Page 3 | To ask if you have a successful MIL/DIL relationship…how did you do?

Shefliesonherownwings · 07/10/2024 22:33

My in laws are amazing, my MIL is like a second mum to me. We even lived with my in laws for 18 months after we got married to save for a house deposit and it was great.

I think respect is key, MIL has never overstepped with me, she is laid back and has her own life but is also hands on and helpful in a non domineering way. I in turn, check in on her a lot, see her several times a week and always include her in family things if she’s around. She’s easy to talk to, fun, kind, caring and just generally all round lovely person. She’s amazing with the DC and they adore her. She treats her son, my DH as an adult with his own life and family and not her possession, meaning she doesn’t feel the need to compete with me for his attention. She and FIL have done so much for us that I can’t praise them highly enough.

5foot5 · 07/10/2024 22:35

I always got on very, very well with my MIL, who is sadly no longer with us.

I think in part I may have her MIL to thank for this. According to DH his paternal grandmother was a bit of a domineering woman and quite interfering and MIL tried hard not to be like her as a MIL!

One story I remember her telling was how one day when DH was a baby, her MIL dropped in unexpectedly bringing several of her cronies to see the grandson. As a new mum MIL had been having one of those days when the flat was a bit untidy and nappies were drying everywhere and she felt put on the spot and judged by all these older women.

As a result, she and FIL always had a rule that they would never just drop in on any of their adult DC without checking first.

Ironically this did not go down well with one of her other DILs who came from a family who were always dropping in on each other. She thought MIL and FIL stand-offish for only calling in by arrangement. Personally I found it considerate.

To me she seemed always supportive but never interfering.

saraclara · 07/10/2024 23:39

tunainatin · 07/10/2024 22:20

Have a good relationship with my mil. She doesn't interfere. We assume the best of each other and overlook small differences.

That last sentence is key I think. So many people in in-law relationships seem to instantly assume the worst of each other. That certainly evident in some threads on Mumsnet.

I think text messaging doesn't help either, as it's very easy to read the person's message in an entirely different tone from the one in which it was sent, if you want to think badly if someone.

Dramatic · 07/10/2024 23:44

I have a reasonably good relationship with my MIL, as good as it can get considering she's not very involved with any of her kids/grandkids. She never interferes but I think that's more because she can't be bothered than anything else

Pallisers · 07/10/2024 23:53

I love my MIL so much. She also annoys the hell out of me at times but that's people. She loved/loves my children - all her grandchildren so much.

She told me she modeled her role as MIL (she has 5 boys) on her own MIL who was kind, never interfered and told her she was great. And she did - helped me when she could, never threw advice in my face about anything. Just was a fabulous support. And also an interesting person to chat to/have dinner with/talk about books with.

readysteadynono · 07/10/2024 23:55

Did a lot of forgiving, spoke well of her to my kids, encouraged my DHs relationship. Made an ongoing effort over decades and loved her kids deeply.

In the early days we both had lots of strong feelings and we both did our best not to act on them but only partially successfully.

I think it’s an inherently challenging relationship unless you happen to click. I have sons and imagine it will be my biggest test as a mum. Pray you click!

NewName24 · 08/10/2024 00:06

My relationship with my MiL is okay. We are very different people, but full respect to her for never interfering or passing judgement and equally I don't comment on some of the choices she made.
Would I have liked to have someone who wanted to be more involved ? Yes, but sometimes you accept things are what they are and use that as your starting point to keep the relationship.
My relationship with my DiL2B is lovely.
She includes me in things and we have met a few times without ds. I totally respect that she a person in her own right and not just ds's other half. I've always tried to be friendly and welcoming but to give them space too. I think it is easier in that she gets on really well with my dds, so sometimes I both she and I get included on a trip my dds might be making. If they have dc, I would hope to be supportive in practical ways, whilst happily acknowledging there will be times when she wants her own Mum, and I am not her Mum.

