AIBU to want to cut contact with my parents?

[tiantian1005]

Could do with some advice here. I will start by saying I am the only child and my parents have worked insanely hard to give best life they could, for that I will always be grateful. They paid for my education and gave me a very large house deposit (I have been financially independent otherwise) - I know I am extremely blessed.

Problem is I can not stand my dad and the older I get the less I can tolerate him. He never ever helped around the house to the extend that he shows up at dining table when everything laid out for him and leaves immediately after he finishes without trying to help tidying (my parents both worked before retirement its not like my mum should by default be doing everything which she does). I know this sounds rude but he is just lazy. He spends all his time on hobbies and hanging out with his mates after retirement. Fine this is up to my mum as she does all the work for him but the 2 things below are affecting me:

So I never met anyone more short tempered than he is, often shouts at me and my mum in public places over silly things such as which shop to go into next. Lost counts of time he shouts at me in front other families including my husband and my daughter.

NEVER any positivity or happiness coming from him - its either criticism or harsh comments. He has brought me more anxiety and stress than rest world combined. Since I became parent myself I just can not imagine treating my daughter this way! Recent years I started fighting back when he loses temper and started asking him to help my mum with housework - his standard answer is I should pay his money back I don't even know how this is related. Also seeing how hands on my husband is, I really question whether my dad loves me.

If I try to invite my mum over or go out with my mum alone, my mum HAS to bring him which I understand as he wants to see his only granddaughter but this has been making me so unhappy. I didn't contact them for a few months which I feel very bad about but my god I felt so freed from this anxiety that he would just randomly humiliates me in public. Should I just limit contact or insist on seeing my mum alone? Writing this just made me feel awful again as my mum is the loveliest person I know...

These sound like very embedded old habits for your Dad and Mum. Realistically, your Mum is not going to disrupt the routine and expect different/more from her spouse, and she cannot change him. Your Dad is unlikely to change either, no matter how much you push and share your expectations: you cannot parent him through this. Also, their dynamic and relationship isn't really for you to judge. For better or for worse, it works: the relationship has endured, they have given you a materially great start in life even if the parenting model wasn't ideal. Is your Mum unhappy?

What I can hear is the anxiety your Dad provokes for you. You measure your own relationship by the one you watched growing up and the difference feels uncomfortable to witness. If you were your Mum, you would not have allowed these patterns and expectations to become established. She may well be of a generation where such patterns and expectations were the norm, they are not the norm now. You are different people, and none of you are wrong or right as it doesn't sound like your Dad's habits have developed out of malice.

I would not suggest going non-contact for the sake of your relationship with your Mum, but I think you need to find a way to let go of your expectations of your Dad. If you have noticed that his behaviours seem to be getting worse or his emotional volatility more pronounced, it may be worth considering if he's at the start of a journey with dementia too.

You can make like Elsa and Let It Go, and there is nothing wrong with seeking some talking support to work this out and find some ways to tolerate his trickier behaviours without it descending into fights and going NC.

I would limit contact and try to see your mum by herself. Maybe shopping? Or the garden centre for coffee? Cutting them out of your life completely seems extreme under the circumstances. Remember they are the product of their upbringing and by your own admission have done their best for you. That's so much more help and support than a lot of people have.

Your parents dynamic is similiar to my parents. My DF has never cooked, cleaned or done any 'admin', but saying that he worked very hard and did all the overtime he could to bring money in. My DM, who was capable of a well paid job, just faffed about in very part time jobs happy to do the cooking and cleaning. Their roles were clearly defined and it worked for them. I think when they retired, we all noticed that DF carried on expecting tea on the table when he was ready, he's not going to change now and my DM is happy to run about after him. I'm horrified that my DM can't even go to the supermarket without my DF. It's definitely a generation thing and I know my DF won't change. I keep my visits very short.

How was your childhood? It sounds like your parents paid for things - did you feel loved? Did they do things with you? Has your father always been like this, and what was your mum's response to it?
(Trying to ascertain whether this is a long ingrained pattern, or might be something temporary)

You can go NC for any reasons you choose, however, in your circumstances I don’t think I would.
Is he abusive when he is being short-tempered? Insulting? Demeaning? Because if he is, then that is different and does warrant no contact.
If he’s just a bit stroppy and snappy I think you should detach from it in an eye roll kind of way and say something like ‘that’s enough, I’m leaving if you continue to speak to me like that’.
Or you could sit them down and tell them the behaviour is upsetting you so much that you are prepared to go NC if it continues and follow through with the threat if it does continue.

