CFs? Family asking endlessly about her benefits

[Supersimkin7]

MN jury, I need your help for my mate. She’s 42, been on disability benefits for a decade after a very unpleasant illness was diagnosed. It doesn’t show, if that makes a difference.

Has family at the very comfy end of middle class, all with private investment income, inherited flats, you name it. Mate gets benefits cos she’s divorced, no kids, and never had any money.

Her relations ask her all the time about her money. All the time. How much exactly she gets on LWCRA, whether her PIP is taxed, whether she might get her benefits taken away cos she is ‘doing so well’, whether she gets ‘everything free’ and how she keeps her bills under control.

Today I went to lunch with her and her aunt. The aunt whipped her out of the kitchen and interrogated her for 20 minutes about the benefit changes and whether she’d ‘be made to get a job’.

I was cringing. Mate said weakly after the humiliating interrogation ‘as family they care’.

It goes without saying that no one in the wealthy, lucky family has ever helped financially even when she’s been on the food bank.

MY AIBU? I’m not so sure they care.

YABU = she should not expect help, she’s not the family’s problem.

YANBU = Ewww. You can’t interrogate someone about their personal money arrangements on grounds that you’re family then bolt and then sashay off. They’re just nosy.

I am not sure what you need help with exactly.

Her family sound unpleasant, I would suggest she doesn’t go out to lunch with them. I wouldn’t go for lunch with her and her aunt yourself-that sounds an odd mix of people-I have never been to lunch with any of my friends with their (or my!) aunt!

Why does she tell them about her business?! Especially her finances? Not a single soul that we know, knows about mine and DH's income, not even our DC.

.

The aunt used to be my history teacher! So we sort of know each other from
way back.

Hearing someone humiliated like that wasn’t pretty.

I presume you know what the aunt is like then so this wasn’t a shock to you. Don’t go again.

You’re so right. I went for moral support. Might teach her 7 ways to say no.

I’ve got a horrible feeling they’re all slightly enjoying the Spanish Inquisition.

Her family sound horribly intrusive. She should have a stock answer ready like "I prefer not to discuss my finances" or "Thank you for your concern but I'm fine for money". If they keep pushing then "As I say, I prefer not to discuss my finances".

I did hear her mumble ‘I’m not going to bore you with my prescription list’ after Aunty demanded to know what neurological meds she was on.

Invasive and rude.

They sound like knobs.
My sister is like that. Asks my mum (not me) when I will be "made to get a job". Seems to take a keen interest in my finances but not actually me. She used to work for the DWP in something to do with PIP too. Would moan about the phone calls and people being desperate.

My advice would be every single time it's brought up to say 'I'm sure you understand, my finances are private, I'd rather not discuss it' it may take a few repeats, but if they don't respect it, then they don't respect her. In that case, I'd probably try to reduce contact if possible.

I don't know how to vote, because I agree with both statements, so YABU and YANBU.

I’m not sure you can get away with interrogating a poor relation on the grounds you’re ‘family’ - then not offer family help.

Rights come with responsibilities, to put it pompously.

People can do what they want, sadly.

The family member doesn’t have to poke up with it though-they can choose to not go to lunch with or meet up with family members that are arses.

I'm really open with family but this would be a bridge (or 10) too far for me. She needs 7 ways to say no, for sure.

1, You want to know, my finances, my EXACT payments John. Well strictly, you could calculate them yourself based on my health info. So telling you my EXACT payment would be akin to giving you my health records. Bit foresic for a lunch visit.
2,How has the budget affected YOU Mary. I'm sure your finances are much more interesting than mine.
3,You want my prescription list. <icy glare> I wouldn't really be comfortable with that.
4.F* off and mind your own business
5.I'm really uncomfortable with your interest in my business. I have not been blessed with good health. I prefer not to talk about it, as I'm sure you understand that's private. I recieve benefits that keep the wolf from the door but in case you are concerned, which I think you are, I am not rich. Thankfully I can live on my benefits and I don't need additional support, but I don't feel the need to justify myself here.
6.Why do you ask?
7.<what was that?> you want to know about my PiP. Go look it up on the website, it's all public information. My exact payments are based on my health information which I don't really discuss in public. How is your health by the way? Are you sleeping ok? Regular bowel movement?
8,<yawn> Are you up to anything interesting these days?

She defo needs a stock phrase.

She should practice it role playing with you so she can practice trotting it out.

Something along the lines of. 'Let's not talk about money, let's talk about something nicer'. Or 'I don't really want to think about my financial situation just now thanks'

Thanks to you both - best advice ever. I’ve screenshotted your posts and sent them to her.

I don’t see why she’s subject to these humiliating ‘interactions’ - bloody bad manners.

Of all the people who should be shutting up about money, it’s that lot of rich buggers.

I don’t like people using ‘family’ as an excuse to harm not heal.

It'll be because they want someone to look down on.

My family are all upper middle class. Think posh houses with land, extremely good jobs & pensions.

Well I drew the short straw and have multiple disabilities meaning I had to stop working self employed very early on.
Then my children both have serious disabilities which meant I even had to pack in my part time job.
None of them ever ask about my money, or benefits. Apart from my mother and that's just to make sure we're not starving to death whilst in debt, (she's helped me with food shops in the early days and helped me do my pip forms which I was sure I'd never get.)
Difference is my family don't look down on others.

Her family sound quite toxic, she needs to stop telling them anything to do with her medicals or money. It's quite frankly none of their business and they have no excuse!

Clutching at straws, but, could it be they are worried that if she inherited from one of these wealthy family members she would her benefits. May be they want to set up a trust for her.

They ask her whether her PIP is taxed? Are they thick in the head or what? Yeah, the government gives me money then I give half of it back to them. 🙄
Bunch of ableist, tight, nasty, ignorant, classist tossers! I bet they'd love to live on about 800 quid a month.

It's nothing to do with them. YANBU.

So relieved I’m not the only one who thinks this is a bit off.

Fsmilies can be funny places.

This. Do you really think it was reasonable?