Anxiety over having 2 kids… how was it for you?

Paperchase100 · 2024-10-07T12:56:14+00:00

I have always wanted 2 kids. I’m very maternal and adore my DS (coming up to 2 years old) My pregnancy with my son was hard. Mentally rough, I suffered with PND for an while and had a lot of anxiety before he was here. He was in NICU for a couple of weeks after birth. Other than that he was a very easy baby, slept through from early on. I think the last time I did a night feed, was when he was 1 month old. We’re in the toddler trench’s at the moment but I knew that was coming… I’ve been told how fun the terrible 2’s can be! I would love to have a second at some point, but I am just worried about it all really. The pregnancy, the anxiety, the will he or she need to stay in NICU trauma. What if baby doesn’t sleep through like my son did, will I be up every hour with a colic baby. I don’t know if how I am feeling is normal, or if it’s a sign I’m not ready yet. I can’t imagine my son being an only child, but I sure think it would be easier. How did your experience go? Everyone jokes with me and says don’t do it which doesn’t fill me with much confidence!

DustyLee123 · 07/10/2024 15:48

All I can say is that, for us, it was easier going from 1 to 2, than 0 to 1.

Greenlittecat · 07/10/2024 15:51

I would say do it! I have 4 kids and found the jump from 0-1 much much harder than 1-2 kids.

Terrible twos have been absolutely fine for me with mine! 🩷

Flippingflamingo · 07/10/2024 15:53

Going from 1-2 was hard! Not necessary when they are young, but now having 2 years between two school age children is difficult. They fight and argue, they have different needs needing to be met at the same time. School reading/homework takes twice as long (often 3 times as long as the other child distracts you).

When you go out it’s not just worrying about 2 individuals and the chances of them kicking off, there is the added dynamic of child overlap, where both kids provoke the other and world war 3 starts!

Of my friends and family who only had 1 child their lives are much simpler than mine, and much cheaper!

MilesOfCarpetTiles · 07/10/2024 15:53

Agree going to 1-2 is easier than 0-1.
I knew I wanted a second within a couple of years but when DC1 turned 1 I really couldn't face the idea of doing it all again! I had to really convince myself. It took longer than we expected which meant we ended up sure it was what we wanted. And it's the best thing - once you're past the very early years I think having siblings really pays off.

No interest in a 3rd though :)

Rocknrollstar · 07/10/2024 16:32

I found the second one much easier. I knew what I was doing (I think) and he just fell in with the routine necessary for his older sibling.

Alina3 · 07/10/2024 16:41

I've spoken to quite a few families where the first was manageable and enjoyable, the second tipped into 'can't cope' surviving and both kids missing out as a result of the divided time/resources/attention and parents being more exhausted, working longer hours etc.

Not to mention how much some children suffer when babies come along, feeling pushed out and ignored, behaviour deterioration and acting out, and then subsequently it's a bit of a gamble whether they'll get alone and enjoy one another's company or fight like cat and dog (or be indifferent).

I would say if YOU really want a second and are willing to roll the dice for your existing child, and you have enough support and resources, go for it. But if you're unsure whether you'll manage well, things would be tight, I wouldn't.

It's always a roll of the dice. You might have a smooth birth and sleeper, or a poorly non sleeper and be left with birth injuries or PND/PNA. It's a gamble. Some families are glad they had their second, others deeply regret it. It's a taboo to say so so people mistakenly say 'oh you only regret the children you didn't have!' which just isn't true.

Listen to your gut, and figure out the logic, the pros and cons. If you're uncertain, listen to that. People will cheer you on cos it worked for them but they won't be there at 3am when you've been awake for five hours with a screaming baby that keeps waking the unhappy overtired toddler up or when the baby finally falls asleep and the toddler is up at 5am and you've had 30m sleep... do what works for your family.

This will be called pessimistic but you asked!

Gonegirl7 · 07/10/2024 16:45

Have two, second baby ended up to be a much easier child. First baby slept like shit for years.

would love a third baby but my husband wouldn’t be able to handle it

Original poster

Paperchase100 · 07/10/2024 16:55

Alina3 · 07/10/2024 16:41

I've spoken to quite a few families where the first was manageable and enjoyable, the second tipped into 'can't cope' surviving and both kids missing out as a result of the divided time/resources/attention and parents being more exhausted, working longer hours etc.

Not to mention how much some children suffer when babies come along, feeling pushed out and ignored, behaviour deterioration and acting out, and then subsequently it's a bit of a gamble whether they'll get alone and enjoy one another's company or fight like cat and dog (or be indifferent).

I would say if YOU really want a second and are willing to roll the dice for your existing child, and you have enough support and resources, go for it. But if you're unsure whether you'll manage well, things would be tight, I wouldn't.

It's always a roll of the dice. You might have a smooth birth and sleeper, or a poorly non sleeper and be left with birth injuries or PND/PNA. It's a gamble. Some families are glad they had their second, others deeply regret it. It's a taboo to say so so people mistakenly say 'oh you only regret the children you didn't have!' which just isn't true.

Listen to your gut, and figure out the logic, the pros and cons. If you're uncertain, listen to that. People will cheer you on cos it worked for them but they won't be there at 3am when you've been awake for five hours with a screaming baby that keeps waking the unhappy overtired toddler up or when the baby finally falls asleep and the toddler is up at 5am and you've had 30m sleep... do what works for your family.

This will be called pessimistic but you asked!

I don’t think you were pessimistic, I guess you were being a realist!

Honestly this is my biggest worry. Everyone’s experience of course are different. My friend has a child same age as my DS, had her second a few months back and I know it’s chaos for her and she’s struggling. Her and DH has gone from the odd date night to no date night, the baby wakes the toddler up with the screams. I know things will probably get better easier for her, but I know if it was me I’d probably get PND again which worries me

It scares me, do I want to go from a pretty easy routine life to adding another baby in the mix, like you say it’s a gamble

I think my heart longs for 2, but being in my early 30’s (just turned 30) I know I could probably revisit this situation in a few years ago and see how I feel. I have a bit of time on my side.

OP posts:

Alina3 · 07/10/2024 18:16

Paperchase100 · 07/10/2024 16:55

I don’t think you were pessimistic, I guess you were being a realist!

Honestly this is my biggest worry. Everyone’s experience of course are different. My friend has a child same age as my DS, had her second a few months back and I know it’s chaos for her and she’s struggling. Her and DH has gone from the odd date night to no date night, the baby wakes the toddler up with the screams. I know things will probably get better easier for her, but I know if it was me I’d probably get PND again which worries me

It scares me, do I want to go from a pretty easy routine life to adding another baby in the mix, like you say it’s a gamble

I think my heart longs for 2, but being in my early 30’s (just turned 30) I know I could probably revisit this situation in a few years ago and see how I feel. I have a bit of time on my side.

Show quote history

Yeah, there's no rush for you right now.

The thing is, do you want to survive or thrive?

You might thrive with two, but you know you're thriving with one! There's something beautiful about being able to give one child all of the love, attention, resources and time you have. Being able to offer them opportunities you might not be able to afford with two. Having more rested parents who are probably happier and healthier. Being able to afford them social time with peers at nursery and play groups and locally while having a nice calm home to return to.

I think the thought of two can be very appealing but the reality of two is often very different.