Ex doesn’t return property

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

Trying not to drop feed or be over long:

I share two children with exh - dd15 and dd10. Dd15 is responsible for her own property so less of an issue - she has a key to both houses. Exh
lives two streets away with partner and two very small children - this is not an issue just setting the scene.

DS10 is at primary. Can’t physically take all his property to school every day. Has hobbies after school requiring equipment such as electric guitar, cubs uniform etc

School have recently decided on Weds and Fri yr 6 will spend the whole day in PE kit. Necessitating different clothes on different, non-consecutive days. DS spends every Thursday night and EOW with exh. Doesn’t want to be there more, if anything would happily go less.

Ex does not buy any school uniform or pE kit, save football boots. He bought DS’s much needed laptop as a Christmas present but I buy most things DS needs.

Pays maintenance but has reduced it several times since court order was made (but more than CMS figure - just). I’ve taken him to court to enforce maintenance twice with success - but he negotiates at the last minute so no deduction of earnings.

Exh does not return property even when he says he will.

He will not communicate properly about it - blocked me on WhatsApp as he “doesn’t want lots of messages”. Says he will use email but doesn’t reply to emails ever or not for a long time, and then only to eg one aspect of an email with more than one question. Doesn’t answer his phone.

I have suggested co parenting apps but apparently that’s inconvenient to him.

Suggested a set, written routine to remove necessity for communication (as he says he dislikes it) - but won’t engage. Likes flexibility to do everything last minute - or not at all - and on his own terms.

It’s really stressing me out! I want DS to have the right equipment for school and hobbies - there’s no reason that shouldn’t be possible. I already buy more sets of everything that a couple would have to buy between them to try to have some of it, sometimes.

What do I do? Stop sending DS? Seems a shame as he should have a relationship with Dad and siblings

We both have busy full time jobs, hybrid working.

Sorry this is long and sure I’ve also forgotten some things!

Less of an AIBU than WWYD

So he’s got a key to your house he won’t return op?

Is the Thursday court ordered? I would be inclined to change the day DS goes to his dad’s midweek to one that’s more convenient for you from a “things” perspective. Sounds like Monday because of the whole PE kit on Weds and Fri thing, but don’t know DS’s other commitments. Monday also attaches to a weekend just like Thursday, since that was apparently a concern of your Ex’s.

If ex refuses that - your DS isn’t that bothered anyway, is it actually better for him to have more time with a man that cares so little about him?

Thanks for the reply. I’ve got it now as DS took a bag of stuff to school with him on Friday including the key.

I don’t think exh is malicious as such, just really disorganised and doesn’t let this take any headspace, nor does he help DS to get organised himself.

I wrote out a list of items and a weekly routine on Thursday to help DS to do it himself but he hadn’t seen this by Friday morning and his school shoes got left at ex’s over the weekend

When we went through court we were told both sides had to provide for the children, uniform, pe kit, clothes for out of school because we were providing a different standard of items and they were getting kept and kids returned to us in clothes fit for bin. Think Clark’s and shoe zone. Dad should have everything for your son and this would prevent the issues except the guitar and such items. It would also relieve the stress on you.

Get your locks changed ASAP.

I'm not saying anything will happen. It's just in case.

It all sounds very frustrating for you and your son.
Firstly I would say that if your son isn’t keen to go over there, I think you mentioned he’d rather go less, perhaps just sticking with every other weekend may help so at least school items aren’t involved?
it’s not down to you to organise your child’s things when he is with his Dad, although I understand why you do because you don’t want him to go without what he needs.
It does sound like your son is not a priority for his dad, which is such a shame.
I have an 11 year old asd son and he definitely needs help to get himself organised. I’ve laminated his time table and highlighted pe kit days etc which has helped however he is only based from one household so I can only imagine what a pickle yours must get himself into.
If the custody arrangements aren’t working for him then they need to be changed, perhaps a meal out in the week instead of sleeping over etc continuously feeling let down by a parent not making the time to help them with things/get ready would make the most resilient children feel sad

You're explaining really well. It sounds as though ex has ADHD too, so that would explain much of what is happening - that and he's being a massive AH. To pp who think ex is trying to teach your son something - forget it. If ex is that disorganised, it isn't happening. (I have both DH and now adult DS diagnosed with ADHD, so have lived with these situations at home for many years - it's difficult to manage, even when we're all on the same page and living amicably together).

Back to you, OP. What I would do:

1. Change my locks (ex has not given back DS key - he's probably lost it, but I wouldn't assume he doesn't have access to your home).

1. Talk to school about the clothing issues. Explain ex's disorganised state and how it is impacting DS, without blaming. Just be factual. Ask if there is a locker or other safe space where your son could keep appropriate school clothing, so that he can change there before/after visits to Dad. Of course, he will have to remember to bring worn clothes to you for washing, but I'm sure you can organise a routine for that.

1. The electric guitar is a bigger problem because it is heavy and awkward to cart around. If there is a big enough locker available in school, that might help but failing that, does the music department have a safe instrument store that DS could have access to? If he only takes it to Dad's when he has a lesson and then takes it back to school/home, that might work.

What I wouldn't do at this stage, is engage any more with ex. He is the problem and not part of the solution, so I would save my breath/energy. I can understand his reluctance to engage with a shared calendar /parenting apps or even email, but I absolutely do not condone it.

I know that it will be more work for you but I think you should do what you can/or need to help your son with his difficulties and just work around ex. Don't have any ( even reasonable) expectations of him at all. He will just continue to let you both down. I suspect you'll all feel better for it, if you can find a way through this that doesn't need any action from ex.

I really feel for you OP and hope this might help a bit.

Thank you so much for this - it’s so helpful!

I do think exh may have ADHD as well - in fact in think it’s likely we both do. The difference, it seems to me, is that women have to learn to be organised because society expects it, we are forced to be the organisers even if it goes against the grain. I was incredibly chaotic pre children, and I think this is why it sits badly with me - I had to force myself to do things that don’t come naturally.

I think society “forgives” a lot of behaviours in men that are ADHD traits - “oh he can’t be expected to remember that” and so on.

Thanks you for your bullet points too - I have the key back thankfully. They are really good suggestions.

I know I should engage with him less - but I think my own anxiety is heightened by the way he is and I work myself up a bit.