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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Using silence for power

17 replies

spanieleyes22 · 10/10/2024 13:35

So I've been split with ex for many many years and we have jogged along mostly ok with a few blips like when I had to take him to court for maintenance. In the last few months though he has stopped paying anything and has been ignoring my calls and texts. He's also been ignoring ds. Ds wanted to visit him on the weekend - it's a journey over to Ireland where he lives and we are visiting my parents . So anyway finally last night he phoned ds and I asked ds who was on the phone and I asked to speak to ex. I said to him why have you been ignoring all my calls and texts and ds calls and texts too. And he just laughed! So I took the phone into my room away from ds and asked him again in private and he just wouldn't answer. I could hear that he was there as I could
Hear him breathing! I asked a few times and he just wouldn't say anything. Eventually I hung up. I rang straight back but no answer. Then dd rang and no answer. I felt so triggered . Even after all these years it brings it back to me the way he used to mock me and then ignore me for days on end. And now we don't even know is ds meeting him. He owes me so much money for back payments . I am so so broke I had to borrow money last month to pay the rent. I dunno how he can treat his kid like this. So yeh silence is a weapon isn't it

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TheCultureHusks · 10/10/2024 13:37

CMS claim? Is he self employed?

You ignore back. And don’t hide this behaviour from the children.

spanieleyes22 · 10/10/2024 13:37

I really don't want da to meet up with him. I know he will slag me off to ds. Probably laugh about his "crazy mother". Plus I don't want ds to get hurt. Which he will do when he realizes how nasty he can be. I have to let him go though don't I. I even had to cancel o e of his after school sports that he loves as I just don't have the money for it. And yet ex feels like he's "won" now and got one over on me as he hasn't been paying but gets to see da

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spanieleyes22 · 10/10/2024 13:44

I can't do cms as he is in Ireland. DS is 15 so it's only a couple more years but they are expensive years as he loves his sport etc

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Summerbreeze456 · 10/10/2024 13:51

You should be able to get your claim applied in Ireland as well, though. I'm currently going through the separation (and eventually divorce) with my children's dad and there is the possibility of him moving back to the UK to try and avoid child maintenance. We are in Germany and I know authorities here would advance me any payments and then reclaim them from him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/10/2024 13:54

He sounds like my exh. Definitely uses silence for power. Retains DS’s property and won’t return it or communicate about it.

Drives me made even though I know all the advice I’d be likely to get (ignore etc)

spanieleyes22 · 10/10/2024 13:56

I did try and start a cms claim but it blocked me once I said he was in rep of ireland 🙈

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spanieleyes22 · 10/10/2024 13:57

I would to ask ds not to visit him . Or say to ex that unless he engages with me ds won't be visiting him.

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spanieleyes22 · 10/10/2024 13:57

Sorry I meant I'd love to ask ds lot to visit him

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TheCultureHusks · 10/10/2024 14:02

Take advice on the Ireland thing with CMS?

DS is old enough to hear some home truths. No, I wouldn’t fund him going. I’d sit him down and say, this is how it is. He’s stopped paying maintenance, and while I’m not going to slag your dad off to you and I understand that he’s your dad and you love him, these are the facts. I’m now down by X amount because he hasn’t contributed for X months. You know I’ve had to stop this sport. I’ve also had to borrow money for rent. I’ve been trying to speak to your dad and he’s refused to. I tried to talk to him last night and he laughed - at both of us. I don’t have any money to pay for you to go and see him. I didn’t want to drag you in to this and that’s why I hoped that he would at least talk to me yesterday. What do you think we should do?

Don’t fall into the trap of letting an abusive shit control the narrative so as to not ‘hurt’ your children. He’s already doing that, you owe it to them to set some of the record straight.

GhostCicada · 10/10/2024 14:06

I think you have to try and separate out your relationship with your ex and your sons. Your son is 15,he can have contact with his dad independent of you. If he is going to see his dad they can arrange it. Just step back completely. I understand that he owwes you money but if you can't force him to pay then there isn't much you can do there.

Children usually realise at some point if their parents are wasters. My friends ex was similar, her son saw his dad inconsistently. When the son turned 18 he had a massive row with his dad over how he had behaved over the years and hasn't spoken to him since that was about 5 years ago.

He can only get to you if you let him.

TheCultureHusks · 10/10/2024 14:06

spanieleyes22 · 10/10/2024 13:56

I did try and start a cms claim but it blocked me once I said he was in rep of ireland 🙈

You can claim. Look up REMO countries - where a reciprocal CM arrangement is in place. Republic of Ireland is on this list. Then this is the guidance -

Using silence for power
TheCultureHusks · 10/10/2024 14:09

Reading a bit around it - it seems it might be tricky if you didn’t already have a CMS order before he moved. But I’d definitely take advice if you can. I would think that details of the private arrangement, so proof of payments, would be a start point?

AW24 · 10/10/2024 14:13

I don't understand why you're still trying to make contact with him. He's made his position clear.
Why are you still expecting him to answer to you?
He's a loser, will grow very old and very alone.

Don't live outside your means- enjoy your children without the shape of an absent father.
Just tell the children a little fib that saved them any heart ache.
Maybe just tell them dads taking a wee break and will be back in touch when he feels he's able

spanieleyes22 · 10/10/2024 14:29

AW24 · 10/10/2024 14:13

I don't understand why you're still trying to make contact with him. He's made his position clear.
Why are you still expecting him to answer to you?
He's a loser, will grow very old and very alone.

Don't live outside your means- enjoy your children without the shape of an absent father.
Just tell the children a little fib that saved them any heart ache.
Maybe just tell them dads taking a wee break and will be back in touch when he feels he's able

Im just so broke im desperate. Am living on coins from under the sofa . Am going nowhere as I can't afford petrol. Am not eating dinner myself just saving everything for ds. I know I need to get things under control and cut back and I'm working on it .stupidly every month I think ah he will give me something this month. Wish I could block and delete him from our lives tbh.

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AW24 · 10/10/2024 16:32

spanieleyes22 · 10/10/2024 14:29

Im just so broke im desperate. Am living on coins from under the sofa . Am going nowhere as I can't afford petrol. Am not eating dinner myself just saving everything for ds. I know I need to get things under control and cut back and I'm working on it .stupidly every month I think ah he will give me something this month. Wish I could block and delete him from our lives tbh.

Aren’t you entitled to some sort of benefits? I’m sorry to hear you’re getting it tight.
could you afford to get a few hours in a local shop to work?

honestly, for your own sanity. forget him. x

spanieleyes22 · 10/10/2024 18:31

Yeh I work full time as an administrator. Ive always worked even when kids were tiny.

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