My daughter is too kind

[Imjustlikeyou]

I (admittedly a bit of a people pleaser and desperately bad at confrontation) have brought my daughter (5) up to be kind, considerate of others, just a hopefully decent member of our future society…

But I fear I have gone too far the other way. She gets so, so upset if she thinks she’s upset someone else. She holds herself to such high standards, if she loses her temper she gets disappointed with herself and really upset (even though I tell her anger is a perfectly normal human emotion and she’d be a robot if she didn’t feel it!) She will always put other people first even if they don’t ever reciprocate it, ever.

So many examples but basically, how do I teach my daughter to respect herself as much as everyone else? To have her own healthy boundaries and not be taken advantage of?

It really makes me so sad to see her taking on this mental load at such a young age and I hate myself for basically teaching her this in the name of kindness.

Genuinely don’t know how to undo this, would appreciate any advice? Thank you.

It's probably just a big part of her nature.

I have 3 DS and my middle one was (and at 25, still is) very much like this.

I've never 'blamed' myself or her dad for it and he's completely different to his two brothers anyway.

Slow steps, she's only 5 and as she grows she'll understand the negative effect she can sometimes have on herself, while thinking too much about others.

I'll tell you. People are just thinking about themselves. Not her
I used to blush the whole time I was a teenager. thinking it was all about me
No. They aren't. Tell her to relax about scrutiny
She will come to realise it's true

Tell her it is important to be kind, but most important to be kind to yourself.

You could use examples of when you’ve put yourself first and tell her about them: “Molly, today aunty Jane asked me for a lift but I decided I was going to put myself first because I’m important too so I had to say no”. Explain how wonderful “no” is and not to be afraid of using it. Keep modelling examples of you looking after yourself and setting boundaries. Tell her you find it hard but you’re trying to get better at it. She can help you too. Be vulnerable and open with her.

@OhBumBags I do agree. She has 2 siblings who are not like this, she is just like me 30 years later… I just want her to put herself first, and kindness a very close second!

@Theextraordinaryisintheordinary i will try to do this, it feels achievable rather than some big grand speech that probably won’t make much impact!

I saw this only half joking. Get a cat, let her observe the cat

@Sleepymogster 🤣🤣 be more… cat.

My youngest is like this. She's a teenager now and still the same. I worry because she forgives people at the drop of a hat, never sees the bad in people etc BUT it's the way she is and I don't want to ruin who she is if that makes sense because it also means she's funny, generous, outgoing and gentle. I just hope experience will help her weed out the dickheads as she' ages and if not I'll hunt them down

Can you start teaching her to stand up for herself, regardless of what others want (even if that goes against your own nature)