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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want him to leave?

11 replies

lonelyonee · 10/10/2024 18:05

Partner is demanding I leave after saying last week he would go.
For context he's financially abusive and I'm done.
Spends all his money on Mary Jane, expects me to subsidise his bills (rent, utilities, credit cards, food etc...) he stays up all night and sleeps all day (then works some evenings).
Told him no last week as needed to pay the rent and he kicked OFF. Told me I need to leave and said a lot of really nasty stuff like how he wants me to "deee iiiii eeee" and I'm a fat lazy b*h.
We have a DS4 who I've almost killed myself working my behind off to ensure he has a home and all the things he needs. I work 5 days a week, I do all of the childcare and early mornings and drop offs and pick ups.
I've been very unwell the past 2 years with cancer, surgery and now I'm constantly in pain which the hospital are looking into.
He's barely helped during this time at all then said to my face he didn't sign up to be my carer.
I would probably be better off both emotionally & financially if he leaves but he refuses & tells me to leave. As if I'm going to leave my child & my home which is full of MY belongings l, furniture everything.

Am I being unreasonable to think he should be taking himself out of the situation? Since he's apparently got such a good support system (he keeps saying this over and over because my mom's dead, my dad is estranged & I'm not close with my siblings).

Please be kind, I'm absolutely destroyed right now and I have no idea what to do & don't think I can take anymore abuse Sad

OP posts:
scullybags · 10/10/2024 18:09

Sorry if I missed this but is the house owned or rented?

Is it in both of your names?

lonelyonee · 10/10/2024 18:19

@scullybags flat is rented, housing association. I'm the main tenant but he's on the tenancy. We were evicted from our previous home in June (section 21). Which I am still really very angry and upset about but there's nothing I can do except be grateful we were housed shortly after that.

OP posts:
bubblesun · 10/10/2024 18:22

Can you afford to get the locks changed while he's out?
Tell the housing association you don't want a weed smoker in the home.

Have you got a starter tenancy ?

lonelyonee · 10/10/2024 18:31

@bubblesun sorry I'm not sure what a starter tenancy is?
I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. People are telling me to do different things and I have no idea what's best... we have a child in all of this Sad

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 10/10/2024 18:33

OP, I think you need to talk to the housing association or to Shelter.

Get some advice from people who deal with this stuff every day.

Wishing you well. x

Cherrysoup · 10/10/2024 18:38

Talk to the housing association, tell them you’re separating. They can (and may very well) end the tenancy and then put you back on it as main carer for your child. Shelter is a good shout as they support ha tenants.

oviraptor21 · 10/10/2024 18:51

What do you mean by 'he is on the tenancy'? Is it a joint tenancy? If it is your options are limited. If it's a sole tenancy but he's a permitted occupier then you should be able to get him to leave. As pp said, talk to the housing association and if they're unhelpful, contact Shelter. Have your tenancy agreement to hand.

lonelyonee · 10/10/2024 18:54

Thank you @Meadowfinch & @Cherrysoup

I did speak to a local women's aid & they weren't very helpful and I almost had a panic attack at them saying they could put me in a hostel miles and miles away.

He's very entitled and reckons he's the entire reason we have the flat. He is not at all, I did 99% of the liaising and talking and paperwork etc...
He's had plenty of chances to make an effort he even stopped for a while but of course broke his promises and now it's worse than it was before...

OP posts:
BMW6 · 10/10/2024 19:36

Why on earth are you listening to his bullshit?

He's a total waste of space. A useless father. No earthly use as a human being.

Bag up his shit and out it outside. Ring Police the second he gets nasty.

Protect your child.

nutbrownhare15 · 10/10/2024 19:40

I would contact the housing association. Explain that you are in an abusive relationship and you need him to leave. Ask what next steps you need to take to get him to move out.

Oldenoughtoknowbetteryoungatheart · 10/10/2024 20:54

lonelyonee · 10/10/2024 18:05

Partner is demanding I leave after saying last week he would go.
For context he's financially abusive and I'm done.
Spends all his money on Mary Jane, expects me to subsidise his bills (rent, utilities, credit cards, food etc...) he stays up all night and sleeps all day (then works some evenings).
Told him no last week as needed to pay the rent and he kicked OFF. Told me I need to leave and said a lot of really nasty stuff like how he wants me to "deee iiiii eeee" and I'm a fat lazy b*h.
We have a DS4 who I've almost killed myself working my behind off to ensure he has a home and all the things he needs. I work 5 days a week, I do all of the childcare and early mornings and drop offs and pick ups.
I've been very unwell the past 2 years with cancer, surgery and now I'm constantly in pain which the hospital are looking into.
He's barely helped during this time at all then said to my face he didn't sign up to be my carer.
I would probably be better off both emotionally & financially if he leaves but he refuses & tells me to leave. As if I'm going to leave my child & my home which is full of MY belongings l, furniture everything.

Am I being unreasonable to think he should be taking himself out of the situation? Since he's apparently got such a good support system (he keeps saying this over and over because my mom's dead, my dad is estranged & I'm not close with my siblings).

Please be kind, I'm absolutely destroyed right now and I have no idea what to do & don't think I can take anymore abuse Sad

Please contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence. They can help you (for free) obtain and emergency injunction. This can include an occupation order, which will mean he has to leave immediately. If the tenancy is in your sole name and he is only listed as an occupant he would not be allowed to stay in the property once you'd moved out anyway.

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