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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex gone awol

27 replies

spanieleyes22 · 08/10/2024 02:12

So my ex hasn't been in contact with me or ds or dd since 30 Aug. I've tried ringing and texting him. The messages are delivered but remain unread. Dd turned 21 last week. Nothing from him no text or phone call. He lives in Ireland and ds is going over on sat - he is staying with my parents and wanted to meet his dad but ex won't answer his calls or texts. I dunno what else I can do. Could I ask the police to do a wellness check? I don't have any of his friends or family's phone numbers any more. Am actually getting worried. He has a habit of ignoring me but he usually responds to the kids .

OP posts:
offyoujollywelltrot · 08/10/2024 02:16

Why bother? He's clearly checked out and can't be arsed. He's not going to be a benefit to his kids.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 08/10/2024 02:24

Yeh it's just hard to watch my ds being disappointed . He hasn't seen him in more than a year and this trip was ostensibly to see his dad even though my parents will be delighted to see him. Hard to watch . Plus I'm so broke . I know that's a separate issue but he hasn't given me any money for a few months. I realize I was relying on it too much.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 08/10/2024 02:45

Can you do some facebook stalking? See if he has posted anything?

And if not, can you find details of a member of his family and send a message saying kids are worried due to lack of contact and if they could let me know if he is ok, that would be appreciated. This is what I would do.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 08/10/2024 03:17

Rainbowqueeen · 08/10/2024 02:45

Can you do some facebook stalking? See if he has posted anything?

And if not, can you find details of a member of his family and send a message saying kids are worried due to lack of contact and if they could let me know if he is ok, that would be appreciated. This is what I would do.

Gosh I didn't think of that. He isn't on Facebook or anything

OP posts:
LadyMinerva · 08/10/2024 03:21

If this is out of the ordinary then yes, I would absolutely get a welfare check done.

Seashellssanctuary · 08/10/2024 06:06

offyoujollywelltrot · 08/10/2024 02:16

Why bother? He's clearly checked out and can't be arsed. He's not going to be a benefit to his kids.

Presented with the facts that is not the sole conclusion most including the OP would come to.

Why bother? Because he is the father to the OPs children. and finding out what's happened is better than not knowing

CrumpledBankNote · 08/10/2024 06:27

Police have a way of finding out addresses etc even if you don't know it op.

In the circumstances this is unusual, combined with the payments being stopped and no response to the kids, I would absolutely call the police for a welfare check in this situation.

cattywat · 08/10/2024 06:56

Yeah do a welfare check op

seven201 · 08/10/2024 12:26

Can your parents drive to his house to check? If he's out they can ask neighbours.

MissUltraViolet · 08/10/2024 12:30

Yeah, i'd push further and try find out what is going on just for the kids sake. Try do some social media stalking to find any of his family members, failing that then I would be contacting police to see if they can find him.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 08/10/2024 19:31

So just a little update - I had the idea to ring the priest this morning. Spoke to him tonight and explained my concern and he is going to call to the house tomorrow morning. It's very near the church. I don't know if ex will even open the front door though. Checked with ds again tonight and he rang and txt him again today but he noticed ex was online on WhatsApp. His txt was delivered but not read. Does that mean ex is looking at WhatsApp but just not clicking the messages? Want to give him benefit of the doubt but am wondering now has he just decided he doesn't want any contact

OP posts:
thistlepiedpiper · 08/10/2024 19:46

Checked with ds again tonight and he rang and txt him again today but he noticed ex was online on WhatsApp. His txt was delivered but not read. Does that mean ex is looking at WhatsApp but just not clicking the messages?

Yes that's what it means - sorry 😔

DeliciousApples · 08/10/2024 19:51

Wonder if he's skint and knows a 21st present would be expected by dc so is in hiding....

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 08/10/2024 20:04

DeliciousApples · 08/10/2024 19:51

Wonder if he's skint and knows a 21st present would be expected by dc so is in hiding....

Yeh I thought of this. It's heartbreaking seeing ds ringing and texting him. And seeing he is online.,

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 08/10/2024 21:00

thistlepiedpiper · 08/10/2024 19:46

Checked with ds again tonight and he rang and txt him again today but he noticed ex was online on WhatsApp. His txt was delivered but not read. Does that mean ex is looking at WhatsApp but just not clicking the messages?

Yes that's what it means - sorry 😔

Doesn't it just mean that his phone is working and accepted the message, but he hasn't read it?

thistlepiedpiper · 08/10/2024 21:44

He's been active, so he's looked at WhatsApp at whatever time it says 'last seen'. If the messages were sent before his last seen, and have two ticks that haven't turned blue then he's been on the app and not opened the messages

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 09/10/2024 12:43

Yeh depressing isn't it. How do y see if someone is online on WhatsApp. It doesn't show on my phone

OP posts:
Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 09/10/2024 15:14

So priest called in to ex and said he's absolutely fine and in good form. Time to accept he wants no contact . I actually am in shock I think. I've always gone out of my way to let him see the kids and keep up a relationship with them.

OP posts:
CandiedPrincess · 09/10/2024 15:21

Is there a chance he's going through something right now? Illness? Mental health crisis?

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 09/10/2024 16:12

CandiedPrincess · 09/10/2024 15:21

Is there a chance he's going through something right now? Illness? Mental health crisis?

I was worried but the priest called to his house today and rang to tell me he had a long chat with him and found him to be in good form

OP posts:
StMarieforme · 09/10/2024 16:23

offyoujollywelltrot · 08/10/2024 02:16

Why bother? He's clearly checked out and can't be arsed. He's not going to be a benefit to his kids.

Because he's the kids' dad? Because they need to see that Mum is a decent human being?

Good grief.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 09/10/2024 18:57

So he just phoned my son a bit earlier and I could hear ds talking on the phone so I went upstairs and asked for his phone and I asked ex why was he ignoring me and the kids calls and texts and he actually laughed . He laughed. I took the phone into my room so ds wouldn't hear and I asked him again and he just went silent. He was there I could hear him breathing but he wouldn't speak. I was polite i just said how come you've been ignoring my calls and texts. No answer. So I said his name a few times and asked him again and waited and eventually I hung up. I rang him back then straight away but he didn't pick up. Ds said he can meet him on Sunday when he's over visiting my parents. I really don't want him to but guess I can't really stop him. Ds saw I was upset. I think he was just embarrassed . Being a teenager ! I just said I was upset with the way his dad was behaving and he said yes he could see that. He said he was totally normal on the phone. Ds makes no demands on him . Never asks him why he treats him so bad. I think he just craves his dad's attention . It's so sad I hate it

OP posts:
CrumpledBankNote · 11/10/2024 16:32

He sounds like a total bastard, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 14/10/2024 15:01

So ds arrived at ex house today around 1pm only for ex to tell him he's very tired today. Ds is in the kitchen by himself. Ex upstairs having nap. I dunno how a man can be so cruel to his own kid. He hasn't seen him for 15 months.

OP posts:
LifeIsNeverKind · 14/10/2024 17:43

That's heartbreaking for the poor kid. And for you, having to sit back and watch it happening. As for your ex, what an absolute cunt he is.