Let down when life got tough

[Hereforthekickz]

4 months ago my DD had a fall which resulted in a severe traumatic brain injury.
Life since then has been ICU twice, end of life care twice but he is so strong and he made it through. He has been in a nursing home for the last 2 weeks. He is PEG fed, has reduced mobility and is severely confused most of the time.

I am not an only child as he has an adopted son who lives 3 hours away. The relationship isn’t great although they tolerate one another. My DM and DD are divorced after 34 years but get along. My DD has 4 siblings all living in close proximity to the nursing home.

I am my Dads advocate and next of kin and I am doing everything I can to help and support him and it’s a tough ride. I appreciate my DD in ways I could never imagine. He has fought so hard and I am in awe of him.

I have several issues I can’t seem to shake though I am trying to push past them.

Relatives visited infrequently whilst DD in hospital and I stayed in touch giving updates. I am not close with DDs siblings and haven’t seen them for years but DD often went fishing with his brothers. No one has been to visit DD for a while now and one brother keeps calling me to give him an update. I am upset by this for myself and my DD. Should I stop taking the calls and tell them they can visit or call the home for updates? I can’t keep being the messenger and there is no reason I am aware of for them not visiting. I know it’s hard because I struggle but sometimes you have to put your feelings to one side for the sake of others.

My best friend of 16 years hasn’t been the support I thought she would be. She sends text messages asking how I am but has never called me. I replied to the last message and admitted that I was really struggling. She didn’t reply for 2 weeks and when she did it was just to ask how I was doing again. She has sent me pictures of her holidays, new nails etc but I don’t think she really gets it. I have told her a few times that I am finding dealing with everything so very difficult but she just replies with a short sentence - “I can imagine”. I feel like my problems are a problem for her! It’s not convenient. I tell her things are not good and she sends me an advertisement for a function in London with a caption “this looks good”! I just wasn’t expecting this from my closest friend. AIBU? I don’t want to invest in this relationship anymore.

My DM came with me every day to ICU at first but she needed a lot of emotional support. DM is very self absorbed, borderline covert narcissist. My DDs illness became a playground for her to get her needs met. After some time, it all became too much and she stopped visiting him. It allowed me to deal with my feelings and I breathed for the first time. Since DDs illness, DM has also taken ill and been hospitalised which she admitted, was lovely as she was being taken care of! She has now had her fill of attention and is feeling great and wants to come with me to visit DD again in the NH. I am dreading it!! I am already thinking up excuses.

I don’t get along with my half brother since he told me not to contact him again when I didn’t reply to his text message. He is like DM and a difficult person who has managed to ostracise everyone who mattered in his life. Regardless of that, nothing serious has happened between us, we just don’t get along too well. He has never reached out to me when he found out about DD accident or when we lost my FIL last year. I just find this so hurtful that I must be such a horrible person that another human can’t extend their sympathy to another. I would have been on the phone in a heart beat. It just makes me feel so sad that people are so wrapped up in their own lives, they can’t try to understand what someone might be going through. I have never felt so let down in all my life and I just can’t move on. I want to tell them all what I think of them.

Thanks for listening ❤️

I’m sorry to hear about you DD and the impact it’s had on you ❤️‍🩹

Has your DD expressed a wish to see any family (if he is able)?

TBH I think some people struggle seeing family deteriorating. It is upsetting and people dislike reminders of their own mortality.

Regarding your friend, I always feel it’s best to give people the benefit of doubt. Could she be suggesting a night out because she thinks you need a distraction? You’re right, she probably doesn’t understand what you are going through. Your DD split and relationships with his other children and family makes your position very isolating. As such it seems like you probably need your friend more than ever. Have you called her? She might just think you are really busy with everything you’ve got going on?

It might be worth getting some therapy to talk through these feelings. Wishing you and your Dd all the best 🌻

Some rels step up and others don't - cant be arsed My sister never did
I spent a year of my life driving up and down the M4
What can you do

I’m so sorry OP

Im also stunned by how useless people can be in these situations

recently it’s got so bad I have wondered if they put a load of “uncaring” chemicals in the water (yes I’m joking but it does show how prevalent it is).

You say “I must be such a horrible person that another human can’t extend their sympathy to another.”

it is NOT you. You are not horrible.

btw I also had a friend who was determined I should go out to a new bar when I was at my father’s bedside. It is ridiculous. I wasn’t overwhelming her with info as it was clear she couldn’t cope. But she actually tried to pressure me. That friendship was not a loss.

