That’s what answer machines are for - AIBU?

[TryingToBeNiceButFailing]

I think this is more of a rant.

I’ve just worked the last 5 days, long shifts. Out at 0700, back at 1930.

I’m tired. I’ve got things to do. Admin, laundry, shopping, cooking, school drop offs. DH does do his share just to add.

I also try to keep fit.

So, got up at 0600, did chores, dropped DC at school, went to a class this morning. Just before I walk through the door of the class my phone starts ringing. It’s my elderly parent. I can’t take it as I’ll be late. They leave a message.

Leave the class and need to do a shop (2 places), then I went to the tip. I’m tipping the grass into the dumpster and my phone starts ringing. I can’t take it. They leave a message. That’s 2 calls in 2 hours.

Got back, quick shower, go to meet someone for coffee. Phone starts ringing, I don’t take it.

I know at this point I appear really rude, but these phone calls last 45 mins to 1.5 hours. I need to be in a place where I can sit down or put headphones on.

So, it’s 4pm, I’ve had 4 phone calls, and 4 increasingly annoyed messages. I’ve got to go pick up my DC from school.

I know IABU not to address the call, but I’ve been away from my house for 5 full days, I’m knackered, I’ve got shit to do, and my phone ringing all the time stresses me out.

At 5pm ish I can call them and we can talk. However in the meantime AIBU to think that if you call someone and leave a non urgent VM, they’ll call you back. There’s no need to chase me up. I’ve tried answering and saying “I’ll have to call you back” but it turns into a 15 min phone call.

FYI parent is not lonely or got dementia. Just demanding!

I put my phone on silent if I'm not free to talk. Or you can put a do not disturb on for certain people.

They just keep on ringing me and ringing me and ringing me until I answer. Then it’s a 45 min to 1.5 hour chat about what they’ve been up to.

This is nearly every day. I try to call them when I can do something else at the time because I can’t afford 1.5 hours every day. I call on the way from home as I can’t get in from work at 7.30 and have these chats at night. I’m too tired.

I just want to scream “”FFS I’m F*CKING BUSY” I’ll call you later, but that’d be heartless.

Could you quickly text and say you can't talk now but will call back at X time?

Why don’t you just pick up ,and say that unless it is urgent you will call them back .

Dear god, nearly every day?

I'd give them two times a week when I'm happy to talk and block thrm outside those times.

Can you schedule a time?
Me and my mum have done that.
She still.sends a quick text "are you in if I ring?" first just incase I'm not home.
If on the rare occasion I don't feel like chatting I might fib and text back "at the supermarket.....ring you later". Naughty me.

I used to phone my dad at the exact time/ day that way it was routine, any chance you can establish a routine?

This would suffocate me, every day? It's far too much and totally blind to how busy you are. The constant ringing would really wind me up "I demand you talk to me right now!!"

They aren’t good at texting or WhatsApp, that’s part of the problem.

I’m really busy. I went out at 0720, I’ve been back to my house twice to get things/ drop shopping and it’s now 4.30 and I’m in for the night now, except for making dinner. I’ve got laundry and ironing to do.

It’s my day off. I don’t get to sit around at weekends doing nice stuff, I work a lot of them.

I’m tired, and I don’t get to relax when I’m off. The only time I get a break from these calls is when I’m on holiday and I refuse to speak to anyone unless is an emergency.

I would always answer a call from my elderly parent unless I'm in a meeting. You don't know if they've had a fall etc. I'd particularly answer if I'm just going into an exercise class. My parent is my priority and may need me!

HOWEVER, I'd answer the call VERY quickly and say something like "I'm just going into a meeting, are you OK? If so I'll ring you tonight. Sorry, got to go"! I'd then hang up.

That takes about 30 seconds and is far less hassle than ignoring calls all day!

