How to help my 4 and a half year old who hates losing

[rwphonics]

She gets very upset about it...
I know it's normal but she really really hates it.

At school they told me they give her the choice of not playing and they tell her that if she wants to play- it's about enjoying the game.

It seems to be something she really struggles with.

At home I explain that we just want to play to have fun and that sometimes she wins and other times she doesn't..

Is this just one of those things that will get better over time?

My advice would be to give her lots of opportunities to lose and lots of opportunities to see others lose. If you're playing a game and you lose, model how to do it well. When you play again and she loses model how to win well and ask if she can remember what you said/did when you lost. When I win well, I show my happiness for winning but I don't brag. When I lose well I show happiness for the winner and I do not sulk.

Yes, exactly this. She needs to experience it lots and realise it's OK.

Do you have board games at home? They can be good for modelling winning and loosing, and learning it’s about the fun rather than being the ‘winner’.

That’s y most start games with winners and losers from a very young age, 4.5 is very late to start.

I had a three step plan with my DS which worked a treat but I can’t remember all the steps 😂

It definitely involved modelling good losing whilst letting him win, and also encouraging him to be a good winner. So whenever someone lost the winner would shake their hand and say “good game, good game” in a silly fancy voice that made it all quite lighthearted.

Also I’d sometimes tell him I didn’t want to play with him because he always wins, it isn’t fun for me knowing I’m going to lose.

That’s not very helpful @Skybluepinky - there are loads of adults about who haven’t mastered the skill of being a good loser so I hardly think it’s unreasonable for a 4 yo to struggle.

OP like others have said you just need to model this. Build up to it so let her win a few times and show her what being a good loser looks like - “I’m disappointed I didn’t win but you played really well. We can always play another time” etc etc and then if you win also saying well played and thank you for playing. It will come with time and maturity if you keep exposing her to it.

'You won't make friends if you act like this, because people won't like you.'

Snakes and ladders is a good game for this

What kind of games are they playing? Most at that age are going to be very luck based, so if you play something like snakes and ladders enough times in a row, they'll be chances for her to win and lose. I think focusing on funny moments within the game like 'oh no Mum was so close to winning, but rolled a 5 and look how many spaces she had to go back' whilst being upbeat. Something like ker plunk or jenga could be good to teach her to develop basic stragtegy skills...'we could move that piece but look how many other pieces/marbles are resting on it' etc. Teaching her to thank her opponent for the game, and say 'well played' in a neutral or lighthearted way regardless of whether she wins or loses shows good sportsmanship

Good advice above. When she wins and you lose, explain your feelings. I'm feeling angry or sad or disappointed etc. Don't say any feelings are wrong but it's the way you act that matters. Sometimes you have to behave one way although you are feeling a different way. Competitive people never stop feeling angry when they lose so there is no point in telling her this feeling is wrong. So say i feel angry / sad but that's ok because I know I lose sometimes. Congratulate her on her win. If she is a good winner praise her for being a good winner. Likewise when she loses tell her how to behave not how to feel. when (if) she is gracious praise her for being a good loser.

We had the same thing and everytime she thought she was losing she would start knocking the board or throwing things. So I just kept playing with her and packed up the board every time she behaved in a less than sportswomanly way. It sunk in eventually.

Some very good advice here. Never under any circumstances let her win on purpose. Encourage and praise good sportsmanship.

While I think that experiencing losing is helpful, actually I think cooperate games where no one wins or loses are also helpful, as they teach to enjoy the game not the win.

My 6yr old isn’t a great loser and I can see improvement when we keep at it and keep exposing her, but tbh it’s such a ballache that we don’t play games as often as we would/should to help her learn. She’s a sensitive soul in general and feels the loss deeply. I agree with all the above and just keeping trying.

I think letting kids win sometimes and modelling gracious winner's behaviour can be a good thing. I know a guy in his 40s who never learnt to lose graciously at cards as a kid because his Dad instilled in him that the idea of losing was so awful. He recently lost quite a few friends for effectively making an 'own goal' in a tournament because he couldn't face no longer being the considered the best player in his area by letting a friend temporarily 'take his title'. It also meant he withdrew from letting his young son play a game he'd been showing great skill and interest in playing.