cut off some members of my family as they seem to always criticise my parenting ability

[BluntSheep]

I am a single parent with a 13 year old DD. Yes my first child and dad not around I raised alone with no help from any of my family and yet recently since my two sisters and their partners moved back here from abroad after many years I have began seeing them regularly again, however I really am upset how they constantly judge and make slight digs how I am a irresponsible parent and completely clueless and they accuse me of being a "fun mum" whatever that even means as they say I don't even do any "parenting". I'm at the end of my tether to the point I don't want to spend any time with them for a while.

When are they making these comments? Any context?

Depends. Are you letting your 13 yo roam the streets at night/message friends on Snapchat until 2am/drink cider?

Why are they saying that?

What relevant bits are you missing out?

Whenever they come around. They Make comments like "doesn't she have a bedtime" "is she allowed to just help herself to tea and chocolate like that without asking" "your let her go out in that outfit" "she is your daughter and you don't know where she is just that she is out"

Of course not, I mean she does have snapchat

pavlovs dogs. Every time they say something pointedly go no or low contact for a few weeks.

Not knowing where your daughter is could be worrying - do you think sometimes they have a point? If you and your daughter are confident that your parenting skills are keeping her safe then I'd develop a 'well, it works for us' approach and change the subject. Once you fall out and go NC, it's hard to come back from and, as a single parent, you might be grateful to have family around in the future. If, however, it really really bothers you then tell them to wind their necks in.

Well I've survived so far without having them around as they been living abroad the past 12 years. As for not knowing where my daughter is allow me to give some context, it was around 4 ish and she hadn't come home from school yet, and i was asked where she was and I said I'm not sure should be home soon. She sometimes attends after school clubs or goes to a friends to study after school so the first couple of hours after school I do not know where she is yes that's true. Please be honest, do you agree with them that this is "bad parenting"

I have 13 yo twins and they have Snapchat but leave phones downstairs at night. I have to mute their phones as other 13 yo friends are messaging all hours, in the park until 10.30pm.

Dd3’s best friend’s mum says “oh you can’t really tell them to go to bed at this age and I can’t ask her to give up her phone. She just wouldn’t!” I was stunned. I absolutely tell my 13 yo to get to bed and I ask them to leave phones downstairs. Never once have they argued but they knew the rule when they got their phones. Honestly, I’m stunned by some parenting I see.

In you situation, just go with “oh, do you think? Hmmm it works well for us…” then ignore.

I have a 14 year old. If she’s staying for a club or going off to a friend’s house then she would let me know.

She sometimes attends after school clubs or goes to a friends to study after school so the first couple of hours after school I do not know where she is yes that's true. Please be honest, do you agree with them that this is "bad parenting"

Well it's not great, might be an idea to ask her to drop you a quick text.

I'm a fairly hands off parent but I always wanted to know roughly where they were.

I’m guessing they have no idea what it’s like to parent a teenager.

I would expect a 13 year old to let me know if she's going to a friend's house or staying in an after school club. I wouldn't expect them to have to ask if they can have a drink or snack at that age. My kids didn't really have a set bedtime from 13ish, they usually went to bed when they were tired 10.30ish. Never had any problems with them getting up in the morning and they got school/homework done so I knew they were getting enough sleep. I don't think there's anything wrong with your parenting OP. I would tell you sisters to butt out and mind their own business! Are their kids perfect? Are they perfect parents?

Perish the thought, but if she hadn't got home by 8pm one night, and you then reported her missing, would you feel like a good parent when you couldn't say where she'd been since school finished? Would you be able to look the Officer in the eye and say 'I'm a good parent'?

She sometimes attends after school clubs or goes to a friends to study after school so the first couple of hours after school I do not know where she is yes that's true. Please be honest, do you agree with them that this is "bad parenting"

Surely you know which days she goes to which clubs? Does she always go to them on those days and then come straight home? If so, I would say that's fine. If you don't know where she should be, because she goes "sometimes" then yes, that's "bad parenting". At 13 you should know where she is after school. A quick text letting you know she's going to so-and-so's to do her homework would suffice.

Unless your daughter is failing at school and has shown to be untrustworthy, I would ignore them. Even more so when they don’t know your child and haven’t been around at all.

I was hanging out at school with friends and for clubs, riding my bike all over at her age and as long as I had done my homework, chores, and back before dark, they weren’t fussed. My grades and teacher reports were good and they saw me in the evenings. This was all before I was given a mobile.

I expect DD to text me when she changes location. She doesn't have to ask for permission but she does have to let me know where she is. So I'll get "going to Sarah's house", "popping to one stop then going to the beach with Leila" etc. and I do the same to her.

Access to tea that's fine, I buy DD her own treats and she has control of when she eats them but when they are gone they are gone.

Outfits need to be weather appropriate.

It does help that we saw a teenager get hit by a speeding car in an awful accident and the friend she was with didn't know how to get jn touch with her mum (girl was air lifted and I believe made a good recovery) and DDs friends were with us so they are all very good at letting parents know where they are heading and have all parents numbers too.

I don't think it's great that you don't know where your daughter is. Can't she just text you to say where she's going after school every night?

I have a dd about the same age as your dd. I am
not a particularly strict parent but we do have very clear rules/expectations around safety. So yes, I do expect to know where she is when she is out and about. I can also check her phone location as we both have iPhones.

I make it very clear that it isn’t because I don’t trust her but as her parent, it is my job to make sure that she is safe. It is other people I don’t trust.

I don’t think that you are a bad parent @BluntSheep but I do think you are being naïve. Your dd is only 13 and even if she is incredibly sensible, she is still vulnerable at that age to outside influences/ manipulation of all sorts.

I’d expect to know where she is at 13. Either at friends, school club or at the park.

It is not great that you do not know where DD is after school I would and do expect my 15 year DD to let me know where she is and if her plans have changed.

This is the expectation and not a one - off it is the same with her mobile and bedtime. Her mobile is downstairs @21:30.

Of course, she hates it and I am the only Mum doing this blah blah blah, she may think she is an adult, but she isn't and it's my job to parent her that means making decisions that she does not always like, but I am her Mother and not her best friend!

No, that’s not bad parenting. It’s giving your daughter age-appropriate independence which is good for her.
Tell your family to fuck off and keep doing what you are doing. You know your daughter better than they do

At 13 she should be telling you roughly her after school plans. A quick text with what where and until when. "With sarah at the park til dinner"

Agree with most posters that she should let you know where she is going after school . As for the outfits, it depends what it is .