The annoying calls from your elderly parents won't last forever. One day, if they are elderly, sooner rather than later, the calls will stop. One day you too will be the elderly parent wanting to speak to the grown-up child you love and hopefully you'll be understanding if they scream at you ”FFS I’m F*CKING BUSY”

For everyone saying just pick up the phone, this is in the opening post

"I’ve tried answering and saying “I’ll have to call you back” but it turns into a 15 min phone call"

I have this with a relative, they just cannot accept you will ring them back so now we no longer answer. Despite telling them time and time again that we eat dinner at a certain time they always ring as we have put two forkfuls of food into our mouths. Yes I know they eat at 5pm but Dh isn't even home from work at that point.

Just because some is free doesn't mean the person they are calling is free. It isn't heartless OP to tell them that you are busy. It is fact.

Time for you to say "Do you realise that you phoned me 5 times today, left 4 increasingly rude and irate messages and what you want to discuss during these phone calls is how your day is going? Please can you consider me unavailable for calls between 7am and 7pm and if you call once and leave me a message I will get back to you? Don't I always??"
Have you tried answering and immediately hanging up, like there is something wrong with your phone? Then block their number or put their number into the list that is for VIP's only and then also use the Apps > Phone > Respond with text to let her know that you're busy right now but you'll call her back later.

This would drive me doolally to be honest. I mean even if she is an elderly relative that doesn't have the active life you currently have, perhaps reminding them how busy you can get might jog their memories - many things are pulling on your time and you only have so much time to yourself (which is allowed) and this relative is taking up a lot of time and also causing you a lot of stress.

Can’t you just phone now and say you can’t chat long, you’re making dinner and going on MN?

I don't know how feasible this would be but I think you need a face to face with this relative and not do it over a phone call. Sit down with a breakdown of today for example, how you left the house at X time and include when she phoned you but you were either busy with grass clippings or collecting a child or going to a class and ask her exactly when she thought it would be a good time for you to stop what you were doing and give her over an hour of your time. Throw in that you still have to make dinner and do ironing etc and before you know it the day is gone and you're getting ready for bed.

Sometimes when you've been out of the rat race for any length of time, you can forget just how busy it can be.

I was going say that you are unreasonable not to pick up and tell them you’ll call later then I saw your update

It must be unbearable having one hour phone calls daily with your parents. Especially having DC, a busy job with long hours. I only get about an hour to myself a night if that, I can’t imagine spending that on the phone to my parents every night

Set boundaries
one long call a week on x day to catch up

I put the phone on speaker and let dm waffle on. I make noises like mmm, oh nice every now and then. I do not listen because like you I have shit to do. I'm usually in the kitchen or emptying the washing machine.

Don’t worry, I’m just about to call.

I needed to hoover, put another wash on and put dryer on. At 6pm I need to start dinner. Got 1 hour now and doing ironing and putting on speaker phone.

Did I mention that whilst hoovering I got another call.

🤪

Op you are allowed to set boundaries

doesn’t matter if it’s husband, family, work or friends

Hoovering obviously not important but dog brought loads of mud in house and kids will work it into carpet if not dealt with immediately.

I would probably send a text message saying sorry busy getting loads of chores done today will ring you when DC are in bed - just so they don't worry

How old is your parent @TryingToBeNiceButFailing ?

I sympathise.

The worst is when you call her back and find out she actually just wants to tell you that Mavis has bought some new petunias, for two hours.

I couldn’t leave an elderly parent unanswered like this. What if they had a fall? I can’t see why you can’t pick-up, have a ten min chat and then say ‘Right Dad it’s been lovely catching up, but I’m about to meet Suzy for coffee. I’ll ring you on Thursday evening. Love you. Bye.

An elderly parent needs to have a solution for their life that doesn't require instant response from the daughter

No one should ring repeatedly -after you left a message it's very rude to keep phoning

This day and age it's pretty rude not to text a message through after trying to phone if it is critical - the 80 and 90 year olds in my family can manage so age is being used as an excuse

If this was critical then the story about the boy who cries wold springs to mind