I can only say sorry and sending hugs if wanted. 💐

@Hep1989 unfortunately DD lacks mental capacity and I don’t even know if he knows who we are as such. Although, he talks about his siblings when I visit and it’s mostly in a negative way. Maybe he does know they don’t visit. It’s so important to a person with a severe brain injury to have this stimulation with people that are familiar to them. It helps with his cognition and also selfish or not, it would help me if I knew someone else was going. I have a young family and I feel terrible if I can’t go regularly. If I knew he was getting other visitors I could rest a little easier when I couldn’t go (like this week because I have been unwell).

As for my friend, I would always give her the benefit of doubt but I was already questioning this relationship before DDs accident. Maybe we have grown apart. We don’t see each other that often and when we do, it’s all about her and how much money she is spending. I am totally the opposite and I definitely don’t want to hear about it now!

Thanks @EmeraldRoulette I absolutely understand that some people can’t handle it. They start worrying about their own lives and mortality. So have I, many times and cried leaving the hospital and NH too many times. I have had days where I couldn’t get out of bed but I still showed up for DD and I still took calls from his siblings and kept them informed.

I have sat and listened to my friend for hours talking about her fabulous holidays and how much money she has and how many designer handbags she bought. In the midst of all this chaos she still sent me pictures of her view by the poolside and she shared “great news” when she submitted her form for part time working. I have told her so many times that I am really struggling but I don’t think she is that interested. She doesn’t really ask me anything. She just asks enough to appear polite. She offers to meet up then gives me a limited number of days she can do as she is busy! So over it!!

@Hereforthekickz I think with some people there is a genuine issue of them being unable to cope with being supportive, for a range of reasons. Thinking about mortality will be just one of them.

However, I do think with some other people, they only consider friends as being worth having for the good stuff e.g. finding a new bar to go to, finding someone who wants to listen to all their fun news (which I still will when there’s hard stuff going on - because it’s nice to know that the good parts of life are still happening and we want friends to be happy). But it sucks when they don’t even vaguely care about the tough stuff.

I completely see why you are feeling like you are so over it with that person!

you've got lot on your shoulders.

Have you got the emotional strength to ask/tell your dad's siblings to visit him.

Maybe there's a slim chance they think you don't want them there.

I had similar behaviour from a friend of 20+ years ...I dumped her.

wishing you the strength to cope OP

The problem is not you. You are surrounded by people who aren't really stepping up when needed.
You are the only one who is not horrible OP.

I would tell the relatives who call you that they should go see him for themselves. It's too much for you to do everything alone and you know it would mean alot to him. If they still won't book after that, what more can you possibly do.

@EmeraldRoulette I totally agree with your comments. My friend is one of those people that only wants talk to you when it’s about the fun stuff. She wants to meet up to do something fun and she has a very, very busy life. I am happy to do this and have sat for hours listening and not really talking about me or my life. When I have talked about me such as when we moved house and we were excitedly doing it up, she wasn’t really interested as DIY isn’t her thing. She checked her phone for messages while I spoke and interrupted. She cuts the conversation down if it’s not interesting to her.
Before this happened to DD I was starting to realise something was off. I would come away from a meeting feeling aggravated and drained. Walking around a shop telling me everything she has bought, telling me which handbags her well off friend has at home.
Instead of talking about my life, I began to withdraw. I could see no point in talking about my life so I didn’t. She has a need to be perfect and she constantly tries to justify her spending to me.
When she talks to me about a problem she is having, I try to help by offering advice or solutions but as I am talking she is constantly interrupting saying “yes, I know”. She doesn’t need me. She just likes the thought of me as a friend because I have no boundaries.
The angry part of me wants to play her at her own game and do some unapologetic bragging because I bet any money she would not like that and I probably wouldn’t hear from her again. I always feel like the underdog, poor relation after our meet ups!

I would like to tell his siblings that they should contact the NH to get information in future. I can’t control them or what they do so I guess telling them they should visit him is a bit futile. All I know is that I am doing my very best and that I have no regrets. They may have to live with the decisions they make. DD is only in the NH for 28 days whilst the assess him. After this time, I can choose which NH DD goes to. It doesn’t have to be where he is now. I won’t be basing this decision on where his siblings would like him to be. It will be based on what is best for DD.

so sorry OP
what a challenging situation
sending you strength 💐