To think that dating apps have destroyed real relationships?

[WavesofIrritation]

People are so focused on swiping and instant gratification that they’ve forgotten how to form meaningful, real-life connections. AIBU to think dating apps are the reason for this?

I remember seeing a study a while ago that found those who met on dating apps/online dating had longer lasting relationships and a lower divorce rate compared to couples you met by other means. A conclusion drawn was that having ample options made their choice more meaningful.

How can that be accurate though? Considering online dating has only become mainstream in the last 10-15 years? A lot of people have been together since long before online dating was invented.

I think this is a stupid take. I met my wife on a dating app - we have been together for 5 years, married for 2. I also had another long term relationship prior with someone I met on an app also. Most of my friends met their significant others either on dating apps or at work. I work in an industry that is not geared towards meeting someone romantically so that was never going to be an option for me!

I met DH via online dating (no apps then) over 20 years ago, we would never have met otherwise!

Worked for us😁

Met my OH on POF ten years later we are still together

Another success story here so far

Met on a dating app and as we are like minded people we were not reluctant to give up other 'options'. It was incredible how many supposed options there are, reality is whether offline or online you only match with a select few long term.

I also think instant gratification precedes the apps. So that behaviour already existed in many ways and dating apps are just another symptom.

I don’t think you can compare dating apps 20 years ago to apps now. I’ve still got close friends I met online 20 years ago but meeting people now rarely lasts before the ghosting sets in.

I think it could be linked; at the same time I think there were always people who were always looking for the next “swipe” even before dating apps existed! I certainly met a few like this!
I also think that some dating apps allow you to ‘test’ out a potential person before meeting them; to write to each other & see if you make each other laugh and have stuff in common.
My problem is I was always really swept away by a ‘pretty face”. Then about 6 months later (once the initial spark was waning) I realised we didn’t have anything in common!
My longest relationship by far started with a dating app - and is still going!

I agree. And I think it’s made dating really difficult for young people.

I’m so glad I never had to use them - watching friends and relatives use them and the upset and distress that come with it (dick pics, ghosting, etc) is enough to put me off.

I'm inclined to agree with you, OP. The sweet shop mentality of online dating definitely doesn't help.

^This.

Internet dating is very different now to how it used to be. If you've been in a long-term relationship for years, you won't know what it's like now.

I first tried OLD about 20 years ago and it was a high quality experience in which I met loads of amazing people. Now it just feels like a depressing awful cess pit...

Do you have a link to this study please? It sounds like something set up by a dating app company rather than a proper peer reviewed academic study.

No, I think there's a higher proportion of people who are shit at relationships on the apps. There is an issue with meeting so many people that you have no prior knowledge of at all - 'Phil looking for cosy nights in with a lovely lady' who if you saw him from time to time in the local bars you would know him by reputation as that arsehole who is barred from most decent pubs and deals shite coke.

No, I read it in a newspaper an awfully long time ago. No chance of finding out where it came from. Anyway, I have no bone to pick either way, but it was an interesting way of thinking about it.

I’m not sure if it necessarily all needs to be ‘mainstream’ to compare data, but regardless, 10-15 years (certainly a bit more than 15 since Match.com appeared 30 years ago), is long enough to draw comparisons on long term relationships and also compare divorce rates among relevant age groups.

Anyway, I don’t care too much either way, I just remembered reading it and thought it was interesting.

I met my late dh on a dating website 21 years ago. Admittedly the websites and the apps were a bit different.

For all the happy anecdotes, I tend to agree with you. In theory the apps should allow people to meet more optimally matched partners, so improving the success of relationships. In practice, some people also see them as an alternative to 'working' at a relationship when it's so much easier to get online and start swiping.

Same. Also met my wife on a dating app, together for 7 years, married for 2. Prior to this I had another 2 year long relationship with someone I met on tinder. I know lots of other couples of a similar age (mid thirties) who met on dating apps.

I wouldn't say this is the case. I think it all can feel like that given the nature of it and all the frogs you come across on the way to you Prince, that's if you ever come across one at all. But it takes a thick skin and a great deal of keeping your wits about you.

I met my wonderful DP of two years on a dating app. Had never used one before as was married since pre-tinder days and met exH IRL. Much like real life, dating apps are full of people you’d cross the street to avoid mixed with a few amazing people you’d never have met otherwise. On balance, i think anyone who is going to flake on a relationship/keep their options open/be sexually crude is going to do so sooner or later regardless of the medium.

I agree. People tend to keep their options open then decide to "be exclusive".

Back in the day it was more or less assumed that you were only seeing one person at a time (unless they were a liar).

I agree with you. I think people are more reluctant to settle because they perceive too many options and are scared to settle for the wrong one, so nobody gets a chance to really connect. Also, there’s a lot of people with commitment issues in general on there, or socially awkward people who are quite boring and have no conversation about them or say stupid, rude and very off putting things.

I know the idea is that men don’t have too many options, but I don’t think that’s always the case. I think everyone is always looking for their idea of better, and that’s everyone’s downfall nowadays and why most are perpetually single.

When I was on there, I’d start chatting with men and we’d be getting on well, conversation was flowing etc and they would stop dead with the replies. I’d let it go and move on but then days or weeks later they’d come back saying they met someone else but she turned out not for them and they realised I was lovely and they should never have given up! Of course I don’t give them the satisfaction of continuing contact, but I’ve heard other stories like that, too!

I can’t say I know what you mean. I met my husband on a dating app. We’ve been together for 8 years and have a son. I would say our relationship is pretty ‘real’. We were matched based on loads of questions about our personalities and interests. Everyone talks about how similar we are and how perfect we are for each other. It used to be a lot more difficult to find someone who was a good match for you. My mum used to date by approaching random men in bars and clubs. She and my dad have nothing in common and are bored with each other now that they no longer have children living at home. I don’t see how that’s better.

To be perfectly honest I think it's better. You don't waste as much time. You can clearly state your intentions and avoid the people you don't find attractive.

I think it's easy to romanticise pre-app dating, but decades (centuries!) ago there were still people who dated or slept with lots of other people, lied to others and treated them poorly. Not every connection that's non-digital in origin is meaningful - a drunken one night stand is not more meaningful than a series of online messages where people are getting to know one another, for example. Ghosting is far older than apps too. It's a simplistic and naïve binary.