Hollowvoice · 08/10/2024 00:17

I loved my MIL. She passed last summer and I feel more grief from her passing than from any of my grandparents.
She was warm and funny, generous and kind and loved us all while totally accepting the boundaries/rules we each had for our own DC. I felt welcome right from the start.
She holds the record for simultaneously the shortest and most supportive phone I've ever had, while in the trenches of PND with my first born.
I have no idea what sort of MIL I'll be, if I ever am, but I had a good role model.

Purpleturtle46 · 08/10/2024 06:30

laraitopbanana · 07/10/2024 19:24

Just that really. MIL seems to be the hardest job after Mother…

I am not even close to be a MIL but would love to hear your nice stories!

I love my MIL, I am closer to her than my own Mum. I have always liked her, she is easy going, non-judgemental and a good laugh. However since I had kids she has been so helpful with them that I have grown to appreciate and respect her so much more. She is so positive and even though she had a hugely hard time raising my husband and BIL with a deadbeat husband she left him and turned her life around.

Heavier · 08/10/2024 06:38

My MIL is lovely. They moved to be closer to us but would never call by unannounced. Very helpful but never interfering. Aware of their children’s faults. We have maintained an excellent relationship despite me now being the ex-DIL although this might have been different if I had left her son rather than the other way round.

Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 08/10/2024 06:45

I didn’t ever have a MIL and I actually joined Mumsnet quite a few years ago specifically to ask for advice as to how to be a good one.
I have two lovely DsIL now and I love them both and have a very happy relationship with them, we see both families regularly and always have a fabulous time.
Here’s my advice:-
Know your place. You are no longer the number 1 woman in his life and you’ll get shunted down the pecking order further when they have children. Accepting this one simple fact will be enormously beneficial.
Never, ever forget they are your grandchildren not your children! Leave the parenting to their parents.
Do not ever undermine that parenting.
Your son has another family he needs to spend time with now too.
Be there for both you son and DIL equally if they ask for advice and give it without favour.
If your not asked for your advice keep shtum.
Be generous with your appreciation of this young woman who is trying to negotiate her place in your family. Be kind and welcoming.
I hope that helps. ☺️

Eviolle · 08/10/2024 06:51

I can't give you a nice story, but I could tell you things MIL did that made it impossible for me to get on with her...

Physically abuse her husband in front of me
Shout and scream at me when she disagreed with my opinion
Tried to portray me as an awful person to DH for things that were actually completely normal
Demand that DH put her first even when we had children
Threaten me with physical violence
State (multiple times) that she wasn't coming to our wedding because she didn't like the choices we'd made
Force her presence on me after I had a mental breakdown following the birth of first baby and ended up in Hospital (even though her overbearing nastiness was part of the reason for the breakdown in the first place)
Told me her opinion on my parenting skills (or apparent lack thereof)
Didn't take care of herself once FIL died and expected DH and I to fill the gaps he left behind
Was generally rude and abrasive, and picked fault all the time
Expect DH to keep secrets from me
Slagged me off to my face, and behind my back

There was a lot more. She wasn't a pleasant woman. I was still sad when she died though.

Tourmalines · 08/10/2024 06:55

Some lovely posts on here . There are definitely a lot of great MILs and great DILs. 😁

BusyMum47 · 08/10/2024 07:00

Mine's lush - no particular secret - she's just a lovely person!

Having said that, I have made the effort to completely involve her in our lives since day 1 & treat her no different to my mum. I buy gifts, flowers, cards, etc & call/text her regularly & send her pics of the kids.

The MIL/DIL relationship works both ways. 🤷‍♀️

DreadPirateRobots · 08/10/2024 07:58

If there is a theme to this thread, and I think there is, it's:

Both parties approach each other in a spirit of tolerance and respect.
Both parties focus on what they have in common and not where they differ.
Both parties accept that each other, and their mutual loved one, are imperfect.

