This might be a bit long but thank you if you stay with me. I just need some perspective here because I feel like a horrible person.
I've not spoken to my estranged mother for a most ten years now, she lives in my old hometown and my friends and even my parents (dad and stepmom) although wont speak to her they see her regularly out and about. I cut her off due to on various things but mainly her alcoholism growing up and her neglect of me and my siblings.
She was very abusive, physically, mentally and emotionally and I believe she was sexually towards my younger brother although I've never been able to prove it and he passed away now. She did some horrific things to us and for years I kept giving her chances because she well she was my mum.
She has been known to tell very huge lies about lots of things from being abused herself to having cancer several times. She's never taken responsibility for her actions or anything she has done. She has six children, one of who has died and four of who including myself have NC with her. I have a toddler who has and never will meet her.
Anyway, through the grapevine and apparently she has put on her FB that she has kidney cancer. I've asked around and it looks to be true this time. I'm getting a lot of flack from people (friends, other family members) that I should take this opportunity to make amends before it's too late and I'll regret it if I dont, blah blah blah.
Firstly, my dad means the world to me, he divorced my mum when I was 10, because of her drinking, he couldn't take me with him but he did try to see me and sent us money etc and my mother wouldn't allow it and made his life hell, including trying to ruin his career by making up lies, beating him up, taking out credit in his name, only agreed to divorce him if he took on the marital debts etc etc repeatedly abused my step mum the list is endless. My dad came back for me when I was 14 and gained full custody and I had a good life from then on. He would never forgive me if he thought Id forgiven her, had contact with her etc.
Secondly, how can I find it in myself to forgive the woman who constantly berated me as a child because I was fat and ugly and just like my dad. Would hit me, push me down stairs, burn me, hold pillows over my head, the list goes on but you get my gist.
I know I shouldn't care but she's a clever woman and she's very convincing with her lies. She will tell anyone who will listen that she doesn't know her children don't like her. I feel like an evil person for feeling absolutely nothing. I don't feel sad that she might die, I don't feel upset, I won't shed a single tear, this I know. I dislike her so much because of what she did and I now have lifelong mental health problems that have made me seriously unwell in the past and I KNOW it's down to her. But everyone is telling me I need to see her and try and look past everything but how can I??
AIBU to just want nothing to do with it.
Fyi she has no money, shes not worked for the best part of 30 years, she lives in assisted living funded by homeless charities. I won't be paying for her are arrangements when the time comes either.
Will I regret this? Am I evil?