To be disgusted at my body?

[PurpleJammyDodgers]

At age 39. I feel like over the past two years, my body has changed beyond recognition. I looked in the full length mirror when changing earlier and was disgusted.
Large pot belly
Cellulite
Flat chested
Weird looking indented knees
Stumpy looking body in general which I guess is what a 5'3 9 stone 7 body looks like

Then we get onto the face.
Long and thin nose
Thin lips
Thinning hair with some grey hairs.

I walk 10k steps a day (despite having RA). I don't drink or smoke.
I want to find someone to live out my later years with but who on earth would want me ? I didn't think things would go downhill so quickly.

Did anyone else notice a change at this age?

Oh, OP, I so sympathise. I gained a lot of weight after a serious illness when I was 40, which also affected some of the muscle tone in my face. I’m now 46. I see myself in the mirror and I can’t recognise this body I now have.

Things I do to make myself feel better include reading a bit about how to dress for the body I have (I now get compliments for my style, when I bother to get out of pyjamas!); avoiding most fashion and style magazines; working on being an interesting, kind, considerate person, and keeping in touch with family and friends. I have people who love me and who couldn’t give a damn that I’m now a size 18, have a droopy face, and have trouble walking properly since my illness. Knowing that those people exist is like armour: it doesn’t matter whether new people judge my appearance or not, because I know my worth is so much more than how I look.

But none of this is easy, and I still have to be careful not to fall into a pool of negative thoughts.

Someone who is put off by your looks doesn’t really want a companion for life; they want a very realistic sex doll. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you will be better off on your own than with someone who’s that shallow.

Mirrors reflect what you expect to see. If you look in the mirror with the hard gaze of your inner critic, inner saboteur, and all the worst things you imagine about yourself then you will see it. Full frontally, you will see it. And it will hurt.

If you look in the mirror and practice the gentle art of finding three things to compliment yourself on instead, then grace allows you to notice with positivity and to look again.

The truth is somewhere in between.

Everyone has a difficult body, truly. It is possible to love, worship, and adore all different kinds of bodies too: love and attraction are not defined by cellulite, the size of your boobs, or any other perceived fault.

You do not need to look like a magazine air-brushed, cinched, and svelte model to be someone's toe-curling, butterfly-inducing, goddess of awesome. Cut yourself some slack, hottie X

You have a healthy bmi.
Bodies change when you get older, and that's ok.
I'm slightly taller than you (not much) and love my 60kg body (10kg heavier than pre-pregnancy). Sure, there are some squidgy bits that weren't there before, but it is a healthy body. Like you, I walk a lot. I also run. My face looks more like my dad every day 🥴, I don't get IDd anymore and I definitely wouldn't turn heads, but I am happy and confident and that makes me feel good, even when my hair is up in a scruffy bun. Bodies take more maintenance as you get older. Keep moving it, stretch everyday, look after your skin with a good cleanser and some SPF. Make sure you are clean, and wear clean clothes. Guaranteed the world will see a beautiful, confident lady even if you don't like what you see in the mirror. We are out worst self critics. Live your life and don't let unimportant things take up your precious time