That also means that both sides need to be operating in good faith; you can't have a good relationship with an IL who is operating in bad faith. IL relationships are always going to be tricky, because you didn't pick each other but you're stuck with each other (often at close quarters) anyway, and the emotional stakes feel very high.

newnamethanks · 08/10/2024 08:09

Depends entirely on personalities involved. I've had 2 MILs. One was an utter nightmare who did all the MIL stuff MN is familiar with and the other was a complete sweetheart who died far too early.

Icantbuystrawberries · 08/10/2024 08:12

My MIL had an awful MIL so she actively tries not to do those things that annoyed her. I try to make sure I keep things fair and include them like i do my own family. Mutual respect for each other and that other people might have different ways of doing things.

CurlewKate · 08/10/2024 08:40

I think the problem is that women are generally expected to be in charge of family relationships, and both MILs and DILs are caught up in this. In my opinion, both should ail for cordial-anything else is a bonus. I don't dislike my MIL-she's a perfectly nice woman. But we are from different generations. We have different educations, politics and backgrounds and we have very little in common. There is no real reason we should be friends. BUT she is a good mother to my dp and a good grandmother. They all adore her and that's what's important. Her primary relationship is with them, not me. They have the shared history. So she and I are friendly and cordial. And I have always helped facilitate her relationship with my children because it's good for them.

And yes of course some MILs are vile-because some people are. Including DILs.

mambojambodothetango · 08/10/2024 09:34

I get on well with mine - though we do have flare-ups sometimes, they are always about different attitudes to society and politics, never about family, habits, or our own lives. We're very different in terms of upbringing and life experience, but we're similar personalities. I think we respect each other even if we don't always agree. I think she thinks I'm a good mum to her DGC - not sure if I'm the wife she dreamed of for her only son though. Basically we get along fine and that's enough for me.

DaphneDahlia · 08/10/2024 13:42

My MIL and I get on now but it's not always been easy. I think the early years were made more difficult by the FIL. He could be difficult and MIL tended to fall in line with him. I too was probably too immature and bolshy. We had 2 big blow ups and I think one of the blow ups was made worse by FIL. Sadly FIL has now died. Generally she has been a good MIL and a marvellous grandparent.

Matildahoney · 08/10/2024 13:47

I'm really lucky my (ex) MIL is an amazing lady, never interfered, always treated me like her own daughter, and is still in my life now and 'granny' to my DS, my current MIL is much the same, both only had boys though and I wonder if this makes a difference as they both wanted but never had a mother/daughter relationship. I could go to either of them for/about anything.

LoobyDoop2 · 08/10/2024 13:55

Mine has always dealt with me as another grown woman she wants to get to know and have a good relationship with- not as the hostage-taker of all the hopes and dreams she had for her son. I’ve reciprocated- she is a nice, interesting woman I enjoy spending time with, she’s not the matriarch I have to defeat to prove I’ve won the man. And it must have been hard for her at times, because she is all about family and grandchildren, and I’ve made no secret of having no intention of providing any. But her MiL was an absolute monster- a mean, manipulative bully who made their lives miserable- and she basically decided to be the opposite of that. I’m very lucky to have her.

Original poster

laraitopbanana · 08/10/2024 17:53

Thanks for all these answers! Very helpful and there are things that are keeping coming back such as no interference, no opinions if not asked, help if needed…nice and good convo.

Great!

OP posts:

Cookiecrumblepie · 08/10/2024 20:02

I wonder whether men have similar expectations placed on them to get on and bond with their FILs. It’s such pressure to put on two people sometimes I feel it’s so unfair it’s just expected only of women.

LynetteScavo · 08/10/2024 20:12

I have a good relationship with both my MILs. They both made it very clear they didn't want to help with childcare. They both live locally but didn't want contact other than Christmas, Easter and birthdays. It's worked well as we've never had a cross word. But my DC don't have the same close relationship they do with my DM, who was happy to help with childcare and drop by regularly and was more than happy to annoy us all for various reasons.

I think there's a bloody fine line to getting being a MIL right.