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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners and their Ex’s

20 replies

CG2015 · 12/10/2024 15:18

Hi ladies,

Bit of a tricky one for me to handle, I’m 29 with no children. My partner being 37 with 2 children and being with his ex for 15 years.

When we met, they were according to the ex
‘trying to make the family work’ although he told me he had no interest and made her aware of me very quickly and that there was ‘nothing’ between them.

Since then, she has not left him alone, with demands for more time, financial support and has even gone to the lengths of using her children as weapons to get what she wants.

we have been together for 10 months, it’s become very serious , but she honestly will not leave him alone and it’s causing us to argue.

I found a conversation between them that involved them talking about their past and her saying ‘ all she ever wanted was a family’ with him replying with all the things she’s done to him. It made me very uncomfortable.

Since then his daughter’s birthday is soon, she has asked my partner to go for dinner with just the 4 of them.

it’s made me so uncomfortable. He has said it is purely for the benefit of his kids, I wished I believed him fully but I can’t help but feel like I don’t want him to go…

i don’t know what to do

OP posts:

Catza · 12/10/2024 15:52

Doesn't matter what you feel. It's his kid's birthday and it is perfectly fine to go for dinner just the four of them. They will always be a family whether you want it or not. You choices are either believe him or leave the relationship.
My partner and his ex separated 13 years ago and they still regularly meet and have celebrations as a family. It's normal.

Gazelda · 12/10/2024 15:56

It sounds as though your DP is very clear that their romantic relationship is over. He's with you. He's still very committed to the DC and will do what is best for them.

It doesn't sound as though he's given you any reason to doubt or mistrust him.

It's up to you if you want to ban him from the dinner or make him reduce the time he spends with his children while ex is also present.

This is about you, not him.

UpstartCrows · 12/10/2024 15:59

Honestly I don't think this relationship is going to make you happy.

There's years of them coparenting ahead and candidly its always going to be this tough. Remember you're supposed to be in the honeymoon phase now.

I'd let this one go and find someone without commitments.

SunQueen24 · 12/10/2024 15:59

My DH’s ex did this when we got together. It would ramp up when her relationships broke down, REALLY ramped up when I had our first child. I think the new relationship makes them feel vulnerable and probably a little inadequate and insecure, especially if they weren’t the ones to initiate the relationship breakup. My DH and his ex had been separated 5 years, divorced etc.

Your DH needs to be clear with his boundaries and not get dragged into conversations reminiscing. He also needs to stop being emotional support for his ex - IMO he can’t maintain an emotional connection to her AND have a relationship with you. Otherwise you become an extension of their relationship.

LifeExperience · 12/10/2024 16:02

It sounds like a relationship with a man with children and an ex is not for you. His children come first, as they should. If you can't handle that with grace, then move on.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/10/2024 16:06

I'm not clear what you mean by 'demands for more time and financial support'. Do you mean for his children? Does he do his share of parenting and contribute financially fairly to their upbringing?

Beezknees · 12/10/2024 16:11

I'd end it to be honest.

I'm a separated parent myself and I hate seeing young women get tied into this lifestyle of men with kids and ex wife issues. It's just not worth the stress.

Ablondiebutagoody · 12/10/2024 16:29

You seriously don't want him to attend his daughters birthday? As pp have said, it doesn't sound like you are built for a partner with kids. Move on.

sparkellie · 12/10/2024 17:06

Honestly, I think you need to accept this isn't the relationship for you. Don't be the new partner that destroys his relationship with his kids. My ex and I got on well for a long time, with both having other relationships that didn't impact on that. He is now in a relationship that, whether because of him or her, has destroyed his relationship with his son, and may do the same with his daughter in the future - though this is less likely. It's not my place to get involved (and anything I said in the past fell on deaf ears and was seen as me trying to cause a problem between them) but I think a lot less of him for the way he has behaved. Your partner seems to be trying to do right by his kids, and if you're not comfortable with that then you should walk away now. It won't get easier as time goes on, you'll just become more resentful. If you want to be with him you need to be able to step back and let his relationship with his kids be his priority, and by doing so you will have a better relationship. You can't force that though. It has to be genuine.

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/10/2024 17:12

I’d usually agree that it’s healthy and the mark of good parenting for co-parents to be able to come together for their children’s celebrations and big events like this - but in this situation I’m not so sure it is. If his ex still believes there’s a chance of them getting back together again or is intent on trying to make it happen then it’s possible she’s also implying or even directly saying so to their children, and family outings are going to give that sone reinforcement and confuse or upset them.

That aside, I’d end this relationship. You’re young and have no baggage, you don’t need a man with a difficult ex and children holding you back. Date somebody in a similar situation to yourself.

OCDmama · 12/10/2024 17:15

If you've been together 10 months he's your boyfriend, not your partner.

End the relationship, it's always going to be messy. You can't handle him having kids and he's probably lying about elements of his relationship with his ex.

Bigcat25 · 12/10/2024 17:17

He sounds very over her. I wouldn't mind them hanging out just the four of them as a family sometimes. You are right to be annoyed about constant pestering though.

Wellingtonspie · 12/10/2024 17:21

You have to decide if he is worth the ex in your life. She will never go away even once they are adults. Weddings grandchildren’s birthday etc

he should be able to go for dinner with his child and the mother tho if the child wishes.

FuzzyGoblin · 12/10/2024 17:25

we have been together for 10 months, it’s become very serious

I suspect it’s far more serious for you than it is for him. I’d find someone else.

notatinydancer · 12/10/2024 18:06

You 'found a conversation' ie you looked at his phone. I don't think you can handle this relationship.

TillyKister · 12/10/2024 18:18

OP this is only the start of it!

He's always going to have to be in contact and around her, as they have kids together.

I'd bow out of this relationship, as it's only going to be more of the same... You're arguing now, it's been 10 mths... But this is life with a guy with children. His kids will, and should always come first, and so should arrangements parents make in their kids best interests.

It's tough, but that's the reality of the situation.

Original poster

CG2015 · 12/10/2024 19:06

Ah thank you everyone. This forum is so helpful

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 12/10/2024 19:20

I agree with all the previous posters who say this doesn't sound like a good long term prospect for you.

And would add that ^When we met, they were according to the ex
‘trying to make the family work’ although he told me he had no interest and made her aware of me very quickly and that there was ‘nothing’ between them^ sounds exactly like part of The Script.

I'd say it was an odds on certainty that that is exactly what he was telling her. And that a lot of what has led you to believe that she is unreasonable has come from him.

Original poster

CG2015 · 12/10/2024 19:58

He has admitted they were seeing each other when they met, but there was nothing to it..
Which is why I guess I have the feelings I do and feel uncomfortable with their dinner

especially considering it’s evident she still wants to be with him.

If I felt the relationship was actually over I would absolutely be all for them going out for dinner. But I just can’t help but feel uncomfortable and I think your all right, time to move on

OP posts:

SunQueen24 · 13/10/2024 10:36

@CG2015 i wouldn’t be comfortable with my DH going for lunch with his ex. IMO it’s confusing for the kids and totally unnecessary. You’re either a family or you’re not. I know people do things differently but it’s not for me. You don’t have to agree with what everyone here is saying.

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