To stay firm in not facilitating contact

[Becauseimhappyclapalong90]

Separated and moved out of family home 10 months ago. It's been a rocky road. I left because of emotional abuse, things like silent treatment, withholding affection, punching things, I wasn't ever allowed to make a decision about children.
I offered 50/50 custody as I thought right thing to do, courts are leaning towards this and I didn't have the confidence to stand up to him.
DS decided 6 months ago he doesn't want to be on his own with ex and only sees him if I am there. There were a few incidents earlier this year that he describes around why he is worried about being with Dad on own.

He also hasn't seen ex's family family on his own in this time - I have tried to facilitate this by meeting up with them but he has recently started saying he doesn't want to see them.
Ex's family are saying I'm alienating them and all of this is because I am showing DS that he can reject them. Apparently by me not going to their family events that shows him he can reject them too. They are accusing me of not caring about how they feel and say they don't accept my DS's version of events.
His family have sent some really unpleasant messages to me and have also contacted wider family with similar things. There has also been things put on social media.

I feel sad for ex's Mum and can appreciate they are hurting and missing DS but I'm not sure I should facilitate this and force DS to see them? He is 11 now and I don't want him to regret not having a relationship but at the same time the things they have said about me are awful.

It’s funny how you’re the bad guy rather than his family thinking about reasons why ds doesn’t any to be with dad on his own. If you took this to court, there would be a high chance that ds would get what he wanted tbh.

I'd write a firm note to them saying that

Dear xxx family
I just want to clarify the position re DS. My interest is soley to his welfare and well being. I am not trying to prevent any ongoing relationship with any of you.
however to be crystal clear on a few points

1. I will not be going to your family events as this is not appropriate given I have divorced. ExH is now responsible for faciltating any contact with you.
2. I will be respecting DS wishes and feelings and so please be aware that whilst I am happy for you to have a relationship with him, I will not be forcing him to do anything he doesn't want to do
3. I would request you cease posting on social media and sending absuvie messages regarding this situation. This doesn't help facilitate contact and it certainly won't help DS.

Then block them!

I wouldn't send a message, they'll thrive on the drama and there will be screenshots of the message on social media and goodness alone knows what else. Focus on your own relationship with DS and that includes not forcing him to see family he doesn't want to see. It's for XH to facilitate any contact he chooses to with his own family.

Far too many words in that message when a good silence is all you need.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

"You're right, I don't care how you feel. I care how my son feels, and he isn't interested in seeing you". Sorted. He's old enough to know what he wants. You've given him permission to not care what they feel / say / do - now give it to yourself.

Any relationship with exes dps needs to be facilitated by ex. Not your circus.. If ds doesn't even want to see his df that's not on you either...
At 11 he needs to feel listened to.

Thanks all. I tend to feel guilty they are missing out but also very aware I am the one who has to listen to what DS is saying and feeling.
The things they are accusing me of are just untrue and I would be more than happy tomorrow if DS came and said he wanted to see his dad 50/50 and see them. The fact is that isn't where we are at the moment.

My other DS still sees him 50/50 but I have had comments from ex's family that he is struggling and doesn't want to be between 2 houses anymore!! That's so untrue and he is very happy with me.

I do feel like the silent approach is the best way as they all love when I respond as it's more the come back on!!!

It's hard when you're being made out to be doing something you're not. It feels like an injustice and your natural reaction is to set the record straight. But as the royals say, never complain never explain.

You don't need to justify yourself. You left for a reason. Your ds doesn't want to see his dad for a reason. But these reasons are meaningless to people with their own agenda. They will twist the truth to make you the bad guy no matter how you present the facts to them. So just disengage, keep quiet and save your energy. And first and foremost protect your son. His are the only feelings that matter.

You're not being unreasonable with this. Ultimately if the child doesn't want to see them and is being hurt then that's the most important thing. If its an issue with not trusting the ex or his family and the child being hurt then maybe think about supervised contact with an independent agency to take the pressure off you and facilitate more healthy contact. This could be really helpful for you but if you want to keep going with things how they are just remember you're not being unreasonable in wanting to protect your child.