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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex turning up on non-contact days?

21 replies

gee89 · 10/10/2024 19:29

I have an EOW agreement with ex (not court ordered).

He's now threatening to turn up on non contact days to take our dc, "whether I like it it not"

I'd actually be open to extra contact if he actually asked, rather than tell me and if it was arranged in advance.

I'm feeling quite threatened by his behaviour, I don't want him coming to my house unless agreed prior.

His mother also turned up at my house unannounced to try and take dc, this wasn't arranged and she took pictures of herself at the front of my house.

I don't know what to do, would you report to police or AIBU?

He's not in BC x

OP posts:
OCDmama · 10/10/2024 19:47

Report to 111 so it's on file. Do not open the door to him or any of his relatives.

Contact a solicitor - I wouldn't let him have the children at all right now with that threat. What if he doesn't give them back next weekend he has them?

Do not speak to him on the phone, all communication by text/email (he can delete WhatsApp messages - screenshot every time if this is how he talks to you).

Dramatic · 10/10/2024 19:50

Agree with the above, do not answer the phone to him. Written contact only through messages or email. Get a solicitor immediately and tell them what you've written here and that you feel threatened by his and his mother's behaviour and that you would prefer to get some sort of court order in place for contact. That's the only way you can get proper stability, at the moment if he has PR he can take the child whenever he wants without any repercussions.

Original poster
gee89 · 11/10/2024 06:05

Thanks, I reported to 101

OP posts:
MoveToParis · 11/10/2024 06:07

Are the children eligible for other passports through their Dad?

Original poster
gee89 · 11/10/2024 06:19

@MoveToParis no, thankfully just British passports

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 11/10/2024 06:27

You need a formal arrangement.
Imagine only seeing your DC EOW, that would break my heart.
In what way was he threatening? They are HIS children too.

Original poster
gee89 · 11/10/2024 06:32

ZekeZeke · 11/10/2024 06:27

You need a formal arrangement.
Imagine only seeing your DC EOW, that would break my heart.
In what way was he threatening? They are HIS children too.

It's his choice, he moved away, as in hours. He regularly doesn't take up contact on his weekend due to "work" or having other plans, then demands to just turn up at my house and take our child without prior agreement?

He doesn't want contact on weekdays as it usually doesn't suit him, he doesn't want to do the travel in the working week

OP posts:
Nightowl1234 · 11/10/2024 06:34

ZekeZeke · 11/10/2024 06:27

You need a formal arrangement.
Imagine only seeing your DC EOW, that would break my heart.
In what way was he threatening? They are HIS children too.

What do you know about the OP and the situation? Such an ill informed post making assumptions.

ZekeZeke · 11/10/2024 06:40

Nightowl1234 · 11/10/2024 06:34

What do you know about the OP and the situation? Such an ill informed post making assumptions.

Show quote history

Eh based on her OP!

Nightowl1234 · 11/10/2024 06:42

ZekeZeke · 11/10/2024 06:40

Eh based on her OP!

Show quote history

The fact you assume she’s withholding contact and she’s the one to blame for the EOW arrangement - such a massive assumption on your part

ZekeZeke · 11/10/2024 06:47

Nightowl1234 · 11/10/2024 06:42

The fact you assume she’s withholding contact and she’s the one to blame for the EOW arrangement - such a massive assumption on your part

Show quote history

have an EOW agreement with ex (not court ordered).He's now threatening to turn up on non contact days to take our dc, "whether I like it it not"I'd actually be open to extra contact if he actually asked, rather than tell me and if it was arranged in advance.I based my response on the OP ffs

ThisBlueCrab · 11/10/2024 06:50

If he isn't on the birth certificate I would just stop contact completely. Let him go to court and endure you keep written records of all contact.

Get a separate sim card and email address, pick a time and day you will look at it and respond and ignore outside of that.

He sounds awful and abusive. You need to protect your child!

Lemonadeand · 11/10/2024 07:09

Get a ring doorbell. Tell him if he speaks to you like that again you’ll see him in court.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 11/10/2024 07:17

I would tell him that the arrangement is no longer working and you feel that this needs to be agreed officially through the courts, so if he would like to have contact with his DC he needs to apply to the courts to do so and until then you will not be making dc available other than on a supervised basis due to his threats.

exhaustedmum24 · 11/10/2024 07:20

gee89 · 10/10/2024 19:29

I have an EOW agreement with ex (not court ordered).

He's now threatening to turn up on non contact days to take our dc, "whether I like it it not"

I'd actually be open to extra contact if he actually asked, rather than tell me and if it was arranged in advance.

I'm feeling quite threatened by his behaviour, I don't want him coming to my house unless agreed prior.

His mother also turned up at my house unannounced to try and take dc, this wasn't arranged and she took pictures of herself at the front of my house.

I don't know what to do, would you report to police or AIBU?

He's not in BC x

Report it.

Every time he threatens it just log it with the police.

Original poster
gee89 · 11/10/2024 08:37

I don't think he can just say he's not coming on the agreed day, and then say he's turning up on another day that's not been agreed, whether I like it or not?
The day he's saying he's coming isn't suitable, he's given only days notice and dc has an appointment and we have plans.
It's making me feel on edge

OP posts:
Original poster
gee89 · 11/10/2024 08:42

There was domestic abuse in the relationship which I reported to police at the time, hence being on edge.

He also wasn't involved with our child for a long time.

OP posts:
OhamIreally · 11/10/2024 08:44

He's using contact to continue to abuse you.

bluebee17 · 11/10/2024 09:02

Like someone already said he using contact to continue to abuse you.
Get a £50 cctv camera off Amazon and a couple of cctv signs.
Make sure you have deadbolts and don't ever open the door to him.
If the kids are at school you need to let them know what's going on just in case they try and pick the kids up without your consent.
Call the police every time he or any of his friends shows up.
Send him one text that all visitation right will now be through the court and block his number.

Daleksatemyshed · 11/10/2024 09:14

He's still trying to be in control of you and the DC. You don't say how old they are but it's unfair to the DC if he just turns up when he feels like it. Hopefully he doesn't have keys to your place and you don't have to let him in Op. Send him a solicitors letter saying no change in contact without notice and stick to it

Heretodayblownawaytomorrow · 11/10/2024 09:14

Buy 2 cheap calendars .. Give him the details of when you are making dc available for contact.. Do not get into discussions with him. He gets abusive tell him see him in court... Right now he has no legal rights to see your dc.. Even if it is his. Good df's don't terrorise the dm of their dc...

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