Am I being needy or is DH being rude?

[Lifeunderthepalms]

Name changed for this. I'm going to start by saying that DH is great, we've been together a long time and get on really well in general. The thing that's bugging me is that he can be really rubbish at small talk with me (I've not noticed this with anyone else). We both work full time so we don't see each other all day. When we get home we usually ask each other how our days were - he doesn't usually have much to say but I'll listen if he does. I'll usually make a bit of conversation, often nothing groundbreaking but I like his company and so like to connect and chat with him! I then get one word answers and grunts while he reads stuff on his phone without looking up. A couple of examples, I mentioned I'd seen a friend who we haven't seen for a long time, his reply was, "Uh." No enthusiasm, how are they, nothing. The other day I suggested we should take our DD to soft play at the weekend as she's never been before and I thought she might like it. I got a "Yeah," without taking his eyes off his phone.
We had a bit of an argument about this recently as I think it's really dismissive and makes me feel like shit, like he couldn't be any less interested in what I have to say. He says he isn't being rude, he's replying so what more do I want, basically. He is an introvert but he is perfectly capable of making small talk with other people so it upsets me that he won't make any sort of an effort for me. Some evenings I think he'd be happy to sit on the sofa and completely ignore me. So...

YABU - you're being super needy and DH can reply however he likes.
YANBU - it's common courtesy to make an effort.

Dors he do a job where he talks a lot or is expected to be mentally switched on all day at work? I have a job like that and sometimes when I get home I literally have nothing left inside me and need some quiet time to recharge and just have some time with my thoughts. My work can be emotionally draining too which adds to that feeling I think. Maybe plan an honest chat with him at a weekend or a time not directly after work to explore calmly rather than rowing about it.

I think in reality neither is unreasonable or reasonable just different.

yes he should make some effort but at the same time you should appreciate that sometimes after work he doesn’t feel like chatting and just needs some downtime.

Occasionally is fine, all the time is neglectful. What's the point of being in a relationship if you have no interest in communicating?

My ex was like that in the end I felt like he had no interest in me at all (he didn’t he had someone else in the wings).

Not massively but he does have to take phone calls and I guess that is probably quite draining for him. You do make a good point, I should probably take this on board.

Very rude as it appears a habit and saved for you.
Perhaps he wants to live alone?
Give him the option.

This aspect is probably definitely part of it all of us in my house can be like that but if that is his experience then he needs to take some wind down time and come back to you once he has recharged not completely ignore you.

Perhaps suggest a 10 min "downtime get together" type thing, after the initial work decompress, no electronics, no phones where you just connect after the day, chat etc. not massively long, you can only chat so much about the day but better to do it without phones.

My DH is like this after a day at work. He works full time in a stressful and demanding job where he is using his brain all day to solve issues. He has work calls on and off all day where he is talking. When he has finished work I know the last thing he wants to do is chat for a while. He wants to try and wind down and switch off so he grabs a beer and scrolls through his phone or watches a bit of TV. It was hard for me for a while because I would have the kids all day so when he finished work all I wanted was some adult conversation. In the end we talked it through and realised that we both needed different things after a long day, just for a while. So I now give him that space to just 'switch off' and I facetime a friend or family member for a chat. After an hour we will have tea together and that is when we discuss our days and talk about what we are doing at the weekend etc..

I think its pretty normal from both of you to be honest and you just need to work out something that works for you so you both get what you need.

This is how it makes me feel.

This is good advice. I think I'm probably similar - I'm a teacher so I spend all day taking to small children and I'm desperate for some adult conversation when I get home!