AIBU to be worried about my social exhaustion?

slippersandfleece · 2024-10-12T16:04:30+00:00

I am finding socialising increasingly exhausting. I'm in my late 40s. On HRT. And citalopram (AD). I feel ok in myself. I Live with neurodiverse family members. Always assumed I was neurotypical but who knows. I have always been averagely social. Happy in my own company but enjoy community/ friendships. But I am increasingly finding socialising so hard. I dread it. Even though I dearly love my friends and feel lonely at times. A simple coffee date feels good at the time, but then I have to come home for a lie down. I have the sensation that my 'soul' is being scattered/ thrown off centre by the interaction and I need to pull myself back together. I keep needing to regroup. I am not particularly spiritual but drawn to meditation to re ground myself, it so weird. I feel bad as I want to stay in touch with people and I care about them. I often feel lonely. But I'm just finding the process of socialising a lot.

unsync · 12/10/2024 17:32

I think that is fairly typical tbh of people who are introverted. It does seem to become deeper as you age. It's easier if you can accept this as your normal.

Do you socialise on your terms though or are you bending over backwards to fit everyone else's plans?

ChinaVase · 12/10/2024 17:41

I feel exactly the same. I am so tired from socialising at work and even spending meaningful time with my husband and children that I am increasingly having to spend the whole weekend in bed. I love to see people and I do make plans but then I feel like I am constantly letting everyone down

next week I have dinner with old friends, a work event , and I have to give two talks. I am honestly dreading it. I don’t know how I will have the energy.

what’s wrong with me? how did I ever manage to go to school?

( I’m mid 40s, not on hrt.)

Cardiganwearer · 12/10/2024 17:46

Are your friends treating you well? If they are not (little digs, oneupmanship, veiled criticism for example), that would certainly make you feel scattered as you describe. Disturbed would be another word for scattered. I used to excuse the little digs, so called friends would make, they didn’t mean anything by it etc. But they did, in my case. That feeling of being thrown off might be your body’s or brain’s way of trying to get your mind to notice that you are not always being treated 100% kindly. Always listen to that feeling, it’s trying to protect you.

Or I might be wrong, it might be just that you are becoming happier in your own company and it is an effort to socialise. But your phrasing just made me think the above.

Cremedemar193 · 12/10/2024 18:01

I could have written your post. I feel exactly the same. I'm mid 40s, also on Escitaloprám for anxiety which hit me like a tonne of bricks at 40.

I've just got enough social battery to see me through the working week. My weekends are needed to re charge. I barely see anyone outside of work. I keep in touch with my friends but have absolutely no desire to meet them in person. I worry that I'll end up very alone one day but that seems to be what I need!

It's strange.

Original poster

slippersandfleece · 12/10/2024 21:03

Cardiganwearer · 12/10/2024 17:46

Are your friends treating you well? If they are not (little digs, oneupmanship, veiled criticism for example), that would certainly make you feel scattered as you describe. Disturbed would be another word for scattered. I used to excuse the little digs, so called friends would make, they didn’t mean anything by it etc. But they did, in my case. That feeling of being thrown off might be your body’s or brain’s way of trying to get your mind to notice that you are not always being treated 100% kindly. Always listen to that feeling, it’s trying to protect you.

Or I might be wrong, it might be just that you are becoming happier in your own company and it is an effort to socialise. But your phrasing just made me think the above.

My friends are lovely. Only stress is that they run at a different pace to me. Want to do more/ get together more often/ stay longer when they come over. We are going in holiday with one family and I'm literally dreading it. I can't keep up. Does anyone have any coping strategies?

OP posts:

Original poster

slippersandfleece · 12/10/2024 21:04

Cremedemar193 · 12/10/2024 18:01

I could have written your post. I feel exactly the same. I'm mid 40s, also on Escitaloprám for anxiety which hit me like a tonne of bricks at 40.

I've just got enough social battery to see me through the working week. My weekends are needed to re charge. I barely see anyone outside of work. I keep in touch with my friends but have absolutely no desire to meet them in person. I worry that I'll end up very alone one day but that seems to be what I need!

It's strange.

Glad I'm not the only one. Does anyone have any coping strategies?

OP posts:

Original poster

slippersandfleece · 12/10/2024 21:08

unsync · 12/10/2024 17:32

I think that is fairly typical tbh of people who are introverted. It does seem to become deeper as you age. It's easier if you can accept this as your normal.

Do you socialise on your terms though or are you bending over backwards to fit everyone else's plans?

It's relatively on my terms but I guess those terms are changing over time and I need to re state what works for me. But there also has to be an element of give and take so i try to be fair. Boundaries are so hard!!! Do you have any coping strategies?

OP posts:

unsync · 12/10/2024 21:58

I keep in touch a lot through WhatsApp, just checking in with friends. I'm also good now with saying no if something doesn't work for me and I accept that it means I miss out on stuff and I'm OK with that.

Being open about it helps, real friends understand and anyone who doesn't, well are they really worth keeping? I have become far more careful who I spend my energy on. I think it ties in to knowing your worth and valuing true friendship.

