To totally step away from my DH’s family

[TangerineLoverNotAFighter]

I just can’t help the way I feel.

My DC are now grown up, one left to go to Uni and I find myself in a position where I just don’t want to ever hang out with any of my in-laws again.

Looking back they have been horrible people. They are horrible to me, and bitch about their other partners of their DC for no reason.

Now my DC are older, and I don’t feel the need to play happy families any more. If they want to talk to my DC, or meet them, crack on. Although my DC don’t want to hang out with them either so that’s not going to happen.

I haven’t seen some of them for a year. There was a dinner a few weeks back and I couldn’t go.

I don’t want to invite them for Christmas, I don’t want to spend special days with them where I leave not having had a nice time because of them. I’m no longer prepared to put myself last.

AIBU? Is it my age? 50’s

I just don’t want to sit there and listen to my PIL and DHs siblings and feel uncomfortable any more, or feel like a 2nd class citizen, the interloper, the not welcome, the poo on the shoe.

Why is it now that I feel this way?

You probably always felt that way but tolerated it because you wanted your kids to have extended family. I wouldn't bother either it's up to your dh to decide how much relationship he wants with them.

No, you're not U. You've done it for years so let yourself off the hook and please yourself now. If DH wants to go and spend time with them, fine. You do what you want. Let him host them if he wants.

Yes, I have always felt this way I suppose.
I’ve always felt they were working against me, plotting against me, playing games.

I’ve totally dropped the rope. They are getting very little from my DH. He forgets everything e.g. birthdays. It’s not my problem. I’ve got my own lot to deal with. My family don’t treat their DIL or SonIL how they do.

I’m surprised they’ve not said anything to me, or maybe they are glad I’m not around.

I also think I’m subconsciously stepping back as they age, as there’s no way I’m lifting a finger for any of them lot.

You don’t mention how DH feels which would seem fundamental to whether YABU or not! It’s his family so he should take the lead- does he want to see them, is it important to him? If he’s not bothered then yes, just disengage. If he is bothered, discuss with him how he wants contact to continue and make sure your feelings are taken into account - ie, he sees them on his own, no events at your house etc.

Good on you, it could also be an age thing. Now I'm in my 50s I'm much more likely to speak my mind and not put up with rubbish that I would have done when younger.

It’s interesting because if you say anything about them to him he gets very defensive (so I don’t) but I know he doesn’t make an effort with them because he thinks they are drama chasers, game players, and generally not that nice.

The people in my family are nice, and he admits this, whereas his always have some feud on the go.

Absolutely not U.

Do it, go total NC, stop right there, let DH manage their side.

Life is too short to be treated like this, by anyone, blood or in laws. It really is. One day we'll be old and regretting having so much negative shit in our lives.

Don't have them for Christmas then.
If he pushes it, tell him that you will do Christmas with your family on your own.
He sounds tedious, defending his awful family year in year out.

No doubt you are peri menopausal and your tolerance has evaporated.
I cannot imagine ever allowing precious Christmases with my children be spoiled by toxic people forcing themselves on me in my home.

It simply wouldn't happen.
You sound utterly ground down by your husband and his horrible family.

When I separated from ex H I was SO glad I’d never again have to worry about bitchy in-laws.