Maybe approach this with your mum and say you wish to keep contact with your father to an absolute minimum. Going out for lunch every 3-4 is the extent of contact with my father and that’s enough for me. He’s not like your dad but he’s seriously hard work, very intense, doesn’t have a sense of humour and generally isn’t great to spend time with. I just do my duties. Could something like this work for you? I don’t host him and I won’t go to his house after we had a massive falling out years ago when he screamed at me to fuck off and go home (I’d just driven an hour to his in torrential rain on Boxing Day) because I asked where his dog was as I came in; normally she’s at the door and wasn’t.

This arrangement works for us.

I'd insist on seeing mum alone. I'd not stop seeing mum, but when she insisted on bringing him, I'd tell her no, I don't want to see him. I don't want to be around him. I don't want him around DC.

I'd match his energy with every ounce of my being. When he mentions about paying back some old money given, mention it being his only contribution in your life, and you'll pay it back but that'll be you and him done. If that's all he has to throw in your face, he's clutching at straws, and that being his only retort other than aggression or anger is boring.

When he kicks off about not seeing your child, you're preserving her environment. He's belligerent, he's shouting, he's aggressive, his laziness, 👋 you're not bringing your child up to see those types of behaviour as acceptable in a household. And as such you're not accepting those behaviours any more.

You're a parent now. You step up and be the parent you want your child to have.

Firstly I don't think you can state that you've been even remotely financially independent with that amount of help.

But in terms of your dad, just limit contact to a couple of times a year. He definitely won't change.

This is brilliant advice.
Important to remember what your parents have done for u too OP. Financial deposit for a house is a biggie and loving childhood

I'd shout back at him, he's a bully, and bullies only understand their own methods.

Likewise, in adulthood I have returned funds given the minute there was any attempt at emotional blackmail.

However the correct response is " I'm not responsible for your parental decisions when I was a child" on repeat.

Well if it's causing you this level of anxiety, then you are perfectly sensible is cutting yourself free.

However, it really is not your place to lay down rules for your parents' marriage!!!

It's a generational thing. I am a 60s child and (like many girls born of that decade) all my early play centred around the wendy house and playing and mummies, daddies and babies!

Consequently, i'd already decided by at least age 7 that all i wanted to do was grow up, get married and have babies! In fact i did go to uni and have a brief career but, once my kids were born, we had an arrangement that DH would be the breadwinner and i would give up my career and do everything else.

Of course, this suited us both perfectly well. I wasn't a proper sahm as i soon re trained as a childminder and also did all our household finances so not the very subserviant 50s housewife but almost.

Now - i get very annoyed if DH tries to help me with housework - i feel undermined as if he has noticed something i have not done or that he is taking my role off me. I would not walk into his job and start 'helping' him so why should he come into 'my' kitchen and start faffing about?!

So this is very different to the modern way of doing things, but to us oldies it seemed very sensible. None of the childcare worries and stress. Husbands that can just go to work and come home to happy kids, all the house done and a meal on the table. And, for me, i got to see my kids grow up (and no career trumped that for me as i had been looking forward to that since i was a little girl!!) and my job was the home so i did not mind doing all of that in exchange for the huge benefit to me of being at home.

Maybe your mum feels the same as i do?! Is she a 60s girl too?

And - with your Dad shouting - is this new? Could he be ill?

So - before cutting anyone out of your life, i would sit back and just try to see things through their eyes instead of your own.

They might well be happy.

All this.

Just match his anger and he'll soon learn to tow the line.

What you're describing isn't particularly unusual I think. My DM also likes taking her inner demons out on me. Only way to deal with it is to show you won't be bullied by bullying them right back.

How old are your parents OP?
It sounds as though they are around the same age as my parents.

Both parents worked, mam part time and dad full time shift worker.
Mam makes all the meals, made extravagant lunches for my dad to take to work, all the housework, most of the childcare (dad sometimes looked after us for a couple of hours when mam was at work) and in their 60s the dynamic has never changed.

My dad would look after grandchildren by himself etc and wouldn't know how to make a meal or clean a house.

My in laws are the same and my friends parents.

They think it is marvellous that my husband cares for his own daughter and cooks some meals and even a little housework!
I am told I'm lucky!
I've told my parents I couldn't function in a marriage like theirs.
I work more hours than my mam but still do most of the childcare etc.

They've been married 40odd years.

Their marriage has nothing to do with me and they have nothing to do with my marriage.

I agree with @DefyingDepravity

That should have said wouldn't look after grandchildren by himself

@Anisty
Now - i get very annoyed if DH tries to help me with housework - i feel undermined as if he has noticed something i have not done or that he is taking my role off me. I would not walk into his job and start 'helping' him so why should he come into 'my' kitchen and start faffing about?!

My mam is exactly the same as you! She gets annoyed with my dad if he takes a 'job' from her that she has been doing for 40odd years

Keep visits short and only go in for a cup of tea and leave. Stop meeting in public places and pencil in one visit a month - short and sweet.