I'm older than you as I'm mid 50s. I am happy with my life and the balance I have.

SummertoAutumntoWinter · 12/10/2024 22:03

I am an introvert. I have ADHD. I wonder if I am autistic. I find socialising exhausting. I didn't used to - I had good, long term friends and enjoyed it but at some time (post children) it became too much. When I come into the office I find it tough and I'm notably on edge when I get back. 40 years old if that makes a difference.

Cremedemar193 · 13/10/2024 06:56

Another issue I've developed, I don't know if you're the same OP-i don't want to discuss my personal life with people. I've become really private. My dad is dying of cancer, my kids are teens and they're my whole life at the moment but what they're all going through is their private business.

I find my friends want to (understandably) get down to the nitty gritty, they don't want to just talk about the weather but I just shut conversations about mine and my loved ones personal life off. Makes it hard to feel really connected to people.

CrazyGoatLady · 13/10/2024 07:20

I'm neurodivergent (autistic with ADHD). I lost the energy to mask after lockdown and experienced autistic burnout when everything returned to in person. What you're experiencing sounds very similar. The utter exhaustion with it, difficulty keeping up with conversations, the needing to withdraw afterwards.

I never realised how hard I worked to mask before. I had this vague sense that I wasn't always being myself, and I found "fitting in" hard, but I never quite understood what it was. I also care less now I'm older about fitting in or doing stuff the same way as everyone else.

Stuff that helped.

Fixing my sleep
Exercising (I didn't want to, I was too exhausted. But I got into a gym that did small group training, HIIT classes etc and was local so short classes and minimal effort to get there. It really helped).
Creating routines
Deep pressure, grounding and mindful walking without any podcasts, music etc (my brain is too bouncy for meditation)
Cold water exposure
Cleaning up my diet, quitting the beige food. Protein in the morning.
Using Loop earplugs/noise cancelling headphones when I go to supermarkets, on public transport, etc

Ways I had to change my socialising.

Accepting that I can't socialise in groups unless it's something like a craft group where we are doing an activity. I then don't have the same pressure to keep up with a group conversation AND process what's around me.
Avoiding very noisy environments for socialising where I'd find it too exhausting to filter out background noise and focus on the conversation.
Doing stuff 1-1 like going for a walk with a friend and the dogs instead of meeting in a cafe.
I stopped doing any socialising after work for a while. I can do it now, but couldn't when I was deep in the burnout.

I don't know if any of this resonates/helps. You also don't need to be autistic for the strategies to be helpful either and NT people can experience burnout too.

Original poster

slippersandfleece · 13/10/2024 20:14

CrazyGoatLady · 13/10/2024 07:20

I'm neurodivergent (autistic with ADHD). I lost the energy to mask after lockdown and experienced autistic burnout when everything returned to in person. What you're experiencing sounds very similar. The utter exhaustion with it, difficulty keeping up with conversations, the needing to withdraw afterwards.

I never realised how hard I worked to mask before. I had this vague sense that I wasn't always being myself, and I found "fitting in" hard, but I never quite understood what it was. I also care less now I'm older about fitting in or doing stuff the same way as everyone else.

Stuff that helped.

Fixing my sleep
Exercising (I didn't want to, I was too exhausted. But I got into a gym that did small group training, HIIT classes etc and was local so short classes and minimal effort to get there. It really helped).
Creating routines
Deep pressure, grounding and mindful walking without any podcasts, music etc (my brain is too bouncy for meditation)
Cold water exposure
Cleaning up my diet, quitting the beige food. Protein in the morning.
Using Loop earplugs/noise cancelling headphones when I go to supermarkets, on public transport, etc

Ways I had to change my socialising.

Accepting that I can't socialise in groups unless it's something like a craft group where we are doing an activity. I then don't have the same pressure to keep up with a group conversation AND process what's around me.
Avoiding very noisy environments for socialising where I'd find it too exhausting to filter out background noise and focus on the conversation.
Doing stuff 1-1 like going for a walk with a friend and the dogs instead of meeting in a cafe.
I stopped doing any socialising after work for a while. I can do it now, but couldn't when I was deep in the burnout.

I don't know if any of this resonates/helps. You also don't need to be autistic for the strategies to be helpful either and NT people can experience burnout too.

This is so helpful. Thank you. Am going to try these. ☺️

OP posts:

ChinaVase · 14/10/2024 16:48

I am actually in tears at the thought of going into work tomorrow. I have to have an in person meeting and I don’t think I can bear it. Two days at a conference later this week and I’m already exhausted just at the thought of it. I need so much more time off than I used to. I’m not sure I can sustain full time work anymore.

is this normal?

Original poster

slippersandfleece · 14/10/2024 18:29

Sorry to hear this but i totally understand. I have definitely had this. A conference is just a big no. I am now freelance so I can avoid exactly this. I often tell my husband that he should get a diagnosis so he can tell his work exactly how hard this sort of thing is. Surely then they'd have to make reasonable adjustments for him? What about you? Could you speak to your GP?

OP posts: