To be concerned about this financial issue involving manipulative siblings

[helloopossums]

Just to be clear, I am not in the UK, so legal/tax implications may be different.

My elderly DM's accountant recently advised her to wind up a self-managed pension fund which my DF oversaw while he was alive. Accountant's reasoning was that DM has a high income from other sources and does not need the pension income. It would be most tax efficient for her to liquidate the holdings and divide the proceeds between my siblings and I - there would be no tax payable on these 'gifts'.

This suggestion came as a surprise to me but I welcomed it because although we are comfortably off, we have had a lot of high costs lately, issues with damp, house repairs, DC going to university etc. My DBs have higher incomes and much younger dc. Between them, they have decided, for reasons known only to themselves, to do everything they can to prevent this distribution. They have insisted that this amount should remain 'part of the estate'. They have lied to DM, telling her that there would be tax implications (the accountant confirmed this wasn't the case). They have tried guilt-tripping, telling DM that she is dismantling our DFs years of hard work (also a bit silly, as DF had multiple other investments which will not be affected). They have repeatedly said that it is best to keep the estate intact.

My DM has stressed to all of us that she simply wants to divide the proceeds three ways but my DBs are sabotaging the process by ignoring her instructions (one needs to assist with paperwork/transfers relating to wrapping up the fund). They are making her anxious and stressed because she feels under pressure to do as they say but doesn't want to.

My DBs and I do not get on. I find them very selfish, shallow and money-oriented, they look down on me because I do not have a prestigious, ultra-high paying role (my career is perfectly respectable). They may also resent the fact that I and my family are closer to DM than they are, but this is mainly due to me making more of an effort.

AIBU to wonder whether this behaviour is elder abuse? What could DBs motivations be? And How should I respond?

Don't take some of these posts to heart OP. The problem is that we don't know the tax jurisdiction, your DB's motives (that you can't share because it would out you) nor previous behaviours.

What we do know is that your DM is proposing to do something that on the face of it benefits nobody except you. I get that we don't have the full picture. But the picture we do have is one where your DM is giving away some of her wealth for reasons that are a little difficult to understand.

You know the whole story, and you know you've not shared it on here. So don't be surprised if people post in response to only half the story.

If they’re being obstructive to thwart you it’s about control. Questioning your mother’s bank statements and purchases does suggest this.

Hi OP

Who is listed as executor(s) of your DMs estate? Is it your brothers? If so, do you think there's any chance they may be planning to try and cut you out after your DM has passed? It would then make more sense to keep the money in the estate.

We must assume the laws are different where you live because in England, if you try to liquefy more than 25% of your pension pot then they tax it.

I'd encourage your DM to get a second opinion on the pension, just to be completely sure of the accountant's recommendation, and if the 2nd opinion is the same, then support your DM with what she wants to do with her money. She also needs to stop allowing her sons to look at her bank statements. It's none of their business what she spends her own money on.

I am not super elderly but have noticed that one of my three has started talking to me in a patronising manner. I have pulled him up on it but it creeps back. It spills over into giving me advice I don’t want or need. I notice that I include him less and talk to the other two more.
I would suggest that you talk to your mother more, support her in being free of your overbearing and patronising brothers, concentrate more on enjoying her free time.
There is no need for the men in the family to control her money or comment on her spending , that is extremely patronising. Even if they are both independent financial advisers, their attitude stinks.

What is the final final will.

if they have more kids maybe they get more than 1/3 and you get less?

if that’s not it maybe they do literally have a valid reason.
id talk to them and say you want your Adam to not be so distressed can they explain the rationale

Just this, OP. You ask ‘What could DBs motivations be?’ but we can’t answer because we don’t have the (salient) information you have about them.

At the end of the day, it’s your mother’s decision and up to her whether to get into a confrontation with your brother who won’t do the paperwork.

This is a slightly weird problem but to be clear if this is a SIPP this is not part of your DM’s estate. SIPPs are trusts. So it doesn’t matter who the executor is the distribution of a SIPP is down to the trustees. Your mother’s accountant would only be recommending this course of action if your father had named you and your siblings as beneficiaries. Your father would only have done this under advice and with the idea that your mother could use the flexibility of a SIPP to pass the proceeds on to you & your siblings whilst she was alive if she didn’t need the funds. It is very odd that your siblings are blocking it, however, your mother can pass you your 1/3 and keep the rest! PS the income out of this would be taxable at your marginal rate of income tax if your father was over 75 when he died. Under 75 it is tax free. Always take advice on this kind of thing.

