Time is running out, don’t want to have regrets

[MicroFan]

This is about the relationship I have with my mum. She was a good mum and is a stellar grandmother despite making some bad mistakes. I hold no animosity towards her and know she was just doing her best in tough circumstances. She’s had a very difficult life before meeting my dad and he’s also added to her burden but I don’t think she’ll ever leave him.

Despite this, I don’t feel very close to her. I don’t think I really know her as a person beyond my own observations. She has touched on things that have happened in her past but doesn’t really talk about it in any depth. She doesn’t really discuss anything very deeply with me.

I only live round the corner from her but I never visit as I find the state of the house very triggering and there’s nowhere to sit. She’s a level 3/4 hoarder including pets and has always been this way. I feel frustrated with her for some of her choices and the fact that she takes on too much but it’s been years since I’ve vocalised this as I know there’s no point. She can be a martyr and won’t accept help, I believe this is linked to low self worth which upsets me a lot. If I pop in, she’s often busy elsewhere in the house and doesn’t stop to come and say hello. When I invite her over for dinner, she won’t eat what I’ve made and makes excuses to leave as soon as possible.

My dad can be an abrasive person and not very kind to mum so I harbour some resentment towards him but even so, I have more of a relationship with him as we chat on the phone regularly. My mum would never just call for a chat. She’s closer to my sister who fell out with me many years ago and we haven’t spoken since.

I’ve noticed she’s starting to get frailer and I worry that we only have a limited number of years left together. I feel bad as I’ve sort of given up on trying to get closer to her but I’m acutely aware that I will regret us not being closer when she’s gone.

Apologies that this isn’t really an AIBU but how would you work on being closer in these circumstances or should I just work on making peace with the fact that we’re not close?

You've tried and it's not your fault you can't have a proper relationship with her. Don't harbour regret or guilt.

With my own parents (who are increasingly frail), I have come to terms with our relationship being as it is. What's that saying about not going into a hardware shop looking for bread?

Try, by all means. Tell her you love her and you want to be closer. She sounds quite set in her ways and that coming to yours for dinner is way out of her comfort zone. Would you be able to approach her on her terms? At least to start with?

I think you would be better served having some kind of counselling starting now, before she dies, to come to terms with the fact that you’ve got nothing to regret, you’ve done nothing wrong and that you can’t take responsibility for her issues. You might find yourself grieving for the relationship you wish you’d had. What it could have been, rather than for the actual person. And that’s a can of worms, believe me!

Could you meet somewhere neutral like an hotel for afternoon tea

I’m acutely aware that I will regret us not being closer when she’s gone

Remind yourself that adult relationships require effort from both parties. You can't be "closer" to someone who doesn't want (or isn't capable of) being closer to you.

Regret doesn't have to equal guilt.

My late mother was a very difficult woman. We loved each other but weren't close once I reached adulthood. I might regret that we didn't have a closer mother/daughter relationship, but don't feel any guilt as her behaviour wasn't under my control.

In your shoes I would work on accepting that you're unlikely to change your relationship with your mother at this point.

Invite her somewhere neutral, or to you but not for food. Tbh I'd just visit her, the hoarding is her issue not yours. Is it really worth not having a relationship over?

What does she like/ like to do?

Be closer via text?

Meet outside for brief chats and cup of tea. Superficial chat. Never reference the difficulties on either side. See how it goes.

Counselling for you. It's not your fault.

I find some similarities here and it’s something on my mind a lot. I’m not that close to my mum. We used to be up until she had some seizures a number of years ago and then covid hit and with the geographical distance and her not wanting to break any of the rules we just really drifted. We’re in a position now where she doesn’t make any effort to contact me. I phone, text, arrange to meet but it’s not as frequent as it was. I did try to tell her a few years ago that I needed her to call me every now and then, make things more equal but no change. I think about it a lot but now I just find it awkward to contact her, what to say. Like with your mum there’s never anything deep. She never asks me how I am or what we’re up to. It’s not what I want. I can’t change her. Could I try harder? Maybe but I don’t know if I have the inclination despite her aging and thinking she won’t have much longer left.

@CaptainCrocs I've noticed that it's pretty common for people to become rather self-absorbed with advancing age. A lot of preoccupation with their own health and less interest in what's going on in the lives of people around them.

My mother managed to turn every conversation around to be about her. It can be pretty discouraging.

Hi OP. I have a little understanding of your situation as far as not being close to my mother is concerned. What I’ve come to think is that a parent can’t give you what it is not within them to give. You would like a close relationship with your mother but it seems likely to me that she does not feel the wish for that close relationship that yiu yearn for. That is a great loss for you. All you can do is be available for her and try in some way to find elsewhere-therapy? - the resolution of your feelings about your emotionally absent mother.

Notwithstanding all the previous advice around accepting the limits of your relationship. On a practical level it sounds like spending time at her house isn’t working because she is too distracted there and the chaos is distracting for you too. Inviting her round to your house for dinner isn’t working. Could you try something else like a short daily walk after dinner? That would be really beneficial to health as well as opening up a space for chatting.