keep an even keel and treat them all equally, then it really might not be the thing you think it might be. By all means, try and find someone who will help you talk it through, I think other posters have given good advice, but also accept it is quite normal at times. Hope this helps xx