Anxiety about buying a house

[JulyRed]

Sorry that this is quite long.

My partner and I are currently in the (very fortunate) position of looking to buy a house. We’ve found one that we both like but I’m really struggling with anxiety. I was wondering if this is normal and if anyone else has experienced this?

I know it makes sense to buy if we can, especially because our rent is more than a mortgage would be and we’ve had to move to a flat that has a lot of issues that the agents won’t sort. We were really happy renting previously, but we needed to move closer to his work.

I was in quite an abusive relationship previously, and I think I’m worried about being ‘trapped’, even though my relationship currently is great. I keep having intrusive thoughts about not being able to leave and what if we break up straight away, etc. All of the stress is making me think maybe I should just be on my own, which I know isn’t what I want but I feel overwhelmed with panic.

Another concern is that my work contract comes to end in a year and there are not too many jobs in my industry where we live at the moment. There are loads in other parts of the country so it would be good to have some flexibility, but I’m hoping by next year things will be a bit better (and this is what I’ve been told is likely to happen). We have spoken about renting out our house if this happens but I don’t know the logistics.

It would be great to hear how others have found this process. Im quite sad to not get the excitement over buying a house that I thought I’d have.

I personally didn’t experience any anxiety, no. But when we bought our first house, Dh and I had been together for probably 13 years and had 2 children. We were as secure and as certain as we would ever be. Me personally, I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I wasn’t married to. A house is a huge financial and legal commitment akin to marriage. If it’s too soon for one, it’s too soon for the other for me.

As for work, I am in a similar situation. I’m an academic. Jobs are niche and few and far between for me. We waited to buy until we were sure we wouldn’t be moving. I knew where future jobs would come up and I was committed to commuting. It’s a 3 hour trip one way, 6 hours a day, I used to do it 2-3 days a week. I’m leaving my job now and looking to retrain (not because of the commute). But I had to accept that putting down roots meant the onus would be on me to do the travel. We didn’t buy until we were sure that was going to work.

I find any form of moving house to be incredibly stressful. I waited from October to end of January to move into my new house and the stress was unbearable. It didn’t settle until we had lived here for a couple of months.

Make sure you are 100% ready and have spare money for all the unexpected costs that occur. I think if you’re already worried about your future income then maybe it’s best to wait.

I think this is one of those things that is common but no one talks about it. I was weirdly anxious buying my house, not sure why I think it just felt like a massive commitment and a lot of debt! I know a lot of my friends felt the same. If it’s any consolation I did buy and have no regrets!

It sounds like your issue might be nervousness about buying with your partner rather than buying itself. I bought on
my own so didn’t have this worry. I think you do need to be certain about someone before buying with them, but you also need to accept a bit of risk as any relationship could end. Worst case scenario you would just end up selling and splitting the proceeds or one of you would buy the other out, so you are not trapped forever.

If you can afford it maybe try some therapy as it sounds like you’ve had a horrible experience that’s still impacting your life so it might be worth working through that.

I insisted on being married before we bought a house together.

Well, I think you should listen to your fears because it sounds to me as if they’re sounding alarm bells for a reason. You’ve had bad relationships, you’re not entirely sure about this one, you recognise that owning with a man you may need to split from ties you down and makes a split far more messy and complex, and you also have the perfectly valid prospect of possibly needing to move for a job in the near future. The latter in particular sounds to me like a perfectly valid reason for continuing to rent.

Your own home is a huge financial responsibility and I was anxious when I first did it. But buying is a long term thing - if you can't commit to a particular area, then buying is pointless as any savings on rent will be overcome by tbe costs of stamp duty, solicitors etc if you do it all over again within a few years.

Yes, exactly.