She is not in the Uk so tax implications might be different

It happened - so maybe your DBs question your motives too and why you are so keen that DM follows the accountant’s advice.

but frankly you have given little backstory nor motivations for your DBs so at this stage nobody knows. But doesn’t reflect well that you say they are selfish when you actually want and need the money most. DM should get a second opinion in either case.

It does sound like your DBs want to control your DM and her money. Possibly there is also some deep seated sexism involved as well. You, assuming you are female, are also to be controlled.

Do your DBs see themselves as 'head of the family' with your DM's estate seen as 'family money' or even still as your DF's money? Would they prefer to be in sole charge of your DM's money, dishing her out a small allowance like pocket money?

It's a miserly mind set. It isn't about enjoying wealth, it's about control and watching the pile get bigger.

My eldest DB is like this. He still sees my DM's money as 'Dad's money'. Dad died 30 years ago and didn't leave mum well provided for. But DB can't/won't see this. He is also obsessed with not allowing other DB to 'get his hands on dad's money'.

In our case, fate is solving the problem. DM is likely going into a care home of some sort soon. That will neatly dispose of all her money!

I'm not sure how this could be elder abuse.

It's not financial abuse as they are actually trying to get her to keep her money and refuse gifts.

As you have said you are not in the U.K. then does she actually need them to co-operate with the paperwork or can she just do it?

Objecting to one decision someone has made isn't abuse.

Do your DBs see themselves as 'head of the family' with your DM's estate seen as 'family money' or even still as your DF's money? Would they prefer to be in sole charge of your DM's money, dishing her out a small allowance like pocket money?
It's a miserly mind set. It isn't about enjoying wealth, it's about control and watching the pile get bigger.

Yes, this reflects the situation very closely.

Objecting to one decision someone has made isn't abuse.

It's more the pattern of behaviour. This is an example of the way that they have been actively trying to undermine her, ignore her wishes and thwart her autonomy. I know that she feels bullied by them because she frequently tells me about the things they say, and she has told me previously that she would happily cut one of them out altogether - I would never encourage that, and if anything I have actually defended them to her.

One of them is executor. There are some concerns around this and I feel that they've possibly showed their hand a bit with this latest situation.

Where your DM is, does 'executor' confer rights during your DM's lifetime?

If not, then just keep reminding your DM that she is allowed to make her own decisions and take whatever advice she wants.

I am currently having to remind my DB that my DM doesn't lack capacity simply because she does things he doesn't want her to do. Having capacity includes being allowed to be a bit daft sometimes.

You are probably right OP but people can only comment based on the information you give, although I appreciate why you don't want to give too much.
On one hand we have wealthy sons encouraging their Mum to keep her money and on the other we have a daughter who needs the money encouraging her Mum to give her some.
You can surely see how it looks?

Yes, absolutely. I can definitely see how it looks.

Would your DM consider adding you as a second executor? You’d have full visibility of what goes on during probate, assuming the processes work in a similar way to GB.

Hmm I don’t know OP. From all your posts, you’re the one that sounds grabby, so it’s really hard to agree that your siblings are being manipulative or abusive.

Executor of the will? They still have to do what the will says. Maybe they've persuaded her to leave everything to them in her will?

DM asked whether I'd like to be joint executor when her will was uopdated a few years ago after DF died. I said no because it was easier for my brother to manage alone. But I'm reconsidering that now.

The will divides everything evenly but there are some unwilliable elements - trusts which DMs accountant has warned could potentially be manipulated. I'm seeking legal advice about this.

Fair enough if you have that impression and I suppose I'm unlikely to convince you, but I'm not really grabby. DH and I have good jobs, we are comfortable: yes, when I was told there may be a lump sum I acknowledged it would be useful, but we can happily manage without it. I'm more worried about the way my brothers treat my mother because this goes beyond the money to things affecting her lifestyle, independence etc.