How to feel more organised and less overwhelmed

[orangedrizzle]

I feel like I am drowning in life. 3 kids under 6 and only work 2 days a week. DH has a very demanding job. I just feel so overwhelmed and so disorganised and I can't manage the day to day. It's really affecting my mental health and my enjoyment in life. I feel like I can't be a good enough mum because I am too busy trying to do other things but then I feel like I can't do the other things effectively either. AIBU to feel like this? Am I just really crap at everything? If you used to feel like this then please please tell me how you got out of it.

how many in school?

no nursery on the 3 days you don’t work?

Well, with 3 kids under 6 and a DH who is not around much because of work, unless they're in nursery at least one full day so you have a day to get on top of things I'm not surprised you feel like you're drowning.

The best advice someone gave me when I had children was, "sort one thing at a time". Three small children is HARD. So think about what one thing you would most like to fix, and focus on that - is it what you eat? The mess/clutter? Needing a social life? Whatever it is. Then, do the things you need to do to make that happen. Then you can tackle the next thing. And so on.

Obviously it works differently for different people, but here are some things that help me.

• I live my life by the notes app on my phone, I have lists for everything (Christmas, clothing, meal plans, bills, budgets)...

• Automate as much as possible, and invest if you can on things to make life easier. Gousto boxes/online grocery shopping/cook freezer meals for food. A cleaner, robot vacuum, dishwasher, ironing service for housework. Travel agents for holidays, babysitters for some 'you' time, gardener/landscaping to make garden easy to maintain. Whatever you can afford and makes life easier, I'd suggest doing it.

• I carve out time each week to look at ALL the life admin. Upcoming week (meal plans, adjust grocery lists, ensure housework will be covered, get addresses/time things out for weekends), month (any birthday gifts, school trips, one-off bills that need paying), and year (holidays, family birthdays/Christmas). Sometimes I just need a few minutes for each, but it's mentally freeing if I suddenly think of something while cooking dinner, I can just add it to my list and deal with it during 'admin time'.

• I let myself have the easy wins. I make animals out of fruit for snacks sometimes, or drive through McDonald's, or let DS stay up 15 mins after bedtime. Because it makes DS feel loved and in turn makes me feel like a brill mum! Let yourself have the fun moments (I know it's easier said than done!) because god knows there aren't enough of them to begin with.

You don’t say what exactly you are struggling with, but I bet it probably stems from having too much stuff, keeping on top of the house etc.

If that’s the case you need to do a serious declutter. Start in the kitchen. 1 drawer or cupboard at a time and get rid of absolutely everything you don’t need. 1 calpol syringe will suffice! If you’ve got 3 wooden spoons, keep the best one. Decide how many tea towels you need and keep the best ones and re organise everything so it’s easy to get to and in a ‘useful’ place. Pans near the hob, mugs near the kettle.

Do this in short sharp bursts, maybe whilst DC are eating. To take the pressure off, scrambled egg and beans on toast or jacket potato is a decent dinner and quick and easy to prepare.

Once the kitchen is done, do the bathroom whilst DC are in the bath. As much stuff as you can put away. The bath is much easier to clean if you don’t have to move endless shampoo and bubble bath bottles out of the way.

Work around the house and the main key is to stop bringing stuff in. I don’t buy much seasonal stuff, experiences and days out for presents go down well here.

I can do my housework in 30 minutes a day because everything is organised. I do a 5 minute tidy before bed every night and come down to a spotless house in the morning which makes the day feel better before I’ve started.

If DC do activities or have changing bags, wash whatever kit they use, straight back in the bag and bag goes on a hook by the door ready for next time. Take photos of important letters, party invitations etc so you are never looking for bits of paper.

@orangedrizzle " this too shall pass" and it certainly will, but till it does, do the absolute necessary to get through the day.

Bite sized pieces .
Do what is strictly necessary, leave the rest with a quick tidy up, so you don't go from room to room groaning at what you see all day.

Your kids are your priority, and they're all very young at the same time.

They must nap, but in the meantime, they need watching, playing with, all the fun stuff.

Just prioritise when you get a chance to sit down and think about what matters most to you besides caring for your DCs.

Demanding job or not, DH must have a bit of down time and he can help surely, during those times?

Your kids are so young, hopefully he realises that a bit of help ( dishes, floors, even ( gasp!) a bit of cooking sometimes wouldn't go amiss?

I think the main thing to focus on is your kids and how they are.

I know you feel inadequate, everyone knows that feeling sometimes, but compared to what?
The way you were before the DCs came along?
The way your friend's houses look, with kids in school?

You're a very busy mum and you'll get through this.
It won't last forever, although I'm sure it feels that way most times.

Feeding everyone, taking care of their health, appointments etc...clean clothes, playtime, clean dishes to eat from, and all else can wait for help or a quieter time of day.
You can do this, sometimes not easy, but you can you know.
You just concentrate on being a good mum, the rest of the stuff will wait.

Are you physically organised? Like is the house organised? I would start there, declutter, get organised, make the house work for you, make systems. Then the mentality has to change you will need to Tidy as you go, don’t “leave things til later”. “just do it now” needs to be the way you work! It takes a lot to start off but it’s worth it!

Well I was going to say I got out of it by getting my ADHD diagnosed and treated but good luck with that in the UK these days.

Also I have moved house and it's disrupted EVERYTHING and I feel like I'm drowning again. Literally no systems and every time I try to start any up I'm getting so overwhelmed.

I know the key to it is to try and make a list of all the things which are causing the issue and then prioritise them and deal with one at a time. Being kind to yourself and accepting wherever you are right now rather than beating yourself up about it.

It's just hard to actually follow that advice!

i had 3 DC in the space of 2 years (twins). As PP said: it is just hard. Focus on the essentials: everybody fed, fresh air for everyone every day, hygienic kitchen and bathrooms. That’s it. Try to notice the little good things (blue sky; belly laughs). Hold on tight for the ride and know it won’t be forever. I have finally started to conquer the clutter: youngest DC are 15. It’s just not possible to do all the things so just prioritise and let go.

@speedmop I have one in school, one in childcare 3 days per week and one in childcare 2 days per week

Thanks. Some really useful advice here.

To answer some of the questions-

I don't even know anymore what the most stressful thing is. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything that it just merges into one. I feel like whenever I try to sit down and work it all out that I am overwhelmed with brain fog and I can't think straight.

Yes clutter is a big aspect of the stress and we are trying constantly to sort that out. We have not long moved house so there is a lot of associated admin linked with that too.

DH does lots with the kids, not so much on the house. But he plays with the kids whilst I do the jobs.

Yes I find brain fog gets in the way.

One thing you can try - do you tend to have your phone on you all day? If not, get a piece of paper or small notebook and a pen and carry those around. Every time you come across something which is adding to the "Aaargh WTF why is it like that????" feeling, write it down on a list.

By the end of the day you'll have a list with lots of small things, e.g. mine would have things like "Cooker grease marks can't get clean" "Kitchen water not hot" "DS2 refusing to eat dinner (left too late)" "XMIL driving me bonkers" "Clutter on floor in way of fridge".

You can then translate these into proper issues, if you want to, and then it might be easier to see which of them are actually within your control.

Also, Chat GPT is actually fairly good if you sit down and brain dump a gigantic rant of everything that is weighing on you and ask it to please sort them out into a coherent list, it will do that for you and I've found that helpful previously. Chat GPT is also great in that it never gets pissed off with you and you can make as many adjustments as you want. Whereas humans... I find if you start by trying to get someone to help you organise the tangled thoughts, they mean well, but when you try to explain some of the tendrils they get frustrated or lose track. Or if you try to explain why solutions won't work, they get annoyed and think you are making excuses.

If you have executive functioning challenges, which can be related to ADHD but also some other things such as perimenopause, general tiredness, thyroid disorders, depression, and high stress levels - then not only will it be difficult to do all of the stuff that needs to get done, it will also feel impossible to even tease out what needs to be done or how or where to start, because it impedes planning, prioritising etc.

A different strategy is just - don't. Don't worry about working out where to start. Just start literally ANYWHERE.

So you mentioned clutter and moving-house admin. This is also my current top priority and it basically has to take precedence over and above everything else. I also have settling the kids into a new childcare place as the second priority, and I've worked out I can only focus on three at a time or I don't make progress on anything. But honestly, clutter and moving house admin is so enormous that it's taking up two slots. I was going to have my own energy levels as a third priority, but I think that I just have to have the house and the childcare thing as the only ones realistically.

But the game changing part about this system at least for me, is that it means I get to drop the guilt on everything else.

Kids have too much screen time? Oh well! Everyone is eating pasta and nuggets rotated forever? Fed is best! My clothes don't match? Literally, who cares?

Dropping the guilt helps because a lot of the time the guilt is a completely useless weight anyway. It doesn't HELP if I am UNABLE to work on all of the things at once. If ditching unnecessary, not-useful guilt allows me some brain space, energy and time in the day to work on the things that matter, then it will help make things easier overall, which will free up some space to work on some of the other things. In time. When I am ready to do that.